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MindMap Gallery To Love to the Extreme is to Let Go Reading Notes

To Love to the Extreme is to Let Go Reading Notes

This book is a must-read classic for the interpretation of intimate relationships by body-mind and soul writer Zhang Defen. It will help you find the inner strength and wisdom of getting along with all the people you love - lovers, parents, children, friends, learn to accept, surrender and let go, and find the way to the future. The bridge of love and happiness. Growth is really a path of self-knowledge. This self-understanding is not a one-way street, but a multi-faceted, 360-degree understanding of yourself. After reading this book, you can reflect on your relationship with your parents, children, lover, and yourself. You can get in touch with yourself, see different aspects of yourself from multiple angles, and have different dimensions of how you feel about other people. Observation and understanding!

Edited at 2024-01-29 17:48:53

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To Love to the Extreme is to Let Go Reading Notes

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"To Love to the Extreme is to Let Go" Reading Notes

Book information

Author: Zhang Defen

Known as the leading Chinese-language best-selling author of physical, mental and spiritual books

I have studied physical and spiritual growth for many years and obtained the Chinese National Psychological Counselor License.

Representative Works: The Five Parts of Body, Mind and Soul

"Meeting the Unknown Self"

"Meet Yourself Who Makes All Your Dreams Come True"

"Live a new self"

"Reencountering the Unknown Self"

"To love to the extreme is to let go"

Original title: "Being Willing to Let the People You Love Suffer"

Publisher: Hunan Literature and Art Publishing House

Publication year: 2017-1

1. Relationship with parents

Our family of origin has a relatively important and far-reaching impact on our character formation and development, as well as marriage, so we put the relationship with our parents at the forefront.

Why let the one you love suffer?

Many people think that since they are loved ones, shouldn’t they be allowed to enjoy happiness?

Many times it goes like this: "If you don't know how to love, love will turn into harm."

In fact, in the process of creating happiness for your lover, sometimes it makes your lover suffer.

The tangle in our hearts

Most of it comes from our child mentality

We feel wronged, think what the other person "should" want, and look for someone to pay for our emotions instead of taking responsibility ourselves.

Are you ready to grow up?

If one day you are tired of this drama and are willing to grow up, there is hope for change

Adults are willing to enjoy loneliness, accept pain without escaping or asking others to take responsibility, and are willing to bear grievances without necessarily seeking justice.

There are three types of filial piety

financial support

support oneself

Wisdom support

Try to divorce your parents

Many times parents like to nag and control us because in their hearts, you are always a child, and you must tell your parents: I have grown up.

Not only must you convince your parents that you have grown up in words, but you must also "grow up" in behavior, so that your parents will feel relieved.

Try to be yourself and give up the "savior" mentality

Many times we always want to save our parents, but we must understand that you can't change anyone in this world unless he himself is willing to change

Parents also have lessons to learn, and they also need to be responsible for their own lives.

Sometimes we have to be willing to let them "suffer"

There is a kind of love

I don't care about your happiness, I only care about whether you do what I say and live your life

If you are being abused by this kind of love, please don’t allow yourself to stay in this situation, no matter who the other person is or what they have done for you.

If you are using this kind of love on others, be honest about it

The premise of love must be to hope that the other person will be happy with free will. Even if you think his choice is wrong, let him go and bless him.

Everything you want to control actually controls you

We are such unfree people because we want to control everything so much

Only when you are willing to let go of your lover can you focus back on yourself and have the time and energy to be responsible for your own happiness.

When we can truly take responsibility for ourselves, the energy in us and the joy we feel from the heart will affect and extend to our lovers, making them love us more, which forms a healthy and virtuous cycle.

In fact, all the external world and our relationships with other people are reflections of our inner

In our original family, the influence of our parents will last throughout our lives.

Our intimate relationships and relationships with our children are all subconsciously projected by our relationships with our parents.

People who did not receive enough love from their parents as children will feel lacking and insecure deep inside.

When growing up, these shadows will also be cast into this person's family life

If you remain in victim mode, you are doomed to live in a cage of hatred and pain for the rest of your life.

Please let go of the hurt, improve your awareness, and do something to win the respect of your parents. Only in this way can you be responsible for yourself.

Dealing with one's own emotions

As long as there are rifts in the relationship and disputes with the other party in our daily life, we will be very troubled and it is easy to attribute the responsibility and the root of the problem to the other party.

The things that cause us distress are not actually problems. The real problem is that we are unable to get along with our inner negative emotions and find it difficult to calm down and become aware of them.

When we learn to live in harmony with our emotions in every moment, our inner space will expand, and the inner strength and wisdom we need most will be generated.

It is easy for us to maintain rationality and distance from ordinary friends, colleagues, and unfamiliar people around us.

But for the people we love, especially those who are close to us, we are used to treating them as part of our lives, and it is difficult to let go of the entangled and entangled feelings and complexes.

At the same time, he also applies his own moral judgment and values to them, and uses his own preferences and standards to judge whether their actions are right or wrong. The common excuse is "in the name of love"--"I am doing it for your own good." "I did this for your sake."

To love to the extreme is to let go

If we really love them and are good for them, please give them the greatest love and support, and let them use their own wisdom and abilities to obtain the happiness and happiness they want and suit them.

3. Relationship with oneself

Suffering and growth

We are all familiar with Zhang Defen's words: "Dear, there is no one else outside but yourself."

What really makes us suffer is never external things, but our thoughts and emotions

Be honest and look at all your delusions in every moment, endure the pain and experience the discomfort caused by emotions in your body, so that you can slowly let go and grow.

You have already endured the suffering. If you do not grow, it would be a great loss.

Pain is the best fertilizer for growth. Thank God for constantly creating me and allowing me to shed my false shell layer by layer.

Those things that are not mine

The famous psychologist Zeng Qifeng said something

What the world looks like has nothing to do with the world, but what you are willing to make it look like.

How to gain inner strength to experience a more beautiful world

Zhang Defen said: "First of all, you must take full responsibility for everything that happens to you.

Taking full responsibility does not mean blaming the fault on oneself, but means that since this thing has happened, what method can I use to do my best?

If you can do this, you will accumulate inner strength step by step, accomplish what you want to do, and become a happier person.

Specific methods

Give yourself true love and security

When we become adults, true security does not come from the outside, but from within. What we previously thought of as pain and insecurity becomes something we can resolve on our own as we grow into adulthood.

But at the same time, we also know that the inner child is very powerful. She is the wounded child that we have always ignored or we have been avoiding.

This child is in pain, sad, lonely, and helpless. She has been squatting in that corner. I hope you can go back and see her...

When she thinks the story of being hurt is repeated, she will jump out and struggle...and at this time, dear, only you can help her

In fact, she doesn’t need anyone’s love, she just needs love to grow up

If you can, look at her quietly, hold her, and tell her over and over again in your heart: I love you.

past, future

Now we are independent and strong people. Now we have the strength to love her and protect her.

The past is past, that sensitive child was beautiful

Because sensitivity allows us to clearly touch the beauty of life, and at the same time, we also know that we have grown up and can protect ourselves.

Let go of your expectations of others and go your own way

There are only three things in this world

God's business

It's going to rain, there's going to be sunshine tomorrow, there's going to be a snowstorm... these are all God's business, can you and I change it?

Are you more capable than God? Isn’t it just asking for trouble?

other people's business

What we often encounter is that my mother loves square dancing, my father loves to play chess, and my colleagues love to gossip...

Many times, we want to change others

But what's the result? It will only end on bad terms

Just trying to change others doesn't work because we have to understand

Everyone is an adult and he must be responsible for his own actions, and all we have to do is be responsible for our own needs and expectations

own business

It's the only thing we can control

But sometimes it’s difficult for us to distinguish between what is our own business and what is other people’s business.

Example

Someone makes us angry

Is it our own business or someone else’s business?

other people's business

Actions are done by others

own business

But our own emotions have to be digested and appeased by us

About changes

Try to see, there are so many people around us trying to change us, have we really been changed?

They may change our behavior, but no one can change our hearts

Since we cannot be changed, neither can others

Everyone is already perfect, just like you are now

When you become more and more satisfied with yourself, accept yourself, love yourself, put the energy of wanting others to change in yourself, and walk your own path happily, I don’t know how happy you are.

If our happiness is based on the changes of others, it will be more painful and more frustrating.

Let go of right and wrong

There is no absolute right or wrong in things in the world. These rights and wrongs come from our inner judgments. If we let go of our stubbornness and discrimination, we will be much happier.

Talk to your body

Seeing that your body needs your love and care, I realize that you are not your body, but your body has always supported you.

No matter how you treat her, she is always here to accompany you quietly. This is worthy of our gratitude.

2. Intimacy

Subtraction

Remove the factors that may make us unhappy, and the rest will be happy

suit one's needs

We actually look for partners to meet our own needs. What I love you actually means is "I need you."

Some men or women with big hearts and wide spaces can indeed satisfy our inner needs.

How do you know if a person can meet your needs?

First see if he can meet his own needs

If he has needs but doesn't say anything in front of you, and later blames you for not being able to read minds, it's best to stay away from this kind of person.

escape yourself

Many people use intimate relationships to avoid looking at themselves

This is why intimacy is so painful

Because the irony is, we think of intimacy as a safe haven, but it's actually a mirror, and your partner is constantly holding the mirror (or magnifying glass) back to you.

It's so painful to look at yourself, it's so much easier to blame and correct others

love yourself first

If we cannot love ourselves, we will often get involved in emotional relationships with people who cannot give love to us to avoid our responsibility to ourselves.

In the process of being entangled with each other, we keep asking for love from each other, but of course the other party cannot give it back.

In this way, we can avoid the responsibility of loving ourselves and blame the fault on the other person.

addiction

what is addiction

Have you ever fallen in love with someone without knowing anything about them, or even knowing that they are not the right person for you? If so, you have an addiction.

addiction category

Maybe addicted to not being loved

Maybe addicted to saving people

maybe addicted to being abused

Maybe he's addicted to pain

This person is your best teacher, teaching you to love yourself

Since suffering must be endured, why not learn your own life lessons

If you can't learn it, the same topic will appear again, just with a different person to perform it.

life lessons

If you fall in love with someone for no reason, even if you are not a good match, but you are unable to let go, then obviously this person has exam papers for your major life lessons.

Don't leave in a hurry, you have to study hard. After passing the exam questions, maybe your situation with him will get better, or a more suitable person will appear.

When "love" makes you feel pain

To you who are in pain due to breakup

What he lost was someone who loved him wholeheartedly. It was he who should be sad and regretful.

And all you lost was someone who didn’t know how to love you and cherish you. In comparison, you should feel lucky.

Have you ever been heartbroken?

Cry loudly when your heart hurts

Take advantage of the opportunity and thank the people and things that cause you pain

When you cry again and again and the pain still refuses to go away, try to feel your own emptiness and absence - feel your own non-existence and let the pain pass through you and leave.

Emptiness and absence are actually our essence. Intense pain helps you get closer spiritually to the truth of yourself.

Tell me about the little girl inside who needs love

You are loved unconditionally. I will always be here to accompany you and wait for you. Just like the sun patiently waits for the flowers to bloom, I am waiting for you to bloom.

Your beauty is only known to me now, but one day, everyone will marvel at your appearance. It is so transparent from the inside out that your beauty has nowhere to hide.

The famous psychologist Jung said

You have to feel it to be healed

Sit face to face with your pain, don’t be afraid, just look at it and feel it move in your body

The twitching of the heart, the spasm of the abdomen, the tightening of the shoulders, just be in the present moment with them. See how long they stay

Change the other person or face yourself

True joy and freedom come from your ability to get along with your own negative emotions, and your attitude towards people, things, and things you don't like. It has nothing to do with external conditions.

Only if you are willing can you change

You can only create an environment that gives him space to explore changes

We have tried to use coercion, inducement, abduction, and encouragement to get the people we love to change. It is like trying to teach a pig to sing. It not only wastes our energy and time, but also makes the pig annoying.

The road to hell is paved with expectations

We spend our whole day mediocre and trying our best to change external people, things, and things so that they meet our expectations. No wonder we are so tired and discouraged.

Little do we know that what we need to manage and change is our expectations, which is much easier than competing with external people, things, and things.

Will lowering expectations lead to negativity and less effort?

If you really enjoy what you do, you won't care about the results and won't demand that things turn out a certain way.

If you don't like what you do and you just pursue results blindly, then I can conclude that even if you get the results you want, you will not be particularly happy.

Comparing marriage to a ballroom dance between opposite sexes

The correct or incorrect matching of couples' dance steps determines the increase or decrease of mutual charm.

What dance steps will make women less attractive?

Take the manly step

"Two brothers partnering up" makes couples lose their harmony and beauty

Example

Ms. A is a good person at home and outside the house, better than her husband, who is basically a supporting role.

Why is my husband having an affair?

Although her husband is not handsome, has a lower position than her, makes less money than she does, and does not know how to do housework, his greatest desire is to be a grown man.

He also wants to walk the steps of a man in everything, but his kicks are not as fast as his wife's, his steps are not as big as her, and his voice is even smaller than hers.

In the eyes of his wife, he is simply a woman

In his heart, his wife is simply a man

When he was looking at the "girl" and wanted to wear it, a sister actually called him big brother. In her eyes, he was simply a symbol of manhood.

This younger sister is so weak that she asks her elder brother for help with everything, which gradually makes him feel proud of being a hero and helping the beautiful.

In-depth analysis

There is actually nothing wrong with a woman walking in the male steps. The premise is that the male steps in the female steps, otherwise the dance will not be possible.

Ms. A’s misfortune is that

Her husband doesn't want to take the women's steps at all, but her men's steps are more masculine than his.

When men come out at the same time, rigidity is too strong, and without the nourishment of femininity in the home, both parties can only step on each other's feet endlessly.

This is very much like the combination of Xiangzi and Huniu. Huniu actually treats Xiangzi well, but what Xiangzi needs is a woman, and Huniu is just a good friend at best.

How can two brothers live a harmonious life together?

Take the mother step

Doing everything to make your husband rebel

Example

After getting married, Ms. B resigned from her university teaching position and became a full-time housewife very proudly.

She took very loving care of all the details of his life inside and outside the home. She was truly considerate.

Once my husband was going to speak at a conference

After walking more than ten meters, my wife caught up with me again: "Don't be too nervous when you go on stage" etc.

The husband, who was about to be late, stamped his feet helplessly and shouted: "I know everything, Mom!"

Later, she reduced the intensity of her care for her husband, but he turned around and cared about her, and even said happily that his wife was becoming more and more feminine.

In-depth analysis

Men really need women's motherly care, but that is usually when they are tired, frustrated, lonely, especially when their hearts are hurt.

A little delicacy and consideration at this time will touch his heart for the rest of his life.

However, the meticulous care in ordinary life will bring a man back to his relationship with his mother during his adolescence.

What is the mentality of adolescent boys towards their mothers? Two words - rebellion

Walk sticky steps

"Making rules" forces out a person who doesn't want to go home

Example

When they were newly married, Ms. C asked her husband to kiss her three times every day before going to work. At first, her husband was so beautiful that she still looked so beautiful after many years of marriage.

Everything Ms. C asked her husband to do was actually what her husband wanted most at the beginning, but she turned it all into double-sided tape.

The husband said that the intimate behaviors he was asked to do now became a task that had to be completed, and it was like being executed when he was upset.

Finally one day, my husband broke away and became a man who refused to go home after get off work.

In-depth analysis

Many husbands enjoy being cuddled by their lovable wives

But as I kept leaning on it, I found that it was sticky, and the stickier it became, the harder it was to shake it off. The stickier it became, the more tiring it became.

Attachment is a unique sign of love, but dependence makes love childish and even non-negotiable.

In the state of dependence and adhesion, love becomes no space, no breathing, and no interest.

walk around

Being too delicate makes my husband break his body.

Example

Ms. D is a very delicate person. She has no major problems herself. The only problem is that she does not allow her husband to have a small problem.

There was 300 yuan missing from her husband's bag, so she wondered whether he had given it to some woman, and she also wondered whether it had been given to her brother-in-law and sister-in-law.

Not only was she suspicious, she also asked and checked everywhere. Her husband said she made herself unable to behave outside the home

Starting with this 300 yuan, Ms. D checked the phone bill every day and asked her husband to explain the secrets behind each phone number.

The husband later thought about it and said, "I'll just do it as I please!"

In-depth analysis

What gives my husband the most headache is this step.

Walk randomly

What you think and what you do are intertwined

Example

The husband and his lover have broken up, and he vowed to God to live a good life with his wife

Ms. E is still worried

That strong desire to investigate made her compulsively ask every opportunity: "Did that little goblin really not come to find you?"

She was used to being willful, and it was better to lose control than to lose control. Her husband finally broke out and rushed out of the door.

In-depth analysis

What is random pace?

What you think and what you do are intertwined, and you can do whatever you want.

Ms. E does not lack wisdom, but her wisdom is dragged down by her emotions

That's really caused by emotions. It's all emotions.

She herself said: "Whenever I don't follow my emotions, I can live a good life."

There are many different dance steps to reduce the charm of a wife, and the effect is inseparable from its original purpose.

If you leave, you will hurt yourself, and you will also annoy the other party.

Marriage is a pas de deux

There are only two fundamental ways to keep charm fresh.

Wonderful yourself

If you ignore your own splendor, you will easily be eliminated in the updates of the Dance of the Times, and will also make the other party fall into the loneliness of growth.

tacit understanding of each other

Ignoring the cuteness of the other person, you will be intoxicated in the solo dance of self-admiration, and the other person will also withdraw from the stage of husband and wife due to being picked on.

As long as you cherish your wife's dance steps and coordinate with your husband's dance steps tacitly, your charming charm will be irreplaceable for him, but it will come naturally to you.

May all of us dance harmoniously with our significant other