If the self-concept is specified, it is the words used to describe the self.

These words summarily describe ourselves and are the most fundamental part of ourselves.

If you slowly lose each word, you will also lose yourself.

Self-concept is our most fundamental wealth. Without these, I will lose myself.

Specifically, some words, such as introverted, competitive

These words not only have literal meanings, but also bring specific personal views.

Example: introversion

Example: competitive

Tend to think others are good and expect to be accepted by others

People who don't like themselves tend to think that others won't like them either

Tend to think that others have certain criticism or prejudice against them, regardless of whether these imaginations are consistent with reality

Hostility and belittling others are the only ways for people with low self-esteem to improve themselves

Forward cycle

negative cycle

Positive circulation has an important impact on self-growth

If you have too high self-esteem, you will think that others have a good opinion of you, and you will mistakenly think that you have everything.

Personality itself is dynamic and changes little by little.

By constantly practicing skills and forming your own communication style, which is different from the original one, you can change your personality

Without comparison, there is no self.

For example, for a wolf child, when there is no one to compare with, what is compared is the wolf, resulting in the self that I am a wolf.

This is how I think others see me

For example, when I recently watched Lord of Mysteries, the little cabbage refers to the son, which foreigners couldn’t understand.

Reflective evaluation, not innate

significant other

As you get older, around the age of 30, you will become more stereotyped (except for receiving psychological counseling)

By comparing yourself to others and how you view this comparison

Compare with whom - better/inferior than

Reference object

A person's comparison of himself will have an impact on himself to some extent, but it is far less than that of others. Social animals

How much attention do we pay to our self-idiosyncrasies, which ones are important and which ones are not?

The core is still yourself, others are the influence, but the decision is still yours, change by self-examination, communication with others, learning, etc.

self-helper

Self-saboteur

Especially those who are positive and who have worked hard on their own

For example, I often feel that I have actually lost weight after exercising, but then I gain a lot more weight when I weigh myself.

Self-deprecation due to self-doubt caused by negative comments

Long-term negative reviews can bring about negative changes in psychology and communication

Past failures in public situations (in large crowds) will affect our current and future performance

Past success makes oneself exaggerate about the present and future (past success does not mean success in the present and future)

Negative distorted feedback mainly comes from excessive criticism from parents in childhood

Exaggerated and distorted feedback, also primarily from childhood parents (indulging)

Many people are affected by perfectionism when they are born.

This is very consistent in China

Successful people downplay their success and advantages

And for those who talk about their own merits

This causes us to feel ashamed when receiving compliments from others and then talk about our shortcomings

change method

high self-esteem

low self-esteem

This shows that we often fail to understand ourselves correctly

Even if what happened is true, we are still influenced by outdated information

Example study

Accept new information and change self-concept

Maintain original perceptions and refute new information

Connecting with the definition of communication in Chapter 1, communication is two-way, so the resistance to change in self-concept should also be two-way (but not necessarily positive or negative). Therefore, you can see that your teacher is also insisting on being a good student. Occasionally, when you fail, you insist on the recognition that you are a good student. This is discounting or turning a deaf ear to the student's mistakes. You are also rejecting the recognition that your scumbag friend suddenly became a good student and refuting it (personally) View)

Have a true understanding of yourself

have realistic expectations

Have the will to change

Have the skills to change

For example, I am a two-dimensional person, so I may use it when describing myself, I am an otaku.

For example, I am a fan of Wang Yibo, so when I describe myself, I may use, I am Yamaha

The most common example is that girls who have been treated as boys since childhood are considered tomboys, and their behavior and thinking towards others tend to be male. It is not until their own sexual characteristics emerge that they begin to try to change their self-concept.

male self-esteem

female self-esteem

Women care more about self-esteem than men

In many settings, the environment pays little attention to gender

It means, don’t have machismo or feminist ideas

have some expectation

Demonstrate behavior consistent with expectations

Expect it to happen

Reinforce initial expectations

An example I encountered recently was that my colleague was introduced to the person in charge of the annual meeting by the manager, and told the person in charge of the annual meeting that this young man was very energetic and had great acting talent. Very smoothly, he became a member of the group of more than 300 people. Candidates for Shanghai

At this point, I would like to add that my current thinking is denying that this is the role of others in strengthening the prophecy, but a potential transaction. However, this idea itself is a manifestation of my own self-concept's resistance to change and is a refutation.

The expectations of others are important

If others don’t show trust in us, or behave in a way that strengthens the prophecy

It's similar to a relationship between a boyfriend and a girlfriend, saying you are the most beautiful girl in the world, but you are unwilling to buy me some beautiful jewelry and cosmetics to dress me up.

For example, your sexual fetishes

For example, you are very proud and have high confidence in your IQ and insight.

Such as smart children

Like a virtuous wife

Such as unknown employees

Those behaviors and thoughts that only you have in private, how will you react when others see them? This is separation.

Are you an employee, friend, rival, parent, child, etc., plus adjectives

For example, you were a warm friend one second, but because the other person touched your bottom line, you became the accuser.

This is one of the requirements for a master communicator in Chapter 1

That is, you have many skills and know how to use them appropriately under what circumstances.

We are both screenwriters and actors

The other party is both an audience and an actor

This is a real-time performance, and the plot can be modified at any time

Communication is not what I do to you, but what I do with you

Communication is two-way

Communication is noisy

Communication cannot be a separate paragraph

We often think deeply when our role doesn’t fit the current situation

For example, before interviews and job reports,

These inadvertent behaviors are scripts that appear under the influence of your experience, culture, and social rules.

For example, your clothes, tone of voice, mantra, etc.

For example, seniors would dress up when they come to pick up freshmen.

For example, if seniors have dinner with freshmen after a period of time, they will also dress up.

For example, in order to obtain living expenses from their parents, they try to admit their parents’ unwarranted accusations against them.

For example, when we see our parents are very worried about their gray hair, we will take the initiative to do housework.

For example, if a friend has a cold, I will comfort him and he will think that I am a considerate person instead of mocking him for being weak.

For example, Fan Jin passed the examination

For example, girls often ask their boyfriends, what do you think is different about me today?

i.e. communication

For example, some teachers are fierce, and you can understand it from her language.

Behavior

For example, some teachers are gentle. She walks into the classroom slowly with a smile on her face.

Different professions have very different non-verbal behaviors

For example, if I wear work clothes, it tells others that I am working, but if I wear casual clothes, it means that I am not working.

There are big differences in appearance between different professions and different classes

For example, if China is on my clothes, it represents my inner patriotic tendency or attitude.

Such as cars, work equipment, houses, music, etc.

Cars, houses, and work equipment have a very important impact on our image (career, class)

Music, movies and television have a very important impact on our interests and hobbies

For example, since I am a homebody, I will often forward two-dimensional content, and the identity I construct will amplify this trait.

For example, when online dating turns to offline meeting, it will be exposed to death

Like a pig killing plate

I disclose information proactively, not subconsciously or passively; I know I am disclosing information

For example, if you are tricked into talking about your family members, this is passive and does not constitute self-disclosure.

For example, if I take the initiative to talk to you about my first love, this is self-disclosure.

For example, bragging does not count

For example, if I disclose to you my opinions about your personal living habits, it is considered self-disclosure.

For example, when you are communicating with your parents and they see that you want living expenses, you are revealing your thoughts on living expenses, which does not count as self-disclosure.

For example, during a meeting, you want the leader to reveal your latest event planning

Breadth

depth

In a casual relationship, the breadth of information may be broad but not deep.

A more intimate relationship, with depth in one or several contents

The most intimate relationship has not only depth but also breadth

Relatively simple, no need to elaborate too much

The message conveyed is more meaningful to the recipient of the message than others

How private the information is

generally

I know, you know, open area

I know, you don’t know, the hidden area

I don't know, you know, blindsight zone

I don't know, you don't know, unknown zone

Refers to expressing regret for past pain, failure, or bad situations

For example, when you are dealing with a relationship with a friend, you make fun of your friend's shortcomings, and your friend misunderstands you. You vent and express regret.

Your honesty will give the other person a sense of security, resonate with the other person, and even a self-disclosure can trigger the other person's self-disclosure.

For example, you and your colleagues reveal that your married life is not harmonious now, which resonates with each other and expresses that your life is also unsatisfactory.

By talking to the other party about your true thoughts, opinions, attitudes and feelings, you can help yourself clarify your views on these through self-narration, feedback from the other party, etc.

For example, I talked with my friends about my future job hunting plans, which helped me better plan my career direction.

When you say something like I feel like I'm right

For example, when I am working on a project and encounter difficulties and struggle with whether to do it or not, you express to your companions that I have always been a person who does things based on feeling. My first instinct is to do it, so I feel that I have to do it. , and your peers agree with your ideas. This is when you are seeking self-validation.

Beginning a relationship requires a certain amount of self-disclosure

To maintain a successful relationship, a certain amount of self-disclosure is important

Self-disclosure of information about oneself to increase control over others or the situation

For example, reveal to a classmate that he has bought a new game console and hopes to exchange the opportunity to play the game console with him after receiving the homework assignment.

Our fear of being disliked by others is powerful and sometimes exaggerated and illogical

For example, you have been with your partner for 7 years, and you propose to him or her, but he or she refuses.

Self-disclosure does not lead to outright rejection and may create negative impressions

For example, you revealed to your roommate that you wanted him to pick up the express delivery for you. Although he did it for you, you expressed your disgust and thought you were lazy.

Inappropriate self-disclosure will not only affect the other party's impression of you, but also reduce the satisfaction of both parties.

For example, you often borrow shampoo from your roommate. Over time, your roommate says, I've had enough of you and won't buy shampoo myself, but you think it's too stingy for the other person not to borrow any shampoo.

The main thing is that you have revealed your privacy, and this has become your weakness, and others will not believe you.

For example, if a child wants a toy, but you tell the child that your job is not good, you have no money, and you cannot afford it, this will lower your image and prestige in the child's mind.

Self-disclosure of information that may harm others

For example, if a wife complains to her husband that you don’t make as much money as anyone else and you were blind, this will hurt your husband’s heart.

For example, if you are an old friend for many years and you reveal to the other person that you are not willing to get married, the other person may tell you that he is not very happy in marriage either.

For example, if you have an elder whom you have always respected but rarely communicated with in private, and you go to visit him when he is ill, you can establish a new relationship by telling him your admiration for him.

This is a relatively common situation

For example, if you reveal too much about your private life to your colleagues after you join the company, your colleagues will spread the word, which will indirectly affect you.

This type of situation mainly occurs in very close relationships, or during consultation or treatment.

For example, as you often see in the news, you hide from your partner that you are still disconnected from your ex. Once it is discovered, it will cause serious consequences.

Revealing negative information requires careful consideration.

Self-disclosure in inappropriate situations

For the risks you think, you can communicate with friends and elders to confirm

It is wrong to fall into that kind of expectation of destruction.

Does self-disclosure cross the other person’s bottom line?

Don’t step on those bottom lines that ordinary people have.

For example, if your colleague makes a mistake at work and you reveal it to him, you think he is stupid.

Generally speaking, self-disclosure can trigger self-disclosure in the other person

Can enhance the relationship between the two parties

Your roommate wore a suit to the interview and asked you how you looked today. You replied that he looked handsome.

I didn’t do my homework yesterday, so I told the teacher that I was sick yesterday.

You went traveling and the ticket office said there was a discount for student ID cards. You borrowed a student ID card, but it didn’t look like you. You said it was taken the year before last and that you had gained weight recently.

A friend borrows money and you say that you are short of money recently.

You are a local. When you see a beautiful woman, you go up to chat with her. You say, "Hello, I am not a local. How can I get here?"

In the office, when you encounter the leader's inspection, you respond to the leader, and the leader has worked hard

You and your husband have an argument and are about to quarrel. You say that you have figured it out and will handle it according to your own ideas.

You receive an insurance sales call. After answering the call, tell the other party that I have purchased xx insurance.

You are chatting with a friend, but you are not interested in the topic the other person talks about. If you consider leaving, tell the other person that I am in a hurry and will leave first.

Lying for your own benefit can easily be viewed as betrayal and violation by the other party

Lying for the benefit of the other party will be easily accepted

For example, a lie to give yourself face can easily be dismissed by the other party and punished

We can make up for some innocuous lies in some ways

And those topics that are very important can easily cause damage to the relationship when the relationship is closer.

For example, between male and female friends, regarding the opposite sex chatting on mobile phones

Lies told again and again will inevitably affect the relationship

Like the story of the boy who cried wolf

At the same time, self-concept affects self-esteem and communication.

If we communicate properly with others and receive positive information, our self-esteem will also be in a positive cycle, thus making our self tend to be positive.

If most of the information we get when communicating with others is negative information, then our self-esteem will have a negative cycle, which will make our self tend to be negative.

The first is to reflect evaluation, what others think of us

The second is social comparison. How do I compare with others?

If we or others have certain expectations for something, then our words and deeds will be based on this expectation, and the probability of this happening will be greater than those without expectations.

Divided into two categories

Self is generally distorted and exaggerated, exaggerating one's own good and bad qualities, resulting in arrogance and depression

The self is also resistant to change. People will actively look for corresponding information, carry out a positive and negative cycle of self-esteem, and refute self-change.

Identity management is a part of communication and has two-way characteristics. We are not only weaving our identity management and communicating, but we are also observing others and influencing others through communication.

Our identity management may be something we think about carefully, or it may be something we do unconsciously.

The aware self is formed by one's own summary and reflection. It has many personal characteristics that it does not want outsiders to know. This is the only one.

The self we show to others, to meet the expectations of others and society, and to gain recognition, is more like a mask. We show different masks when facing different people and things.

Due to the influence of social, cultural, experience and other factors, there is a big gap between the perceived self and the revealed self. Often we will not easily reveal our perceived self.

The two are separated in identity management and will behave independently, especially the aware self, which rarely manifests itself.

Although there is a separation between the two, we may have two selves at the same time in our communication.

In order to start or maintain a relationship, to satisfy other people's expectations, to gain other people's compliance, to explore a new self

Identity management is demonstrated through our words and actions, clothing (including the words and tattoos on it), and tool configuration

And these affect the other party's understanding of us, the feedback information to us, and subsequent communication, thus affecting our self and interpersonal relationships.

Our images on social media can be modified, embellished, out of sync with reality, or even fictional

Because of the virtual image, our identity management will become easier, it will be easier to modify our shortcomings, amplify one of our characteristics, better manage the self we display, and make our online self consistent with our real self. , produces a certain deviation, it can be said that it is the aware self, the displayed self, and then the third self, the virtual self.

There is no complete honesty in identity management. We cannot show all of ourselves, especially the aware self, and there is no complete falsehood, because these selves all show some part of me.