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Maybe you should talk to someone notes
How People Change - In Getting Along with Others, this book explores through the perspective of a psychotherapist how people seek help and find the possibility of growth and healing when facing troubles and pain in life.
Edited at 2024-01-28 17:00:10
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Maybe you should talk to someone
Q&A
How do we change?
in dealing with others
sequence
You can't escape the pain, you can only admit it
Acknowledgment itself is the most subtle and crucial change
Indulging in the illusion of "no pain" and denying pain will only cause greater trouble.
It is always difficult to be honest, especially when you really want to do something and admit your own powerlessness.
When pain can be spoken, people can gain the most basic courage to see, feel and trust
1
Another important step in psychotherapy is to help people take responsibility for their current predicaments, because only when people realize that they have the ability and must rely on their own abilities to build their lives, can they let go and change. However, people often put their Your own problems are attributed to external factors such as environment or conditions. Since the problem is caused by others or objective factors and is the fault of the outside world, then why is it necessary to change yourself? After all, even if you change your determination to change, the outside world will still be the same. same as usual
If you cannot realize that "perfection is the enemy of happiness", then you have deprived yourself of the right to be happy
The reason why therapy can trigger all kinds of strange reactions is that it's like an adult movie in a way - both involve some level of nudity and both can be thrilling.
In the initial stages of experiencing pain, people tend to lash out at others or themselves, allowing their anger to turn outward or inward.
The only way out is forward, through it
Do one thing and let it drive you to do another, replacing a vicious cycle with a virtuous cycle.
Most big changes happen by taking hundreds of tiny, even imperceptible, steps.
The only thing I cared about at that time seemed to be watching TV, because only those dramas updated on time every week could immerse me in the fictional world and restore my perception for a moment; or to be more precise, only immersed in the fictional world, Only then can I block out those things that make me unhappy but unable to change.
In fact, what we can control in life is not as much as we think, but facing illness is the most powerless thing. Whether it is facing life or facing a treatment, what people are never willing to imagine is that even if Even if you do everything right, you may still get a lucky draw.
If the worst does happen, the only thing you can do is face it in your own way instead of listening to other people's opinions
The formation of attachment patterns depends on the interaction between our childhood and our caregivers. Attachment patterns are crucial because they will also affect the way people get along with others as adults and how they choose a partner (stable or unstable). ), affects how they behave in a relationship (whether they are craving, distant, or unstable), and how the relationship ends (whether they are sad, amiable, or completely broken)
Poor attachment relationships can be corrected in adulthood
Most people are smart enough to find ways to block out problems they don't want to address directly, or to divert attention and activate defense mechanisms to keep threats away from them.
Defense mechanisms protect people from harm
Psychotherapists help clients peek into the problems hidden behind their defense mechanisms, help them face their own hearts, and encourage them to make changes until they no longer rely on these defense mechanisms.
People often make up inaccurate stories to make themselves feel better in the moment, but this only makes them feel worse in the long run.
A "foolish" compassion
Even if you know that people need to re-examine the status quo, and that being kind in this moment will hurt more than being honest, you still won't bring things to light just because you don't want to hurt people's feelings.
People often mistake numbness for emptying out, but numbness is not a lack of feelings, but a reaction when people are swallowed up by too many feelings.
There is a difference between pain and suffering
You feel pain. Everyone feels pain sometimes, but you don’t have to let yourself suffer so much. It is not your choice to feel pain, but you choose to make yourself miserable.
All your stubbornness that you can't let go of, and all your ruminations and speculations about your boyfriend's current life will increase your pain and make you even more miserable.
The author of the book and her boyfriend just broke up
You must have gained something from the pain by holding on to it so tightly. Pain has a certain meaning to me.
What we resist most is often what we need to see most
Psychotherapists talk about how the past affects the present, how our past affects our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and we all realize at some point in our lives that we have to give up making up fantasies about the past.
If we cannot accept that history cannot repeat itself, and want our parents, brothers, or partners to reorganize the events of many years, then we will be stuck in the past.
Changing relationships with the past is an important part of psychotherapy, but we rarely talk about how relationships with the future can also affect the present.
Our view of the future can be as much a stumbling block to change as our understanding of the past
If you waste your life lamenting the fact that you didn't go to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy all the very special and wonderful aspects of the Netherlands.
Most of us take the people we love and the things we find meaningful as a given. It is not until we are sentenced to death that we realize that the prerequisite for everything is: we are still alive.
Confronting death forces them to live more deeply - not to make a long wish list for the future, but to live in the present.
Most mental health practitioners believe that personality disorders are incurable because, unlike mood disorders such as depression or anxiety, personality disorders are long-standing, consistent patterns of behavior that are part of a person's personality. Change In other words, personality disorders are self-concordant, which means that the behavior is synchronized with the perpetrator's self-concept, so patients with this type of disorder will think that others are causing trouble in their lives. Mood disorders are self-dissonance. , so such patients feel miserable about their situation. They do not fall into depression or anxiety voluntarily, they know they have a problem
For most people, our biggest problem is that we don’t know what’s wrong with us. We always fall into the same pit. Why do we keep doing things that will definitely make us unhappy?
2
Honesty is a more effective medicine than sympathy. It has the power to soothe people's hearts, but it is often hidden deep in it - Gretel Ehrlich
If the interaction between therapist and client does not recur in the client's relationships with the outside world, it is usually because the client does not have any deep relationships with other people in his or her life.
It is always easier for people to maintain rapport when their relationship is shallow
American journalist Alex Tizan believes that everyone has an epic story in his heart, and that he exists "in the tangle of burdens and desires."
Psychotherapy is challenging because it forces people to look at themselves from perspectives they usually avoid.
We all fear being left out, ignored, shunned, and ultimately losing the ability to love and living alone.
Carl Jung coined the term "collective unconscious", which refers to the part of the brain that preserves "ancestral memories" or experiences shared by all mankind. Freud analyzed dreams from an objective level, that is, the content of the dream and the reality of the dreamer Life-related (including character roles, specific situations), while Jungian psychology analyzes dreams from a subjective level to explain how dreams are related to common themes in our collective unconscious.
We often dream about our fears, because we do have a lot of things to fear. Dreams may be a precursor to self-confession, and some deeply buried things are brought closer to the surface.
The basic principles of quality parenting are moderation, empathy, and compliance with the child’s nature.
These simple principles won't change because of cutting-edge scientific discoveries
Happiness equals reality minus expectations
Many of the destructive behaviors we exhibit are rooted in an emotional void that is always begging for something to fill it.
In a family system, once one person starts to make changes, even if the change is healthy and positive, other members of the family system are likely to do their best to maintain the status quo and bring the system back to a stable state.
There is a difference between criticism and complaint. The former contains an element of judgment, while the latter contains a request.
Emotions guide behavior, and once we understand our emotions, we can make decisions
Men are usually at a disadvantage on this issue, because the exploration of their inner world is usually not the main topic in their growth - the world rarely accepts men sharing their emotions and feelings with others.
Just like women are pressured by society to always pay attention to their appearance, men are pressured to maintain a good emotional appearance
Peace is not about being in a place without noise, worry and toil, but about maintaining inner peace even in the midst of complexity.
Before successful psychotherapy, clients always worry about the same thing over and over again. After successful psychotherapy, all kinds of worrying things will appear one after another.
Most people go into therapy feeling trapped—prisoned by their thoughts, behaviors, work, fears, or past
All insights are just the consolation prize of psychotherapy
Even if you have all the insights in the world, if you don't make changes in your real life outside of therapy, all the insights, and even the therapy itself, will be of little value.
Follow your jealousy and it will tell you what you want
You must take action for your wishes to come true one by one
In my own life, what should be accepted and what should be changed?
Two consequences of regret
Imprison you in the past
Be the driving force for changing the future
Only silence allows people to truly hear their inner voices. Conversation forces people to keep turning their brains to safely avoid their emotions, but silence is like emptying the mind of garbage. When you stop filling the void with words , something important will surface.
When you give it a try, you may fall, but you can also get up and start all over again.
Deep breathing can act as a preventive mechanism to interfere with our irresistible urges
It fits my type so well
What most people call "type" is a feeling of attraction. It may be an appearance type that attracts them, or it may be a personality type, but hidden behind this type is a sense of familiarity.
If your parents are angry people, you will often end up choosing an angry partner
If your parents are alcoholics, you will often be attracted to people who drink.
People do this because it gives them a sense of familiarity
compulsive repetition
They are inevitably attracted to those qualities that existed in those people, even if those qualities appeared in their parents and caused harm to their childhood.
At the beginning of a relationship, these qualities are almost undetectable, but our subconscious has a sophisticated radar system that is beyond the reach of conscious awareness.
It’s not that people want to be hurt again, it’s that they want to take control of a situation they had no control over in childhood.
Freud called this the "repetition compulsion"
The human subconscious can fantasize
Maybe this time I can get back into the past and heal long-ago wounds by connecting with someone new but familiar.
The problem is that by using objects that feel familiar, people will 100% get the opposite results.
Old wounds will be reopened and people will only become less confident and feel unworthy of love.
Psychotherapist Terry Lear explains our conformist behavior as "we internalize our own family of voices, which become recurring themes in our relationships."
人们不需要用语言来告诉你他们的故事,因为他们的行动会说明一切
For someone like Charlotte, who longs for connection but avoids intimacy, psychotherapy is the perfect setting.
Therapist and client are a perfect combination of closeness and distance. They can be close but not too close.
The role of projection means that the client imposes his or her thoughts on others, while projective identification means that the client introduces his or her thoughts into others through induction.
3
Let the night fall in our hearts, and leave the stars behind - Victor Hugo
conversion disorder
The patient's coma is "converted" into neurological conditions such as paralysis, balance problems, urinary incontinence, blindness, deafness, tremors, or epilepsy. Usually the symptoms are temporary and often rooted in psychological stressors. Related
After a terrible fall from a height, you may feel that your legs are paralyzed even if your leg nerve function is normal.
Witnessing a gruesome murder may cause temporary blindness
People with conversion disorder do not pretend. They have a psychological need to think that they are sick, and they consciously and try every possible means to create the appearance of being sick.
The symptoms are real but have no conclusive scientific explanation and appear to be caused by the patient's completely unconscious emotional distress
More likely to appear in cultures with strict rules and in environments with few opportunities for emotional expression
Sometimes we add drama to ourselves, which can be a way of self-healing. No matter whether it is a drama of bitterness or not, it can prevent us from facing the crisis brewing in our hearts and allow ourselves to deceive ourselves and gain a moment of peace.
We often expect others to tell us what to do, as if others have standard answers, and as if so many of the choices we make every day in our daily lives really have right and wrong answers.
People actually hate being told what to do. Although people will repeatedly and tirelessly ask you to tell them what to do, once you give in and give advice, they will not really feel relieved, but feel relieved. And even if everything goes well in the follow-up development, resentment in people's hearts cannot be avoided, because people ultimately want to have control over their voices in their own lives.
This is why children from an early age beg their parents to let them make their own decisions
Everyone has this internal struggle to some extent: Do I want to be a child or an adult? Do I want to be safe or free? Every decision people make in the continuous changes in life is based on two factors: fear and love
Alexithymia
Not understanding how I feel or not being able to put it into wordsi
When the other half gets what they want, how noble do people have to be to rationally accept this reality?
The faster I move, the less I see because everything becomes blurry in the speed of movement
People want to find a quick solution to their problems, but they don’t know that what caused their emotional problems in the first place is the too hasty pace of life. They think that they are busy now so that they can have the opportunity to enjoy life in the future, but often later There is no "later"
Psychoanalyst Erich Fromm: Modern people always feel that if they don’t do things quickly enough, they will lose some time. But when faced with the time saved, they don’t know what to do, so they can only pass the time.
Avoidance is to face a problem without facing it
ultimate question
die
An instinctive fear that we often repress and that gradually intensifies as we age
It’s not just death itself that we fear, it’s the loss of identity, the loss of our young, vibrant selves.
Fight this fear by choosing to refuse growth or self-destruction
Lonely
May cause hallucinations, panic, paranoia, despair, difficulty concentrating, obsessive-compulsive behavior, and suicide
free
The desire for freedom, and all of our existential dilemmas that freedom brings with it
meaningless
Uncertainty does not mean a loss of hope, it means there are still possibilities
When we face those unspeakable pains, everyone will have different ways to protect themselves
behavior change model
People prefer to achieve change through a continuous phased process
step
Not ready stage
At this stage before getting to the point
I didn't even think about changing it
Not aware of the problem
indecision stage
full of conflicting emotions
a resistance
Be aware of the problem
willing to discuss issues
No objection to action in theory
But I can’t put it into practice and let myself do it
Psychotherapy is often initiated during the indecision stage
engage in procrastinating behavior
Make trouble for yourself to avoid facing change
When people don’t know what change will bring, they are often unwilling to give up what they have now.
change means loss
The new situation is disturbing
Preparation Phase
Start looking up relevant information
I made up my mind
action stage
Follow your own plan
maintenance phase
Maintain the results of changes over a long period of time
Doesn't mean it won't go backwards
pressure
special inducement
Old habits return
People with addiction problems easily surround themselves with other people with addiction problems
People in the maintenance phase can usually get back on track with positive support
Freud
Humans tend to seek pleasure and avoid pain
frank
People's main driving force is not happiness-oriented, but the tendency to find the meaning of life
A person can be deprived of anything except his last freedom - the freedom to choose his attitude under given circumstances.
There is some space between stimulus and response, and this space allows us to choose our response of our own volition.
How we respond embodies our growth and freedom
If you share an unpalatable truth, it means you need to face the truth, but you will also gain a reward, which is freedom
The truth can free us from shame
Eric Erikson's stages of psychological development
Infancy (Hope) – Trust/Distrust
Early Childhood (Will) - Independence/Shyness and Doubt
Preschool (Purpose) – Initiative/Guilt
Schoolchildhood (ability) - Diligence/Inferiority
Teen (Loyal) – Identity/Role Confusion
Young Adult (Love) - Intimacy/Loneliness
Middle-Aged Adult (Care) - Regeneration/Stagnation
Older Adult (Wisdom) – Self-Actualization/Despair
Each stage has conflicts and crises that need to be faced. Only by overcoming the crisis of the previous stage can we enter the next stage.
She has become accustomed to seeing the world from a flawed perspective, and as a result, happiness is a foreign feeling to her.
If you are used to being abandoned, if you know very well what it feels like to be let down and rejected by others, although this feeling is not good, at least there will be no surprises, because you have become accustomed to it.
You will feel uneasy when you step into an unfamiliar area (even if this unfamiliar area is good for you)
happiness phobia
People who have experienced trauma are prone to expect disaster again. They will not tend to approach the good things that happen in life. They will become alert and always waiting for bad luck to come.
forced forgiveness
Sometimes people choose to forgive in order to get over a trauma. They need to get over the trauma by forgiving the person who caused them harm.
People are pressured to forgive others. In the end, if they cannot do it, they will think that there is nothing wrong with them, that they are not enlightened enough, not strong enough, or lack compassion.
You can be compassionate but choose not to forgive, and there are many ways to move on with life that don't include faking your feelings.
True compassion is not forgiveness but compassion
Sometimes we long for forgiveness from others just for self-satisfaction, and we pray for forgiveness from others just to avoid having to forgive ourselves, because self-forgiveness is more difficult to do.
Pain can be protective, persistent depression can be an escape
It seems that as long as you avoid talking about some things, those things will disappear, but in fact it will only make those things more terrible.
It is difficult for a person to say "no" to others largely because he is seeking approval - he feels that if he says "no", others will no longer love him. And if it is difficult for a person to say "yes" to others , - whether it's an intimate relationship, a job opportunity, or an alcohol rehab session - it's all about a lack of confidence in themselves. They wonder, will I mess up? Will it be worse if I mess up? Would it be safer if I stayed where I was?
There is no level of pain
People's sufferings should not be compared because suffering is not a competition
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's "Five Paragraphs" on Grief
deny
anger
bargain
depression
accept
The price of deep love is to feel sorrow and pain more deeply. This is also a gift, a gift that only living life can have. If we can no longer experience any emotion, we should be sad for our own death.
Impermanence
When people are in pain, they often think that the pain will last forever. But in fact, our feelings are like the weather. You feel sad in this moment, this hour, this day, and It doesn't mean that you will be in the same mood ten minutes later, that afternoon, or next week - restless, elated, sad - it can all change in an instant.
paradox intervention
Therapists instruct clients not to perform behaviors that they are unable to perform
If the client believes that a certain behavior is beyond their control, then we will give the behavior voluntariness, make them feel that they can choose to do it or not, and then introduce this belief into their thinking. Once the client realizes By choosing a behavior, they can unconsciously reap the attendant benefits—escape from our instructions, resist, or call for help.
During couples therapy, therapists often discuss the difference between privacy and secrets
Privacy is the psychological space everyone needs in a healthy relationship
Secrets are born of shame and often corrode a relationship. Jung called secrets "poison to the soul."
People tend to remember what they have experienced based on how it ended, so the ending process is crucial to psychotherapy.
We will use psychological defense mechanisms to fight against anxiety, frustration, or some shocks that we cannot accept, but the most amazing thing is that we are usually unconscious when we use these defense mechanisms.
deny
The reason why smokers feel chest tightness is because the weather is too hot, not because of smoking
rationalization
Make excuses for yourself
accept something embarrassing
reverse formation
Hating someone but insisting on making friends with him
Defense mechanisms range from primitive to mature.
"sublimation"
Transform potentially harmful impulses into less harmful manifestations
People who are impulsive and violent go to practice boxing
replacement
Transferring emotions to a safer object - a neurological epidemic prevention mechanism
not original
immature
The essence of life is change, and human nature is to resist change
There are many problems in our lives. Even if I don’t know what the future will bring, I still have to face it, deal with my worries, and focus my life on the present.
When we are young, we see life as a beginning, a process and some important life choices. But as we grow older - or perhaps in the "process" of growing up, we realize that everyone's life There will always be some unsolvable problems in every process. And every "process" is a life decision, so what we have to do is to make these processes more meaningful.
No matter whether you love or be loved, you will inevitably have to face loss, but knowing that there is a possibility of loss and being afraid of facing loss are two different things.
He felt embarrassed to expose his inner vulnerability and felt that he needed others to take care of him. It was so scary for him to talk to others.
Even in the most perfect intimate relationship in the real world, you will inevitably be hurt, and no matter how much you love someone, sometimes difficulties will hurt that person. This is not because you want to hurt anyone, but because Because we are all human
You will inevitably hurt your partner, your parents, your children, your closest friends - and they will hurt you - because you have chosen intimacy, and injury is a subsidiary of intimacy. Terms
Don't rush to judge. You can be cautious, but you can't be prejudiced.
I've seen many close relationships collapse simply because one partner was afraid of being abandoned and instead did everything they could to push the other person away.
After I tasted the taste of sadness, every laughter and every good time I experienced again made me feel ten times happier.
Failure is part of being human
How can you feel safe in a world full of uncertainty?
We’re not talking about those image-twisting conversations in the woods—those are mostly empty talk. People pray for peace, clarity, understanding, and healing at the end of their lives, but the end-of-life stage is often a hodgepodge of drugs, fear, confusion, and weakness. So we must become who we want to be "now" and take action while we still have the ability to become more open and generous.
How many people don’t try what they really want in life because it would be more painful to fall just short of achieving their goal than not trying in the first place.
Maybe we all need to experience doubt, criticism, and questioning before we can truly let go
Most of us have a "they" in our hearts. Even if no one is observing our lives, we always think they are. But the people who really pay attention to us - those who see through us - they don't care at all about our pretense. the self, the self we perform
Gain and lose, lose and gain, which one comes first and which one comes last?
Freedom is not in the front, but deep in our hearts. No matter what the external environment is, we can choose how to live, no matter what has happened in life, what we have lost in life, no matter how old we are, whether we have reached the age of It's not the end in the end
You have to let go and do it first, and then you can understand something
Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and experience it through action, and the meaning will finally emerge.
It is one thing to abandon self-limiting thinking, and it is another thing to make yourself less constrained in doing things. This is the transformation from words to actions.
The various relationships we have experienced in our lives will never really end - even if you never see each other again, everyone you have been close to will live deep in your heart. Intentionally or unintentionally, they will evoke some memories. And you can often tell from them how you get along with others. Sometimes you talk to them in your mind, and sometimes they talk to you in your dreams.