How do we change?

in dealing with others

You can't escape the pain, you can only admit it

Indulging in the illusion of "no pain" and denying pain will only cause greater trouble.

It is always difficult to be honest, especially when you really want to do something and admit your own powerlessness.

When pain can be spoken, people can gain the most basic courage to see, feel and trust

Another important step in psychotherapy is to help people take responsibility for their current predicaments, because only when people realize that they have the ability and must rely on their own abilities to build their lives, can they let go and change. However, people often put their Your own problems are attributed to external factors such as environment or conditions. Since the problem is caused by others or objective factors and is the fault of the outside world, then why is it necessary to change yourself? After all, even if you change your determination to change, the outside world will still be the same. same as usual

If you cannot realize that "perfection is the enemy of happiness", then you have deprived yourself of the right to be happy

The reason why therapy can trigger all kinds of strange reactions is that it's like an adult movie in a way - both involve some level of nudity and both can be thrilling.

In the initial stages of experiencing pain, people tend to lash out at others or themselves, allowing their anger to turn outward or inward.

Do one thing and let it drive you to do another, replacing a vicious cycle with a virtuous cycle.

The only thing I cared about at that time seemed to be watching TV, because only those dramas updated on time every week could immerse me in the fictional world and restore my perception for a moment; or to be more precise, only immersed in the fictional world, Only then can I block out those things that make me unhappy but unable to change.

In fact, what we can control in life is not as much as we think, but facing illness is the most powerless thing. Whether it is facing life or facing a treatment, what people are never willing to imagine is that even if Even if you do everything right, you may still get a lucky draw.

The formation of attachment patterns depends on the interaction between our childhood and our caregivers. Attachment patterns are crucial because they will also affect the way people get along with others as adults and how they choose a partner (stable or unstable). ), affects how they behave in a relationship (whether they are craving, distant, or unstable), and how the relationship ends (whether they are sad, amiable, or completely broken)

Most people are smart enough to find ways to block out problems they don't want to address directly, or to divert attention and activate defense mechanisms to keep threats away from them.

A "foolish" compassion

People often mistake numbness for emptying out, but numbness is not a lack of feelings, but a reaction when people are swallowed up by too many feelings.

There is a difference between pain and suffering

What we resist most is often what we need to see most

Psychotherapists talk about how the past affects the present, how our past affects our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and we all realize at some point in our lives that we have to give up making up fantasies about the past.

If you waste your life lamenting the fact that you didn't go to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy all the very special and wonderful aspects of the Netherlands.

Most of us take the people we love and the things we find meaningful as a given. It is not until we are sentenced to death that we realize that the prerequisite for everything is: we are still alive.

Most mental health practitioners believe that personality disorders are incurable because, unlike mood disorders such as depression or anxiety, personality disorders are long-standing, consistent patterns of behavior that are part of a person's personality. Change In other words, personality disorders are self-concordant, which means that the behavior is synchronized with the perpetrator's self-concept, so patients with this type of disorder will think that others are causing trouble in their lives. Mood disorders are self-dissonance. , so such patients feel miserable about their situation. They do not fall into depression or anxiety voluntarily, they know they have a problem

For most people, our biggest problem is that we don’t know what’s wrong with us. We always fall into the same pit. Why do we keep doing things that will definitely make us unhappy?

Honesty is a more effective medicine than sympathy. It has the power to soothe people's hearts, but it is often hidden deep in it - Gretel Ehrlich

If the interaction between therapist and client does not recur in the client's relationships with the outside world, it is usually because the client does not have any deep relationships with other people in his or her life.

American journalist Alex Tizan believes that everyone has an epic story in his heart, and that he exists "in the tangle of burdens and desires."

Psychotherapy is challenging because it forces people to look at themselves from perspectives they usually avoid.

We all fear being left out, ignored, shunned, and ultimately losing the ability to love and living alone.

Carl Jung coined the term "collective unconscious", which refers to the part of the brain that preserves "ancestral memories" or experiences shared by all mankind. Freud analyzed dreams from an objective level, that is, the content of the dream and the reality of the dreamer Life-related (including character roles, specific situations), while Jungian psychology analyzes dreams from a subjective level to explain how dreams are related to common themes in our collective unconscious.

The basic principles of quality parenting are moderation, empathy, and compliance with the child’s nature.

Happiness equals reality minus expectations

Many of the destructive behaviors we exhibit are rooted in an emotional void that is always begging for something to fill it.

In a family system, once one person starts to make changes, even if the change is healthy and positive, other members of the family system are likely to do their best to maintain the status quo and bring the system back to a stable state.

There is a difference between criticism and complaint. The former contains an element of judgment, while the latter contains a request.

Emotions guide behavior, and once we understand our emotions, we can make decisions

Peace is not about being in a place without noise, worry and toil, but about maintaining inner peace even in the midst of complexity.

Most people go into therapy feeling trapped—prisoned by their thoughts, behaviors, work, fears, or past

All insights are just the consolation prize of psychotherapy

Follow your jealousy and it will tell you what you want

In my own life, what should be accepted and what should be changed?

Only silence allows people to truly hear their inner voices. Conversation forces people to keep turning their brains to safely avoid their emotions, but silence is like emptying the mind of garbage. When you stop filling the void with words , something important will surface.

When you give it a try, you may fall, but you can also get up and start all over again.

Deep breathing can act as a preventive mechanism to interfere with our irresistible urges

It fits my type so well

compulsive repetition

For someone like Charlotte, who longs for connection but avoids intimacy, psychotherapy is the perfect setting.

The role of projection means that the client imposes his or her thoughts on others, while projective identification means that the client introduces his or her thoughts into others through induction.

Let the night fall in our hearts, and leave the stars behind - Victor Hugo

conversion disorder

Sometimes we add drama to ourselves, which can be a way of self-healing. No matter whether it is a drama of bitterness or not, it can prevent us from facing the crisis brewing in our hearts and allow ourselves to deceive ourselves and gain a moment of peace.

We often expect others to tell us what to do, as if others have standard answers, and as if so many of the choices we make every day in our daily lives really have right and wrong answers.

Everyone has this internal struggle to some extent: Do I want to be a child or an adult? Do I want to be safe or free? Every decision people make in the continuous changes in life is based on two factors: fear and love

Alexithymia

When the other half gets what they want, how noble do people have to be to rationally accept this reality?

The faster I move, the less I see because everything becomes blurry in the speed of movement

Avoidance is to face a problem without facing it

ultimate question

Uncertainty does not mean a loss of hope, it means there are still possibilities

When we face those unspeakable pains, everyone will have different ways to protect themselves

behavior change model

Freud

frank

If you share an unpalatable truth, it means you need to face the truth, but you will also gain a reward, which is freedom

Eric Erikson's stages of psychological development

She has become accustomed to seeing the world from a flawed perspective, and as a result, happiness is a foreign feeling to her.

happiness phobia

forced forgiveness

True compassion is not forgiveness but compassion

Pain can be protective, persistent depression can be an escape

It seems that as long as you avoid talking about some things, those things will disappear, but in fact it will only make those things more terrible.

It is difficult for a person to say "no" to others largely because he is seeking approval - he feels that if he says "no", others will no longer love him. And if it is difficult for a person to say "yes" to others , - whether it's an intimate relationship, a job opportunity, or an alcohol rehab session - it's all about a lack of confidence in themselves. They wonder, will I mess up? Will it be worse if I mess up? Would it be safer if I stayed where I was?

There is no level of pain

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's "Five Paragraphs" on Grief

The price of deep love is to feel sorrow and pain more deeply. This is also a gift, a gift that only living life can have. If we can no longer experience any emotion, we should be sad for our own death.

Impermanence

paradox intervention

During couples therapy, therapists often discuss the difference between privacy and secrets

People tend to remember what they have experienced based on how it ended, so the ending process is crucial to psychotherapy.

We will use psychological defense mechanisms to fight against anxiety, frustration, or some shocks that we cannot accept, but the most amazing thing is that we are usually unconscious when we use these defense mechanisms.

Defense mechanisms range from primitive to mature.

The essence of life is change, and human nature is to resist change

No matter whether you love or be loved, you will inevitably have to face loss, but knowing that there is a possibility of loss and being afraid of facing loss are two different things.

He felt embarrassed to expose his inner vulnerability and felt that he needed others to take care of him. It was so scary for him to talk to others.

Even in the most perfect intimate relationship in the real world, you will inevitably be hurt, and no matter how much you love someone, sometimes difficulties will hurt that person. This is not because you want to hurt anyone, but because Because we are all human

Don't rush to judge. You can be cautious, but you can't be prejudiced.

I've seen many close relationships collapse simply because one partner was afraid of being abandoned and instead did everything they could to push the other person away.

After I tasted the taste of sadness, every laughter and every good time I experienced again made me feel ten times happier.

Failure is part of being human

How can you feel safe in a world full of uncertainty?

We’re not talking about those image-twisting conversations in the woods—those are mostly empty talk. People pray for peace, clarity, understanding, and healing at the end of their lives, but the end-of-life stage is often a hodgepodge of drugs, fear, confusion, and weakness. So we must become who we want to be "now" and take action while we still have the ability to become more open and generous.

How many people don’t try what they really want in life because it would be more painful to fall just short of achieving their goal than not trying in the first place.

Maybe we all need to experience doubt, criticism, and questioning before we can truly let go

Most of us have a "they" in our hearts. Even if no one is observing our lives, we always think they are. But the people who really pay attention to us - those who see through us - they don't care at all about our pretense. the self, the self we perform

Gain and lose, lose and gain, which one comes first and which one comes last?

Freedom is not in the front, but deep in our hearts. No matter what the external environment is, we can choose how to live, no matter what has happened in life, what we have lost in life, no matter how old we are, whether we have reached the age of It's not the end in the end

You have to let go and do it first, and then you can understand something

The various relationships we have experienced in our lives will never really end - even if you never see each other again, everyone you have been close to will live deep in your heart. Intentionally or unintentionally, they will evoke some memories. And you can often tell from them how you get along with others. Sometimes you talk to them in your mind, and sometimes they talk to you in your dreams.