A major premise of Adlerian psychology: denying seeking approval from others.

Why do people seek approval from others? In many cases it is due to the influence of reward and punishment education.

Under reward-and-punishment education, a wrong way of life will arise. If you can be rewarded, you will do it, and if not, don't do it. This is also a kind of teleology.

We “don’t live to meet other people’s expectations.” If you hope too much to be recognized by others, you will live according to other people's expectations. That is to give up your true self and live in the lives of others.

Separate your own “life issues” from those of others

Adlerian Psychology first considers "Whose subject is this?" The way to determine whose project it is is “who will ultimately bear the consequences of a certain choice?”

Adlerian psychology does not promote laissez-faire. You should not interfere arbitrarily with others, but help others when they need help, respect the wishes of others, and the only one who can change yourself is yourself.

Parents who are troubled by their relationship with their children tend to think that their children are my life. In short, they regard the children's issues as their own issues, always only considering the children, and when they realize it, they have lost themselves. But no matter how much parents take care of their children's problems, children are still independent individuals and will not live completely according to their parents' ideas.

Precisely because we are closely related family members, it is even more necessary to consciously separate topics.

Interfering or even taking on other people's problems will make your own life heavy and painful. If you are distressed about your own life - and this distress stems from interpersonal relationships - first please clarify the boundary of "this is not your own issue"; then, please put aside other people's issues. This is the first step to lightening the burdens of life and making it simpler.

Why do people care so much about other people's eyes? The answer given by Adlerian psychology is very simple, that is because you do not know how to separate subjects.

Suggestion: First think about "whose issue is this?" Then separate the topics - which are your own topics and which are other people's topics, and draw the line calmly. Moreover, do not interfere with other people's issues and do not let others interfere with your own issues. This is the concrete and epoch-making perspective given by Adlerian psychology that may revolutionize interpersonal troubles.

Subject separation is not the end goal of human relationships, but the gateway. Likewise, building good relationships requires maintaining a certain distance. It is important to maintain a moderate distance that is within reach but does not step into the other person's territory.

The essence of bondage is actually the thought of return. This is an idea that goes against subject separation. We can neither seek rewards nor be bound by them.

There are aspects of Adlerian psychology that are counter-intuitive: denying the theory of causes, denying mental trauma, and adopting teleology; believing that people's troubles are all about interpersonal troubles; in addition, not seeking recognition or separation of topics are also counter-intuitive. theory.

Living to meet the expectations of others and entrusting your life to others is a way of life that lies to yourself and to those around you.

Separating projects is not self-centered. On the contrary, interfering with other people's projects is self-centered.

Not wanting to be disliked by others is a very natural desire and impulse for people. Kant, the giant of modern philosophy, called this desire "tendency."

Not being afraid of being disliked but moving forward courageously, not following the crowd but forging ahead bravely, this is the freedom for people.

The courage to be happy also includes "the courage to be hated." Once you have this courage, your relationships will suddenly become easier.

The “relationship repair card” will be in your own hands. Because as long as I change the "purpose", things will be solved. The "relationship card" is always in your own hands.

Adler opposed all dualist values ​​that consider separately the mind and body, reason and emotion, and consciousness and unconsciousness. The way of considering people as indivisible beings and as "the whole self" is called "holism".

Relationships don’t stop at subject separation. Rather, the subject of separation is the starting point for human relationships.

The "end" of human relationships is "a sense of community."

The state of seeing others as partners and being able to feel that "one has a place" is called a sense of community.

Adler believes that the community he describes includes not only family, school, work unit, and regional society, but also all existences such as countries or humans; on the timeline, it also includes from the past to the future, and even includes animals, plants, or non-living things. . That is to say, it is argued that community is not the existing scope that the concept of "community" refers to in our common impression, but includes "everything" from the past to the future, and even the universe as a whole.

To understand the feeling of community, we need to start from two people (that is, "me and you") and change self-interest into concern for others (social interest).

People who are unable to "separate subjects" and are blindly obsessed with the desire for recognition are also extremely self-centered people. A lifestyle that only cares about "what others think" is a self-centered lifestyle that only cares about "me."

The protagonist of my life is "I". There is nothing wrong with this understanding. However, this does not mean that "I" reign at the center of the world. "I" is the protagonist of my own life, and I am also a member of the community and a part of the whole.

People who only care about themselves tend to think that they are at the center of the world. They transcended the "protagonist of life" and became the "protagonist of the world". Will put others first before yourself. This expectation will not be met every time, because "others do not live to meet your expectations."

We are all looking for a sense of belonging that “can be here.” However, Adlerian psychology believes that a sense of belonging cannot be obtained just by being there, it must be obtained by actively participating in the community.

Only by giving can you find your place. A sense of belonging is not something you are born with, it must be obtained by your own hands.

Action Principle: When we encounter difficulties in interpersonal relationships or cannot see an exit, the first thing we should consider is the principle of "listening to the voice of the greater community."

If it is a relationship that can collapse because of your opposition, then there is no need to enter into this relationship from the beginning, and it doesn't matter if you give it up on your own initiative.

There is no need to stick to the small community in front of you. More other "me and you", more other "everyone", and more large communities must exist.

Regarding all interactions with others represented by child-rearing activities, Adlerian psychology takes the position of "no praise". The reason why Adlerian psychology strongly denies reward and punishment education is because it is used to manipulate children.

Praising this behavior contains the characteristics of "the evaluation of the incompetent by the capable". The purpose of praising others is to "manipulate others who are less capable than themselves", and there is neither gratitude nor respect.

Adlerian psychology opposes all "vertical relationships" and advocates treating all interpersonal relationships as "horizontal relationships." In a sense, this can be said to be the basic principle of Adlerian psychology. Can be expressed as "different but equal"

As long as a horizontal relationship of "different but equal" can be established for everyone, there will be no inferiority complex at all.

The main premise of assistance is subject separation and horizontal relationships. Adlerian psychology calls this kind of assistance based on horizontal relationships "encouragement."

The more people are praised by others, the more they will form the belief that they are incapable. Please keep this in mind.

The most important thing is not to "evaluate" others. Evaluative language is language based on vertical relationships. If you can establish a horizontal relationship, you will naturally say something more sincere to express gratitude, respect or joy.

To be praised is to receive comments such as "very good" from others. Moreover, judging whether a certain behavior is "good" or "bad" is based on other people's standards. If you want to be praised, you can only conform to other people's standards and hinder your own freedom. "Thank you", on the other hand, is not a comment but a more pure word of thanks. When people hear words of thanks, they know that they can contribute something to others.

Adlerian psychology believes that the word "contribution" is very heavy.

How can one acquire "courage"? Adler's insight is that people can only gain courage when they can feel that they are valuable.

People can only feel their own value when they can realize "I am useful to the community." This is the answer to Adlerian psychology.

Please do not look at others by the standard of "behavior" but by the standard of "existence"; do not judge others by "what they have done", but express joy and gratitude for their existence itself.

First of all, it is okay to have only one side with others, and establish a horizontal relationship. Start here.

This does not mean that you should turn anyone into a friend or treat everyone like a friend. That is not the case. What is important is equality in consciousness and insisting on your own opinions.

Building a sense of community needs to be done

People are indeed looking for a sense of belonging that "can be here", so they need self-acceptance and trust in others. A sense of community cannot be achieved through self-acceptance and trust in others alone. A third keyword is needed here - "contribution of others".

You're still young, and the sooner you learn, the sooner you'll be able to change. In the sense that you can change things as soon as possible, you are one step ahead of the elders in the world. In order to change yourself and create a new world, in a sense you are more advanced than me. You can get lost or go astray, as long as you are no longer subordinate to a vertical relationship and can move forward freely without fear of annoying people.

Fact: In any case, it is only "the person" who attacked me that has a problem, and it is never "everyone's" fault. Adlerian psychology believes that this kind of lifestyle is a lifestyle that lacks "life harmony" and is a lifestyle that only judges the whole thing based on part of it.

Whether to accept yourself according to "behavior standards" or to accept yourself according to "existence standards" is exactly a question about "the courage to obtain happiness".

People can only realize their own value when they can feel "I am useful to others." But this contribution can also come in unseen forms. As long as there is a subjective feeling of "being useful to others", that is, a "sense of contribution", it is enough. Definition of happiness: Happiness is the sense of contribution.