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The Art of Communication Chapter 3 Perception
The main significance of this chapter to me lies in stereotypes. I understand how stereotypes are generated from the process of perception, influencing factors of perception, and tendencies (characteristics) of perception; and solve stereotypes through perception check and pillow method. For me personally, it is how to empathize with the other person during communication and not be too stubborn.
Edited at 2024-03-31 15:18:15
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The Art of Communication Chapter 3 Perception
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- Outline
The Art of Communication Chapter 3 Perception
After reading this chapter you should be able to
In a given situation, describe how the processes of selection, organization, interpretation, and negotiation shape communication.
In a specific situation, explain how the factors affecting perception listed in Section 2 affect communication.
Analyze how the general tendencies of perception listed in Section 3 change your evaluation of another person and your communication. At the same time, use this information to propose an alternative that is more accurate than the perceived tendency to find out the other party's true position.
Demonstrate how you use perception checking techniques to examine an important relationship.
Use the Pillow Technique to enhance your cognitive sophistication when encountering disagreements. Also explain how your expanded view of the situation affects your communication with the other party.
3.1 Perceptual process
Each of us experiences a different world, and our different interpretations of other people's perspectives may cause practical and relationship problems for each other, and may also enhance interpersonal relationships.
Seeing the world from other people's perspective can give you different insights, which is more valuable than personal experience and personal understanding.
The things around us are ever-changing, and it is impossible for us to notice everything all the time. We process the things around us by mobilizing our perceptions.
Therefore, the perception process is divided into four steps
choose
organize
Interpretation
Negotiate
3.1.1Selection
With so much information around us, we choose information that leaves a lasting impression on us
What motivates us to choose a piece of information
intensity of stimulation
The greater the stimulus, the easier it is for us to choose
For example, when driving at night, we are more likely to notice a car with high beams on because the high beams are more irritating.
Repetitive stimuli (stimuli that are repeated over and over again)
Not just recurring over a period of time
For example, if your roommate grinds his teeth and you are playing games at night, but your roommate keeps grinding his teeth, you will slowly switch from the game to the sound of your roommate grinding his teeth.
It can also occur repeatedly for many days.
For example, the off-duty ringtone, when you think of the off-duty ringtone, you will choose it
sudden change
Things that remain the same are difficult to attract our attention, but if they suddenly change, they will attract our attention.
For example, if you are a friend who often exercises together, but one day he does not exercise, you will pay attention to his situation.
Motivation (personally I think this is the biggest reason)
What information you select from the environment is relevant to your current motivations
For example, if you are in a hurry, you will frequently unlock your phone to check the time.
For example, if you feel that chatting with the other person is boring, you will find something else to do.
It also determines how you identify others
For example, if you are waiting for the leader of Party A and see a luxury car passing by, you will follow it and take a look.
For example, if you are looking at whether to eat fried skewers on the roadside, you will pay attention to the reactions of people who buy fried skewers.
When we select certain information, it means that we ignore or give up some information.
For example, when you meet a beautiful woman, you may ignore the pet she is holding.
For example, you think a passerby treats your child unfairly, but you ignore that your friend also treats his child unfairly.
Classic example, Daniel Simmons, the invisible gorilla example
3.1.2 Organization
The basic meaning of organization
Combined with the content selected in 3.1.1, the content we pay attention to and display in front of us is called the image, and the other secondary parts are called the background and organization. The basic meaning is the combination of the image and the background.
Organization in communication situations is also a combination of image and background
For example, I am eating lunch and eat a pebble. At this time, the pebble and the rice in my mouth are the image, and the dishes on the plate and external things are the background.
For example, when you go to the snack street, you are surrounded by cries, but you only notice the sound of Bobo Chicken (Bobo Chicken for one yuan a string). The repetitive stimulation here (listening to too much background music on Douyin) makes you excited. You chose this voice to become the image, and the other cries became the background
perceptual model
Everyone has their own unique way or ways of organizing images and backgrounds, which are called perceptual models
For example, using appearance as a perceptual model (appearance party): beauty or ugliness, height or shortness, fatness or thinness
For example, social roles are used as perceptual models: boss, colleague, Party A, Party B
For example, using behavior style as a perceptual model: capable, ruthless, hesitant, cautious
Perceptual models shape how we understand others
For example, if I see someone wearing a police uniform passing by, I will think that he is a policeman.
For example, I treat new colleagues as inexperienced
Perceptual models also shape how we communicate with others
For example, when the person whom I treat as a policeman asks me questions, I will be very cooperative.
For example, if I think he is a newcomer who lacks experience, I will guide him seriously and treat him like a senior.
Stereotype
When we use a set of perceptual models, we will gradually classify and summarize the people we think fit this perceptual model.
For example, the person wearing a police uniform in the example is considered by me to be a police officer. This is based on the person's appearance and clothing.
For example, I think newcomers who lack experience are based on the characteristics of their social roles.
When our classifications and generalizations do not fit the actual situation, we develop stereotypes
For example, people wearing police uniforms are police officers. Some online fraudsters take advantage of this and create stereotypes.
For example, a newcomer who I think lacks experience is actually a senior engineer with several years of work experience.
How to judge whether you have a stereotype about something
three characteristics
Classify by easily identifiable features
Such as appearance, age, occupation
Apply a certain characteristic to most people or things of a certain type
For example, newcomers lack experience and gangsters are low-educated.
Apply a set of behaviors to any member of a group
For example, trust and obey the police and be gentle to women
For example, if you see hot pot, hot pot is. Use your own words to express it. If it is expressed without hesitation, it means there is a stereotype.
The horror of stereotypes
When we fall into stereotypes - in order to support our ideas, we will search for some examples, past experiences and even quotes out of context to support our ideas
For example, when I'm waiting in line and I see an aunt jumping in line, I will say that the aunt has low quality because she has no education.
Stereotypes about others are reinforced through the self-fulfilling cycle introduced in Chapter 2
For example, my stereotype of teachers is that they are irritable and cruel, so I am cautious every time. At the same time, I look for ideas and content to support my ideas, which strengthens my ideas and makes me more and more afraid of teachers.
How to change stereotypes
Remove the other person from the stereotyped group you place them into and treat the other person as an individual
For example, if I want to change my relationship with my teacher, I have to remove the teacher from the professional group and treat the other person as an individual. Assume that he does not have the stereotypes of the teacher profession.
Reverse image and background
When communicating with the other party, bring to the table the information you ignored in the background and pay attention to them. You may have a different experience.
For example, when I communicate with a teacher, I put the other person’s occupation into the background, pay attention to the other person’s mental state, or simple clothing, etc., and the communication will have different effects.
Sentence segmentation (arrangement)
Organizational processes are affected not only by perceptual models (including stereotypes), but also by the way we arrange the information we communicate to each other. Just like a sentence without punctuation, each of us may interpret it differently. meaning presentation
For example, when a husband and his wife quarrel, the husband accuses his wife of constantly questioning her, and the wife accuses her husband of constantly evading.
The husband puts the behavior of his wife's cross-examination before the reasons for his wife's cross-examination. If the husband puts the reasons for his wife's cross-examination first and changes the order, then the husband will ask his wife for the reasons for cross-examination, ending the cycle.
The wife puts her husband's evasive behavior before the reasons for her husband's evasion. If the wife changes the order, why does the husband avoid the problem? Modify her communication method to achieve better communication.
When you are stuck in a dilemma caused by broken sentences, the solution is to admit that there is a dispute between the two parties and think about how to do it better.
3.1.3 Interpretation
After selecting and organizing, we interpret it
For example, your boss asks you to do something troublesome. Is this to give you experience, or is it asking you to do groceries?
For example, if your teacher asks you to go to the office, does he want to teach you or praise you?
Influencing factors
Deep friendship
literal meaning
If you were a cook in the kitchen, and one was a student who often chatted with you, and the other was a stranger, you should give more food to the familiar students.
personal experience
When you encounter something you have experienced in the past, your interpretation of it will be biased.
For example, if you are a teacher and a student fails to do his homework, he will say that he did not do it. Next time you meet this student and lie and say that he did not do it, you will give priority to the fact that he did not do it.
different assumptions about human behavior
This is what your understanding of human beings is like
For example, if you believe that people are inherently good, then you will think that other people’s actions are kind. If people are inherently evil, then you will be wary of other people’s actions.
manner
Your attitude towards something or a person
For example, if you have a useless opinion about going to school, you will not encourage others to go to school, or even discourage them. On the contrary, you will encourage others to go to school and study.
expect
Your expectations of things also affect your interpretation
For example, if you have a desire for the opposite sex when the beautiful woman in front of you comes towards you, you will expect her to talk to you, and even go further.
information
How much information you know also affects your interpretation
For example, if you don’t know that your friend is sick, you may complain when he does not participate in the agreed game, but when you know that he is sick, your attitude may turn 180°.
relationship satisfaction
When the relationship satisfaction between the two parties is pleasure or dissatisfaction, this affects your interpretation
The party who feels that the relationship is low in satisfaction will be more likely to have negative emotions towards the other party, criticize the other party, think that the other party is selfish, malicious, etc.
self-concept
Your self-concept, whether you are an extrovert or an introvert, whether you are carefree or cautious, the impact of self-concept on interpretation is very important
Sequence of selection, organization, interpretation
It is not fixed and must be carried out in sequence. These three parts are completed in our hearts and the order changes at any time.
For example, you are walking on the street and you choose a barbecue stall. This is a choice. The barbecue ingredients, prices, and number of customers are organized. You interpret based on the price, ingredients, and number of people that this restaurant is not good; then you hear the boss When shouting, you interpret that this store is not good. At this time, you choose to hear the harsher part of the boss's voice, organize the harsh voice, the image of the boss, and the situation of the store to deepen your interpretation of this store.
3.1.4 Negotiation
Selection, organization, and interpretation are carried out in people's minds, and the activities of perception also occur between two people or a group of people.
When people influence each other's perceptions and reach agreement on perceptions, this process is called negotiation
Negotiate
Negotiation can be understood as people exchanging stories with each other
The ones we use to describe our stories are called narratives
narrative
There is a big difference between narrative and narration, and people will choose different narrative methods in different situations.
When we play different roles, our narratives are also different
Exchanging each other's stories can effectively deepen the relationship between two people
For example, when a couple expresses their emotional experiences through narration, they may be gentle and full of memories.
For example, when a teacher and a student express their failure to do their homework, the teacher's narrative may be direct, while the student's narrative may be full of lies.
When our narratives conflict, if we find a common narrative base and negotiate it, then this will provide the best chance for smooth communication with each other.
Lovers who go through many obstacles and end up together are happier than those who have not experienced anything together.
The friendship between friends who have experienced hardships together will be stronger than ordinary friends.
A common narrative does not need to be clear and truthful
The example given in the book is that of a couple on their golden wedding. Although they had arguments and couldn't remember the scene clearly, they still came to a common conclusion.
3.2 Factors affecting perception
3.2.1 Obtain information
We can only understand what we know
Even with the closest people in our lives, we still have information we don’t know
When you gain information, your perceptions of others change
When a person's different roles overlap, new information about that person can be obtained
For example, the celebrities we see every day are all star-studded, but if we meet them in real life, we may see a big eater, or even a completely different image from her on the stage.
New information provided by social media may also change a person's original perception
Part of an individual's role is only shown to a few specific people, or even kept private
3.2.2 Physiological factors
Even the same thing will have different impressions due to individual physiological differences in each of us.
senses
Everyone’s sense of sight, hearing, touch, smell, and taste are different, which affects our perception.
For example, I can't eat spicy food, but my friend likes to eat very spicy food. When we go out to eat hot pot, he will complain about the spiciness. If he orders medium spicy food, he will say that it is not spicy at all, and he needs to add more spiciness, while I keep drinking water.
Some people like the smell of heather, others can't stand it; some people like durian, and some hate durian.
This reflects that everyone is different. Don’t have disagreements just because the other person has some sensory differences with me.
Psychological Challenges (Mental Illness)
Problems caused by nervous system and psychological factors can also affect perception
The most common obsessive-compulsive disorder is mysophobia. One of the two people has mysophobia and the other does not. The person with mysophobia may be angry at the other person's lack of hygiene.
Other more serious mental illnesses, such as depression, split personality, etc., have a more serious impact on perception.
Most people will not notice psychological factors without professional intervention, so sometimes some differences in people's perceptions may come from factors that they themselves are not aware of.
age
At different ages and stages of life, we have different views on different things.
Many parents may have this feeling. The difference between being a student in the past and being a parent now
Therefore, when you are communicating with people of different ages, you need to pay attention to the factor of age.
health and fatigue
This has a great impact, especially on health, so when you have health problems, you need to speak out clearly, such as colds, fevers, etc.
When you are physically and mentally exhausted, you will definitely make mistakes when dealing with important things, so you should pay attention to rest and adjustment.
hunger
This is also easy to understand. The main reason is that nutritional deficiencies caused by long-term hunger will affect people’s communication methods.
At the same time, not only hunger, but also eating too much will also affect your communication.
So eat normally
physiological cycle
The physiological cycle here not only refers to the biological clock and menstruation, but also includes material transformation, endocrine, hormone secretion, etc. in the body.
Simply when a woman is menstruating, her communication will change from usual.
3.2.3 Cultural differences
People from different countries, regions, and even circles have different cultural backgrounds, which often becomes a perceptual gap.
Grasping different cultural perspectives allows us to gain a deeper understanding of our own and the other person's culture, while also making it easy to forget that others see the world differently than we do.
There is a wide range of cultural differences, and there is no need to elaborate on this.
When different cultures meet, a more important issue is cultural superiority, which needs to be dealt with. Put down your posture and respect the culture of other countries.
In any case, for people with different cultural backgrounds, you must first overcome your own stereotypes and treat people with different cultural backgrounds as separate individuals.
3.2.4 Social roles
From the moment we are born, we are taught by society to play a series of expected roles.
The good side of social roles
On the one hand, these roles help social stability
On the other hand, by meeting the expectations of others, we gain a sense of security and accomplishment.
bad side
Having predetermined assumptions about a character can lead to gaps
When a role is fixed, we tend to see the world from the same angle and point of view, and lose diverse experiences.
gender roles
The difference between sex and gender
Gender: Biological differences between men and women
Gender: the social and psychological differences between men and women
Gender roles refer to the behavioral patterns of men and women that are accepted and expected by society
Since birth, people have been constantly influenced by the words and deeds of others and the influence of the media.
Common gender roles are roughly divided into 8 categories
masculine man
masculine woman
feminine man
feminine woman
A man with both yin and yang
A woman with both yin and yang
undifferentiated men
undifferentiated woman
Behavior that violates gender roles is viewed as unusual or even undesirable
There are indeed differences in perception between men and women, and there are stereotypes
professional role
Our careers may influence how we see the world
For example, when you see a star, the jewelry designer may be looking at the necklace she is wearing, the fashion designer may be observing her taste in clothes, and the fans may be shouting that they can see the star.
Even within the same professional context, different backgrounds can have an impact
For example, leaders and lower-level employees also
Leaders often fail to see the problems faced by lower-level employees
Grassroots employees fail to consider the scope of the leadership’s considerations
relationship role
Social roles are actually part of the self in Chapter 2, and part of the self is relationships, which has a great impact on our perception.
The simplest example is a love relationship. When people are in love, they will ignore the shortcomings of the other person.
3.3 Perceptual tendencies
Attribution refers to the process by which I attribute meaning to behavior
We often use two different sets of criteria to attribute behavior to ourselves and others
This section describes the perceptual tendencies that lead to this behavioral attribution fallacy.
3.3.1 Be strict with others and kind to yourself
self-serving bias
We rate ourselves as more tolerant than others and try to convince ourselves that “I mean the best.”
When we encounter problems, we will blame them on external forces and others, instead of thinking of ourselves first
When others encounter problems, they will first think that the problem is caused by others themselves, and will not think that it is possible for themselves.
For example, it is clear that the work is not as good as others, but it is said that it is because someone else left.
For example, if you ran a red light yourself, but you said someone else also ran a red light, why didn't you say anything to others?
honest and hurtful
Some information, when we say it, although it is true, will hurt others, which is a self-serving bias.
For example, if you tell your parents that you are excellent and worthy of their pride, you will most likely get a rebuttal.
3.3.2 First impression
first impression
We will label others based on our first impression, which is inevitable in the perception process
These labels are part of the perceptual interpretation
If the first impression is accurate, it will be useful to others in thinking, responding, and communicating.
If the first impression is inaccurate, we will cling to it and even mobilize conflicting information to make us feel that the first impression is correct.
halo effect
When someone has a certain positive trait, we will impose all the positive impressions on him
Especially appearance, we take good looks as the first impression
For example, promotional posters for film and television dramas often use handsome men and beautiful women because of the halo effect of appearance.
devil effect
When people fall into a negative first impression, they will go into hell and it will be difficult to turn around.
First impressions are inevitable, and all we can do is open up and be willing to admit when you're wrong and change your initial impression.
3.3.3 The heart of harmony can save people’s belly
Based on the cycle of high self-esteem and low self-esteem mentioned in Chapter 2, high self-esteem views others positively, while low self-esteem views others negatively. This is the case in many situations in daily life.
For example, if you do something that hurts your friend's emotions, you are very depressed and feel that it is your fault and are unwilling to communicate; but in fact, he also feels that he is at fault.
The most important thing to solve this situation is, don’t guess, don’t think that others have the same idea as you, you can try
Ask the person directly
Ask people close to the person
Collect information and correct your thoughts
3.3.4 We are influenced by expectations
The expectations here can be understood as other people’s self-fulfilling prophecies
When you know something is good or bad, your actions tend to go in the same direction.
For example, if you know that a certain movie has very low ratings, then your mental preparation before going to see the movie is that you think it is bad, and you may also conclude that the movie is bad.
For example, if you know that the restaurant you are going to for team building today is a Michelin restaurant, then you will have good ideas about the food, and finally you will have the idea of eating the food.
But that doesn’t mean that expectations or other people’s self-fulfilling prophecies will go in one direction.
There are two exceptions
1. Actual things are far lower than or exceed expectations
2. The expectations formed are too low or too high
For example, when buying something on Taobao, we always see various positive reviews, which leads to our expectations being too high, and the actual goods that arrive do not meet our expectations.
For example, some merchants on Taobao sell substandard goods, causing the items we buy to be completely inconsistent with the description, leading to various negative thoughts.
For example, before we watch a bad movie, our expectations are very low, but in the end we feel it is good because of the funny elements.
3.3.5 The most obvious and powerful
We are easily influenced by the obvious
The most obvious thing may or may not be the most important
For example, when we were driving, we lowered our heads to play with our mobile phones and were beeped by the car behind us, so we drove forward and ran through a red light. In this scenario, the most obvious thing at the time was the horn of the car behind us, but the most important thing was the traffic light. Case
3.4 Perception Check
Many times we will wishfully believe that our interpretation of things is the truth, which will cause many serious communication barriers.
At the same time, even if our thoughts are correct, our sharp and righteous words will still make the other party defensive.
Perception checking is a helpful technique for solving this type of problem
3.4.1 Components of Perception Check
The perception check consists of three parts:
Describe the behavior you noticed
List at least two different possible interpretations of this behavior
Ask for clarification on the interpretation of behavior
Exercise 1
You make a suggestion to your teacher that you think is great. Although the other person doesn't show strong emotions, she says she will verify the issue immediately. Now three weeks have passed and nothing has changed.
Describe the behavior you noticed
Teacher, I made suggestions to you three weeks ago, but I still haven’t received a reply.
Two different possible interpretations
It's my suggestion, isn't it?
Or are you busy lately and don’t have time to reply?
Ask for clarification on the interpretation of behavior
Please tell me what you think of my suggestion
A friend who usually greets you has not responded to your "good morning" for three consecutive days.
Describe the behavior you noticed
I noticed that you didn’t respond to me when I said hello to you in the morning for the past three days.
Two different and possible interpretations
What troubles have you encountered recently?
Still quite busy recently
Ask for clarification on the interpretation of behavior
Please tell me why you haven't responded to me lately.
The meaning of perception checking
Perception checking can help you understand others correctly because it does not assume that your first impression is correct.
The purpose of perception check is to understand each other. The process of perception check includes elements towards communication.
Perception checking reduces the other person’s defensiveness by maintaining their face.
Perception checking expresses or implies in a more humble way that I know that I am not qualified to judge you without the help of other clues.
Instead of saying directly, I know what you are thinking.
3.4.2 Perception Check Considerations
Perception checks are not applicable in all situations and cannot be applied mechanically. Certain considerations are required when using them.
integrity
Sometimes a perception check does not need to include all elements
Behavior Asking for clarification
You've been feeling depressed recently. Did something happen?
behavior single interpretation
When you come home these days, you lock yourself in your room. Is it because I annoy you?
Interpretation Asking for clarification
Can you tell me what you think of Mary? Do you like her, or is there something going on between you two?
These incomplete perception checks can only be used in some relatively close situations, such as others sharing symptoms, or you helping others.
However, if you judge that there are certain risks in this matter and communication, you still need a complete perception check.
nonverbal consistency
When your attitude and various non-verbal behaviors, such as gestures, tone, intonation, etc. are consistent with your language, the perception check can be successful.
Nonverbal messages can really reveal your thoughts
For example, if you are asking about the other person's recent troubles, but you talk to them in a contemptuous and arrogant tone, no matter what you say, it will have the opposite effect.
cultural dominance
Low context culture - mainly refers to the West. Language habits strive to be clear and logical, so perception assessments are often very effective.
High-context culture - mainly refers to the East, where society is greater than the individual and collectivism. These values are often more important than speaking clearly. Therefore, sometimes the perception assessment can be a surprise.
For example, when you tell someone that you want the other person to speak clearly, it obviously smells like gunpowder.
But I personally refute this view. Now in China, people are beginning to value personal values and personal opinions. Therefore, the perception assessment is useful and even easy for the younger generation, but it may be really annoying for the older generation.
save face
Perception checking has the effect of preserving the other person's face. When you don't know the other person's attitude and thoughts, you can use perception checking. Perception checking can express your thoughts and ask the other party for clarification. It is much better to get to the point directly.
practise
1. One month after your family ended their visit to you, you haven’t received the weekly phone call from home, and the last time you communicated, there was an argument about where to go on vacation during the visit.
Dear, a month ago when you came to visit we had a disagreement about where to go on vacation, and it broke my heart that I didn't receive a call from you for a month. Are you unwilling to call me now because you had an argument with me, or because you are too busy? Can you tell me the reason why you don't call me?
2. A friend of the opposite sex you have known for many years has recently changed his behavior when he is with you, and has been having more and more frequent physical contact with you recently.
Recently I feel more and more physical contact between the two of us, which makes me a little surprised and a little worried. Is it because of what you have been through recently or because your feelings for me have changed? I want to know why the physical contact between you and me is becoming more and more frequent.
3.5 Empathy and communication
Perception checking is a valuable tool in clarifying ambiguous information, but ambiguous information is only one of the causes behind communication problems.
Sometimes, we can understand what the other person means, but not how they think. This is because we lack empathy and the ability to put ourselves in their shoes.
3.5.1 Empathy
The meaning of empathy
refers to our ability to experience the world from another person's perspective and recreate our personal perspective
We may not be able to fully understand another person's feelings, but if we put in enough effort, we can certainly understand them better.
Three points of empathy
1. Viewpoint
This refers to our attempt to adopt someone else’s point of view
At this time, you must first suspend your judgment and put your own opinions aside.
Then try the other person’s views and ideas, and try to understand the other person
2. Emotion
After we try the other person’s point of view, we need to experience it emotionally
Need to further experience the other person’s fear, joy, sadness, etc.
3. Care
Sincere concern, after experiencing the other person’s views and emotions, sincerely care about the other person
Genuine concern for the other person's well-being
What empathy means to communication
It’s easy to have empathy between people, it’s ingrained in our brains
The ability to empathize with others is present in infancy
When babies hear others crying, they will cry themselves
When many children see other children being injured at a young age, they will take care of the injured child as if they were injured themselves.
Maybe this is what adults lack
Empathy is the essence of cultivating one’s social skills
The influence of nature and nurture on empathy
innate influence
Twins are born with stronger empathy
Genetic factors also influence our ability to empathize
Acquired environmental experiences play key role in empathy development
The way parents communicate with their children will affect their children's ability to understand other people's emotional states.
Parents who can explain to their children why certain things cause trouble to others can help their children understand more than simply labeling their children's behavior as inappropriate.
Allowing children to experience and manage small amounts of frustrating events can improve their future development of empathy.
The impact of culture on empathy
Culture plays an important role in our ability to understand other people's perspectives
Individualism-valuing independence-weak ability to take others' perspective
The west
Collectivism - value dependence - strong ability in empathy
East
Culture has an influence, but it does not mean that there are advantages and disadvantages between cultures
Empathy and Compassion
Compassion - when we use our own point of view to see the situation of others
For example, if we don’t know that the beggar on the roadside is actually rich, we tend to think that he is pathetic at first glance.
Empathy – when we use another person’s point of view to see their situation
For example, the sweeper aunt on the roadside despises beggars. Because she knows beggars are liars, we will also despise liars and avoid them.
When we use compassion, we experience other people’s experiences from our own perspective, and we only stay on the surface; when we use empathy, we experience other people’s experiences from their perspective, and we have a deep understanding of other people’s experiences. Experience can gradually become our experience
Sympathy is feeling happy or sad for others; empathy is being happy or sad with others
Empathy is our experience of empathizing with the other person, but we do not need to agree with the other person's actions.
For example, in cases of passion killing, after the husband cheats on his wife, the wife kills her husband in passion. I feel sad and resentful towards my wife, but I don’t agree with my wife’s actions. There are other smoother ways to deal with it.
3.5.2 Cognitive complexity
cognitive complexity
Refers to people's ability to organize their structure when looking at problems (here is the original text)
Cognitive complexity can improve the satisfaction of interpersonal communication
Cognitive complexity allows you to use more ways to understand and explain other people's behavior, and you are more likely to see the world from their perspective.
Cognitive complexity can also help us describe situations more comprehensively, in more detail, and in more diverse ways
The story of the blind man touching the elephant
Pillow method (increases cognitive complexity)
Perception check is an effective and simple tool in clarifying misunderstandings, but for some problems that are too complex and serious, you can try the pillow method
pillow method
Contains four perspectives and a center, just like a pillow
Position 1: I am right, you are wrong
When we encounter a problem, our subconscious reaction is usually from our own standpoint. We are right and the other party is wrong.
Position 2: You are right, I am wrong
Change your position and analyze as much as possible the differences between the other person’s point of view and your own.
Try to identify the good points in the other person’s point of view
At the same time, deliberately criticize your own opinions and find out the problems
Things to note
Admitting one's own point of view and supporting the other party's point of view requires us to have a certain amount of courage and training.
There are some opinions that are difficult to be considered correct, such as stealing, cheating, etc.
Position 2 does not mean that we must admit that the other party’s point of view is correct
Rather, let’s try to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and try to understand the other person’s reasons
Position 3: Both sides are right, both sides are wrong
The significance of this position is to admit that both sides have advantages and disadvantages. This issue is not about one side being all right or all wrong, as one initially thought.
After experiencing Position 1 and Position 2, we can clearly understand that both views have advantages and disadvantages, and we can view the current issues and the views of both sides more fairly.
Position 4: This issue is not important
This position makes us realize that the current issue is not as important as we initially thought.
When a problem arises, especially an unexpected problem, it is difficult for us to think that the problem is unimportant, but after thinking about most things, we can find that it is not as important as we first thought.
When you realize that whether a question is right or wrong is nothing compared to your relationship, the question is no longer important.
Notice
When we argue endlessly about an issue, we forget that our relationship is similar. The purpose, starting point, and even the core of both of us are similar.
Position 5: All four positions have truth
The significance of this stance is to enhance your empathy, tolerance, and improve the communication atmosphere.
This position allows you to realize that each of the first four positions has advantages, although it does not make sense logically.
After thinking like this, you can look at the problem again
be careful
Generally speaking, the more you care about and attach importance to an issue, the less likely you are to accept positions 2 and 5.
Only when you try to stand in the other person's position and consider the other person can you truly use the pillow method
How to tell if the pillow method is working
If after thinking about the five positions, you can understand the other party without necessarily accepting the other party's point of view, then you have achieved success.
Exercise 1
My dad and I had a dispute over the style of door we should decorate.
I think I should choose a cheap, stain-resistant and cost-effective style; my dad chooses a European-style solid wood door with nice lines but an expensive price.
Position 1, I am right, my dad is wrong
If your family’s finances are not enough, you should save a little and buy something cheaper, as long as it works; choosing something that is too expensive is a waste of money.
Position 2, my dad is right and I am wrong
Once the home decoration is completed, it will cost a lot of money and effort to modify it. Choose a better door, which will last for decades; choose a cheap door, and it will be troublesome to replace it if you don't like it later, so it is better to solve it once
Position 3: We are both wrong and we are both right
You can save money by choosing a cost-effective door, but it may not last for decades. It is better to buy a more expensive one at once, but the financial pressure will be greater if you buy an expensive one.
Position 4: This issue is not important
Buying a door is just a step in the decoration. There is no need to ruin the relationship just because of what to buy. It is better to let my dad choose.
Position 5, positions 1 to 4 are all truth
Now when buying a house, I have some opinions, but the decision is still made by my dad. There is no need to argue over this point. My dad will not ignore the financial situation. I feel that this issue does not need to be taken as seriously as it was at the beginning.
Evaluation: The current exercise is not enough. It still stays on the surface of the problem and does not really stand on the other side's point of view. My dad probably thinks so because the place where I will live in the future will look more high-end. But when I thought about it just now, there was no To think from the other person’s perspective
Summary and regression
In a given situation, describe how the processes of selection, organization, interpretation, and negotiation shape communication.
Situation: During the school lunch break, the teacher came to the class and found a student playing with his mobile phone, so he went up and shouted to stop it. When the student heard it, the student was stunned, cursed, knocked away the teacher, and walked out of the classroom angrily. During this period, the student Rest was disturbed
1. Choose
When the teacher saw students playing with mobile phones, because this was a more obvious matter that was different from other things, and it was also the responsibility of the teacher, he chose to see the students playing with mobile phones, but did not pay attention to other students who were taking a break.
The students chose a stronger stimulus, and the teacher’s words were the object of choice.
2. Organization
The teacher chose the student who played with his mobile phone and ignored other students, thinking that he was not good at studying. This is a stereotype.
The students chose the teacher's scolding, ignored their current state of playing with their mobile phones, and forgot to react. After reacting, they had a hostile attitude towards the teacher, which is the result of long-term experience and relationships.
3. Interpretation
The teacher explained that playing with mobile phones is not good, and students should also be reminded
The student's interpretation is that the teacher scared him and then made him angry
4. Negotiation
There was basically no negotiation. In terms of communication, the teacher stopped and the students chose to leave angrily. There was no good communication.
In a specific situation, explain how the factors affecting perception listed in Section 2 affect communication.
Scenario: Foreign leaders of a multinational company come to the company for a meeting to discuss salary issues
1. Obtain information. At first, I had an attitude of disbelief when foreign leaders came to the company. I felt that the leaders were aloof and would not come in person. However, after seeing them, I changed my original prejudice against the leaders and made me more optimistic about the future and the leaders. The conversation has more positive expectations.
2. Physiological factors, psychological pressure, and the pressure caused by discussing sensitive issues such as salary in front of leaders made me dare not speak easily, and there were barriers to communication.
3. Cultural differences. Foreign leaders like to explain things directly and clearly. Domestic leaders are more tactful and cannot speak clearly, which makes communication between the two parties deadlocked.
4. Social roles and professional roles. Although they are in a company, they are in the role relationship between leaders and grassroots. After I made some suggestions, the leaders said they couldn’t believe it. Both parties have increased their understanding of each other’s situations and increased communication efficiency.
Analyze how the general tendencies of perception listed in Section 3 change your evaluation of another person and your communication. At the same time, use this information to propose an alternative that is more accurate than the perceived tendency to find out the other party's true position.
First question:
1. A new friend has recently been sending me various welfare coupons and taking me to join various welfare groups. I have a good evaluation of him and think he is a person who knows how to live and is enthusiastic; The most obvious and most powerful one is the halo effect of the other party. The communication is very effective and you trust him.
2. Then I found out that one of the welfare coupons he issued was related to a certain MLM organization. I was very angry. After that, the communication was not smooth and we almost lost contact. This was due to the influence of expectations. The MLM organization made me have feelings for my friends. Because of the negative expectations, and at the same time, because I was trying to save others with my own heart, I did not listen to my friend’s explanation, and assumed that the other party was related to pyramid schemes.
Second question:
This situation of giving benefits in the early stage and attracting people to pyramid schemes in the later stage also exists. However, it should not be handled directly like this. However, you should confirm the situation first, contact the police if necessary, and then decide whether to disconnect, rather than based on your own stereotypes. Come.
Demonstrate how you use perception checking techniques to examine an important relationship.
Refer to the above example
My friend asked me to go out to eat, but I didn't agree. At this time, my friend was a little disgusted. I told him, you asked me to go out to eat so actively today, but I didn't agree. Do you think I am being modest, or have you forgotten that I have been recently? I'm trying to lose weight and can't eat more. I want to know what you think about me not agreeing to eat.
Use the Pillow Technique to enhance your cognitive sophistication when encountering disagreements. Also explain how your expanded view of the situation affects your communication with the other party.
My wife and I went on a trip and started making travel plans, but it rained halfway and we needed to readjust our plans. My wife suggested that we skip the next attraction and go directly to the amusement park so that we could catch the floats at the amusement park in the evening. Parade; I don’t agree, because the next attraction is a place I have always wanted to visit but haven’t been to. I must go this time
1. I am right, she is wrong
The next attraction is a place I have been looking forward to for a long time. I must go this time to satisfy my long-term expectations.
She suggested skipping the next attraction. It was not necessary. Hurry up and you could catch the float parade at the amusement park.
2. I am wrong, she is right
She proposed to skip the next attraction so that she could see the complete float parade. There were characters in this float parade that I liked very much, and it was okay to come back to that attraction next time. She probably also hoped that I would not miss this character.
If you go to the next attraction, you may not be able to catch up with the entire float parade, and the online evaluation of this attraction is not high, so it is not a must-go.
3. We are all right and we are all wrong
Whether I want to go to the next scenic spot, or she wants to see the complete float parade, these are our wonderful expectations, and there is nothing wrong with them.
I didn't take into account the situation when I come back next time, and the low rating of the attractions; she didn't take into account that if I speed up my pace, I can still catch the float parade.
4. This question is not important
We travel to have fun and relax, not to quarrel. There is no need to quarrel over a scenic spot or a float parade, as long as we have a good time.
5. The above four points of view are all correct.
I should talk to my wife again so that we can relax and understand why she wants to see the full parade, and I will respect her choice.