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MindMap Gallery Love needs to be learned

Love needs to be learned

This is a mind map about love that needs to be learned. The main content includes: how to deal with infidelity and separation, how to deal with the relationship with the original family, how to deal with the challenges brought by children, how to create a space with your lover, how to communicate with your lover Communication, how to enter into an intimate relationship, intimacy.

Edited at 2024-11-06 11:37:23

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Love needs to be learned

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Outline

Love needs to be learned

intimacy

Intimacy is the most important thing in life. Throughout our lives, we are looking for a partner who loves and understands us

Once we find it, our hearts will settle down

If you can't find it, your heart will be confused

In an intimate relationship, your partner is the poison that hurts you and the medicine that heals you.

The management of intimate relationships is an extension of self-development and revolves around two cores

"Relationship" - what happens between you and me

"deal with"

Good couples will develop a good communication model, cooperate with each other, and find the "secret weapon" to resolve conflicts and increase emotional connection.

Bad couples seem to have only one way of dealing with problems - constantly blaming each other

Become an active learner and changer in your relationships

How to enter into an intimate relationship

Me, or us

It is a system connected by love that transcends individuals and has independent life.

Choosing "us" means placing your life on it, transcending yourself, and becoming part of a larger system

It can be a restriction, or it can be a kind of feedback and nourishment.

Intimacy will receive love and acceptance, will be seen and remembered

Achieve at least three aspects of self-expansion

grow a new self

Gain a new perspective on yourself

Gain a sense of belonging, be seen, and be remembered

Even if you leave this world one day, as long as you have been in a close relationship, someone will remember you and you will always exist in some form. This is the most important meaning of intimacy

The Dynamics of Intimacy: Love and Fear

Love: From me to us

Originating from human attachment instinct

Main characteristics of attachment

①A strong emotional bond

② Established through “seeing” and “responding” to each other

③The only one

Everyone is looking for a lover who understands and accepts them throughout their life, and they are constantly looking for evidence of this emotional connection, eager to get closeness and response from their lover.

Afraid: let us return to me

Fear is what drives people to protect themselves

Because of "fear", we cannot completely trust and rely on others. We would rather refuse to enter an intimate relationship and insist on being "me"

Fear of dominance in intimate relationships

Unstable intimacy type

Integration: the desire to feel like one with the other person

Active fusion manifests as control

Passive integration manifests as ingratiation and obedience

Isolation: the unconscious avoidance of dependence on others to avoid injury

False intimacy-avoiding emotional investment

People who "isolate" as a defense mechanism rarely respond emotionally and interact

Objectification: Gaining a sense of control over relationships by treating people as objects and possessiveness of objects as love

ambiguous

Intellectually, we know the path that intimacy should take, but the fear in our hearts coaxes us to go in the opposite direction.

Intimacy is a worthwhile adventure

Intimacy is difficult because it is not a cognitive problem but a habitual pattern of emotional responses

Three principles for moving toward a truly mature intimate relationship with fear:

Only by treating people as human beings, understanding and respecting them, can we truly see and get close to each other, and establish an equal and interpersonal relationship with each other.

understand

Understand that he has a desire for love and sorrow, as well as a fear of being hurt.

Understand that he will develop a specific style of getting along with his partner because of his own experiences

Understand that he has his own strengths, as well as his own blind spots and misunderstandings

Understand that he was not created to fulfill your needs and desires

admit

Acknowledge that he has his own independent needs and desires

Acknowledge his right to decide for himself whether to enter into an intimate relationship

Acknowledge his right to decide for himself how to relate to others

Acknowledge that he is your equal and that his desires and fears require your equal attention.

Seeing his "fear"

Ask yourself, what is his fear, where does it come from, do you have similar fears, how do you deal with his fears, do you have the ability to comfort him?

You need to face and accept the flaws and shortcomings of the other person and yourself, and you also need to let go of your idealized things and look at the real person in front of you.

Learn the ability to love in real relationships

After two people enter a relationship, they gradually develop their abilities through encountering and solving problems, and the relationship will gradually deepen in the process of solving problems.

The ability to transcend one’s own limitations through connection with others

Create new experiences

The most special thing about the experience of intimate relationships is that you have to learn to rely on others and entrust yourself to others

How to communicate with your loved one

Effective communication means being able to understand what the other person is saying and also being able to respond promptly to the relationship information conveyed behind these words.

Communication is everywhere

In a relationship, anything that happens can be interpreted at two levels: factual events and relationship events.

Relationship Pattern is the Personality of Intimacy

Relationship pattern is the most important characteristic of a couple

two elements

Consisting of a couple's mutual cooperation, how one expresses love and needs and how the other responds to such expressions

Cooperation patterns can easily become ongoing habits, and once formed, it can be difficult for those involved in them to change. In a long-term relationship, couples' interpretation of relationship information has almost become an automatic reflection. The advantage is that the information processing process is reduced. The disadvantage is that if one party tries to change, the other party will still use the original method to solve the problem, which is easy. Make the party who wants to change feel aggrieved and discouraged, thus hindering the change from happening

Too afraid of being hurt by the other person’s accusations

Whenever the other person speaks, we want to protect ourselves by defending ourselves or blaming back.

Characteristics of relationship patterns

positive

Positive symmetry, inspiring positive words and behaviors from each other

Effective complementation

negative

negative symmetry

Ineffective complementation

Break the ineffective cycle

① Don’t label the other person, change your view first, at least be able to see new possibilities from him

② Give up self-justification. Just like complaining, justification cannot bring about change.

③Start with me to change, change cooperation, break the cycle

④ Seeing small changes in the other person. Real change is often a process in which new behaviors and old behaviors coexist. I am used to staring at the other person’s old behavior and ignoring the other person’s new behavior, thinking that the change has not happened.

⑤Change the way you deal with things, change each other’s behavior, and change the couple’s interaction mode (key)

How to avoid negative communication patterns

Behind all anger is sadness. Go back to the source of attachment, see the sadness behind your own and the other person's anger, and tap into and respond to the needs behind the sadness.

When your partner accuses and complains, do not defend yourself, but think about and respond to the needs behind his accusations.

Try to express your needs and listen carefully to each other, so that you can get out of the vicious cycle of mutual blame and quarrels.

effective quarrel

Speak out your true needs, grievances and feelings instead of talking around trivial matters

Being able to listen and respond to each other's needs and grievances, rather than constantly defending oneself, two people talking to themselves

While arguing, repair over and over again

How to form positive relationship patterns

Reason: In the process of getting along with our partners, we often fall into endless quarrels and cold wars because we cannot feel the connection with each other.

Three ways to strengthen your emotional connection

① Tell the other person directly what you need. This is not easy because you need to admit that you are dependent on him and bear the risk of rejection.

②Share your own vulnerability. How close two people are depends on the extent to which they can share each other's vulnerability.

③See the other person’s vulnerability and accept it

How to create a space with your loved one

space of relationship

Refers to the degree of freedom and restraint felt by both parties in an intimate relationship.

Limitations on intimacy

Unable to balance “our” needs with “me” needs

Fighting over who is in charge

Emotions that cannot be expressed freely, grievances that cannot be expressed

Deal with differences and accept that “you are different from what I think.”

Correct understanding of differences

Almost all conflicts in intimate relationships stem from the differences between the two parties

Differences were once our attraction to each other and gave us hope to overcome our shortcomings and transcend ourselves.

Behind the rejection of differences is the stubbornness of people's unwillingness to change and their fear of being changed by the other party.

As a family runs, almost all couples eventually develop complementary relationships that require each spouse to play different roles. This role blends with the couple's original personalities and gradually becomes the differences between the couple.

Handle differences

Understand and accept differences

Look for consistency behind differences and creatively coordinate ways to deal with each other's differences. Neither will they completely give up their opinions, nor will they persist stubbornly and find a solution that both of them can accept.

Talk in a consultative manner

Negotiation is open, which means that the other party is allowed to explain his reasons and the other party is allowed to influence

Communication methods such as explanations, debates, accusations, and notifications are closed, that is, before giving reasons, you have made up your mind and will not let the other party affect you.

Accept each other and let go of the “what you should be” drama

What we want to change includes the other person's behavior, thoughts, status and even the person himself, which further squeezes the relationship space and leads to entanglement in the relationship between husband and wife.

The essence is our obsession with "what love should be like" and "what a partner should be like"

This obsession has been sending the message to the partner, "You are not my ideal partner." This kind of disapproval has become the source of conflicts between the partners.

If you don’t let go of your fantasy partner, it will be difficult to really get close to and understand the person in front of you.

make change happen

① Start by changing yourself, not to get a certain result, but to actively explore new possibilities for the relationship.

②See the other person’s efforts and be willing to pay for the other person

The criterion for judging changes for each other is willingness to pay, rather than care about fairness.

Paying without seeing or responding will become an unspeakable grievance. Accounting is more fair than giving.

③Let go of the victim role

In an intimate relationship, "being proactive" or other values have no natural legitimacy, nor are they superior to other value orientations, nor do they give you the right to change the other person.

It doesn’t matter whether a value orientation is good or not. The key is that you are willing and he is willing too.

Respect boundaries and escape the game of “control and resistance”

Respecting boundaries means respecting the other person’s right to say no when trying to get closer.

Common Boundary Violations Between Couples

①The other party’s inner activities

The reason why your partner wants to know your thoughts and needs is that you only need to respond to the needs behind you, without telling him your specific thoughts.

②The other person’s emotional history

Honesty is not the most important thing in a relationship. Knowing how to protect each other's relationship is more valuable than honesty. The boundaries you guard not only protect yourself, but also your relationship.

③The other person’s family of origin

It is common to belittle the other person by belittling the other person's family of origin. Loyalty to one’s family of origin is everyone’s instinct.

④The other person’s feelings

Respect the other person's feelings and use actions to change his feelings instead of denying them. Emotions and feelings are your own, and you have the right to feel whatever you want without feeling guilty or blaming yourself for it.

Protect the boundaries between husband and wife

①Say no at the right time

②Acknowledge your feelings

③ Tell your partner your boundaries directly

④ Decide how much you want to be influenced by your partner

Avoid falling into a game of control and resistance

The first perspective is from a relationship perspective, considering how doing things will enhance/hurt each other’s feelings.

The principle of judgment is whether to accept your good intentions

The second angle is whether doing this is really helpful in solving the problem.

If it doesn’t help, you shouldn’t do it no matter how reasonable it is.

Once you feel controlled, it's easy to do rebellious things, like a child who resists parental discipline.

Avoid control and solve problems

① When the desire to control the other person arises in your heart, try to understand the need behind this control, and try to express this need directly

② Gamify the relationship between control and resistance

Changes in location lead to changes in actions

When we want to control the other party, we will put ourselves in a relatively strong position, put the other party in a weak position, and then ask the other party what to do. When we express our needs, the roles and positions will be reversed, and we will become Becoming the relatively weak party, demands turned into requests

The relationship between two people comes first

How to deal with challenges posed by children

Children's reshaping of family structure

①The birth of a child will change the family center

② Children become a new issue in the struggle for parental rights

③ Couples who have conflicts get emotional comfort from their children

triangulation of family roles

The biggest problem with triangulation

It is the party being triangulated that will turn the conflicts and entanglements of the other two parties into their own inner conflicts and entanglements, trapping them and being unable to escape.

Parents triangulate their children

① Use children as a means to suppress the other party

②Using children as a means to win over the other party

③ Cross-generational alliance, the child and one of the parents (usually the mother) form an emotional alliance

The child strives to maintain his parents' relationship and marriage, even at the expense of his own development and turns himself into a patient

Reconstruction of family relationships

① Redefine the boundaries between husband and wife and children. The husband and wife can unite the front, discuss together, make decisions together, and have a relatively unified attitude.

Not interfering when your partner is educating the children is actually a signal to the children that father and mother are together.

② Unify the roles and positions between husband and wife

To change roles and positions, we can ask ourselves a few questions: Where am I now when I say and do these? Should you stand with your partner or with your children? If I’m not standing with my partner, what’s holding me back? If I were to stand with my partner, what could I say and do to support him?

③Create a common space for couples

This includes reserving dedicated couple time, strengthening shared memories, and expressing appreciation and recognition to each other.

There are thousands of forms of love language, but the essence is one sentence, you are the most important person to me, I love you, cherish you, and want to be with you.

How to deal with the relationship with the family of origin

Three types of relationships in the family of origin that affect the relationship between husband and wife

Construct a position and role similar to that of the original family, and feel a familiarity and intimacy that transcends likes and dislikes

Inheriting the way our parents view our partners and turning their prejudices into our own

Shapes our confidence and attitude towards intimate relationships

Beyond the influence of the family of origin, create new experiences for both of you in the interaction with your partner

①Change our relationship with our parents

② Distinguish between partners and parents

③Accept your partner’s influence on you

Dealing with the relationship with one’s family of origin

There is a special thread in the development of a family: the transfer of loyalties.

We slowly evolve from being loyal to our parents, to being loyal to our own hearts, to being loyal to our spouses and children

Parents must accept their children’s betrayal

It is not a problem for adult children to leave home and start their own small families

The problem is when children are so loyal to their parents that they cannot leave home.

Couples should avoid becoming representatives of their respective families of origin

Dealing with relationships with your partner’s family of origin

A reasonable structure should be for husband and wife to stand together and have appropriate boundaries with their respective families of origin.

three suggestions

① Treat your partner’s family of origin as important customers, and try to get along with them in the spirit of protecting important customers.

② Protect your partner, put your partner before your family, keep distance from your family of origin, and stand with your partner

③Return to the relationship between husband and wife to solve the problem

How to deal with infidelity and separation

Cheating

The essence of cheating is that the person closest to you betrays you

The core is not the finding of facts, but the collapse of trust caused by feeling betrayed.

What needs to be dealt with is also the rebuilding of trust after betrayal.

Infidelity is the result of a confluence of factors

Infidelity is the result of a combination of relationships, individuals and situations. Behind it is a person's most fundamental desires and needs, as well as the most complex and contradictory inner conflicts.

It is not a sign of distinguishing between good and bad relationships between partners.

The difference between a good relationship and a bad one is whether two people can recover from such a serious emotional crisis and rebuild trust in each other.

Restoration of relationship

Prerequisites for repairing relationships

① The cheating party immediately cuts off contact with the cheating partner and is willing to return to the family

②The cheated party accepts the reality and is willing to rebuild the relationship

Getting back together requires determination from two people and careful emotional handling.

rebuild relationship

① Only by cheating can you see the harm, grievance and pain to your partner, and go through the process of facing the harm head-on. Otherwise, the unseen harm will turn into future grievances and complaints, making it difficult for both people to let go.

② The cheating party takes the initiative to repair the relationship, bravely admits his fault, and sincerely makes amends with actions

③Repairing the relationship requires a process, so that the cheated party can feel the cheating party’s intentions and sincerity, so that the two people can get back together again.

④The person being cheated on sets reaction limits for himself.

First, make clear demands on your partner

Second, abstract the derailment incident and do not ask for details.

Third, don’t take advantage of your victim status and use cheating as a weight to enhance your voice.

Coping with separation

Three psychological stages after separation: anger → sadness or loss → acceptance and letting go

Be a qualified predecessor

"No relationship" with the ex, three stages: sensitive period → unfamiliar period → new relationship

Reduce the harm of separation to children

The biggest secret is for couples to live their own lives after divorce

Children can be better able to be themselves if they can receive emotional support from their father or mother without having to bear the emotional burden of their caregivers.