What you say will change your life

When talking to others, try to avoid judgment, accusations and violent words

The prototype of the God of War exists in everyone's subconscious mind, and is an innate evil that people are born with.

The sense of hostility penetrates into our "ego". The ego is just a fantasy, created by humans for survival and selfishness.

Listen to the feelings and needs contained behind every sentence.

Describe your own observations without making any evaluations

Express your feelings without emotion

Explain your needs, not accountability

Make your own request, not an order

Moral judgment (different from values), judgment: accusation, insult, labeling, criticism, comparison, analysis

When the behavior of others does not match our values, we think that the person is wrong or evil

We are all focused on analyzing and pursuing what problems we have with ourselves or others, but we have never thought about what needs are not met.

When analyzing and judging, they express their own values ​​and needs. They are tragic and can easily cause the other party's defense and resistance.

Comparison, shirk responsibility (must), reward and punishment thinking

Distinguish between requests and requirements. Requesting to contain explicit or implicit accusations or punishments of those who do not cooperate with us

"I readily accept you told me what I did or didn't do, and readily accept your comments, but please don't confuse the two."

"Think about whether he is really a lazy man, or is his behavior labeled as a "lazy man" by us"

Observation is mixed with comments, and people are not easily heard of what we want to express, but they will hear criticism and even develop a stubborn mentality.

Indian Philosopher: Observation without comment is the highest form of human intelligence

Distinguish between observations and comments. Note: always, always, always, every time, often, rarely and other words.

When describing observations, clearly state specific time and situation

Distinguish between feelings and thoughts. Ideas vocabulary: I feel, feel, be (not being)…

Establish feelings vocabulary: Be very... in your heart, use specific rather than vague and general emotional vocabulary: Happy, happy, touched, excited or sad, disappointed, boring, worried

Be responsible for your feelings. I feel..., because... Tell me directly about your feelings and related needs, the more likely you are to be responded with kindness

"The reason why people are distressed is not because of the event itself, but because of people's perception of the event."

Emotional growth: Slave of emotions → Abominable face → Master of emotions

Understand what other people feel and need under negative language

Use positive, specific language. Be alert to negative language resistance. Tell the other party clearly, Avoid fuzzy abstract and ambiguous language, asking them to do something instead of not doing

Make clear requests consciously, rather than expressing feelings

Distinguish between requests and requirements. If you are mistaken for compulsive, it will be difficult to get a friendly response

Similarly, to understand others' experiences with respect, first,

First, completely remove preconceived preconceptions and judgments about others: Beware that I think you should...

Listen to other people’s feelings and needs. "Are you unhappy because you need to...?"

Retell the other person's words. Confirm whether you hear the other person's meaning clearly and let the other person think about it Get confirmation from retelling her feelings and needs

Perceive the inner state of others (feelings and needs), and invite others to correct the areas where we do not understand them well

Continue to empathize with others. When people experience the inner world being fully understood, they will feel relaxed and have a sense of belonging

You also need to get the same thing in order to better treat others ① Pause and take a deep breath and stab yourself② Non-violent shout③ Leave the scene

People are unwilling to show their inner fragility because they want to appear strong and are afraid of losing their sense of authority and control.

"Have to" transform into "I choose" and change your mindset to do things

Cultivate awareness and understand the motivations behind behavior. It is for the benefit, the recognition of others, evading punishment and responsibility, etc.

Distinguish between stimulus and causes. First of all, it is determined by your own opinion that you do not blame others for your anger.

Behind all anger there is an unmet need. "I'm angry because I need..."

4 steps to express anger: ① Interrupt, take a deep breath ② See what judging thinking ③Connect with our needs ④Express our feelings and unmet needs