Marriage Difficulties: Why Are Marriages Sometimes Difficult to Stay? Why do some couples stay together for a lifetime? Couples avoid married life like a bomb? How to prevent marital crisis? How to save a marriage that is already in crisis?

7 rules for a happy marriage, which not only predict divorce, but also prevent it

Based on knowing what makes a marriage successful

Marriage emotional intelligence

Reasons for marriage breakdown

Benefits of a happy marriage

When a marriage is in crisis, it is not only the husband and wife who suffer, but also the children.

To gain a deeper understanding of how to stay married, we need to abandon some long-held beliefs about marriage and divorce.

The most common method for resolving marital conflict is active listening, and most marital therapists use nothing more than a variation of this method.

Many conflict resolution-based marital therapies have high relapse rates.

In the long run, current marital therapy will not benefit most couples.

Active listening has always required both parties to complete difficult interactions.

Even happy couples can have significant conflicts, and arguments don't necessarily harm a marriage.

Neurosis or personality problems can destroy marriages - False

Common interests and hobbies can bring couples closer - Wrong

Husbands and wives should show kindness to each other - Wrong

Avoiding conflict can destroy your marriage – False

Affairs are the root cause of divorce - False

Biologically speaking, men are not designed for marriage - Wrong

Men and women are fundamentally different - False

Many marriage myths are not only false, but they are also potentially damaging to marriages. They can lead couples astray and even lead them to believe that their marriages are hopeless. These marriage myths imply one thing: marriage is extremely complicated and solemn, and most people cannot handle it well. To make a marriage last, it requires courage, determination and flexibility.

When couples argue, getting them better at handling their differences may reduce their stress levels, but it won't return them to a good marriage.

Happy marriages also have conflicts, but they know how to resolve them skillfully and keep their marriages happy and stable.

7 rules for a happy marriage

The Core of the 7 Laws: A happy marriage is built on deep friendship

Both parties respect and enjoy each other's company, understand each other, and are familiar with each other's likes and dislikes, personalities, quirks, hopes, and dreams. Both parties have a deep respect for each other, expressing their affection for each other not only in big things, but also in small actions on a daily basis.

Spousal friendship makes romance more intense because it provides the best protection from antagonism toward each other.

Positive emotions dominate

The nature of marital friendship

As a couple's understanding and emotional connection between them grows, they build what is known as the house of a healthy relationship. The 7 Laws are components of the House of Healthy Relationships and are closely related to trust and commitment, protecting marriages.

Being stuck in a negative emotional state prevents them from building a mutually supportive relationship. They think poorly of each other. Such couples are filled with endless conflict and bad emotions that are difficult to escape. They think the other person is inherently selfish. And have thoughts such as "He doesn't care about my feelings" and "She only cares about her own things." Both parties become more and more convinced that the other party is not on their side, and the relationship between the two parties becomes a zero-sum game. In this persistent state of distrust, the sense of security of both parties will disappear, and the house of health will collapse.

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The two examples cited are the two extremes of good and bad. Most of them are in between. You don’t have to be perfect and conflicts will still exist. The key is to learn to pay better attention to each other and put their friendship into perspective. Put it first.

A couple's rediscovery or rekindling of a friendship won't stop arguments, but it can ensure that they don't get out of hand.

Relationship repair attempts: Any words or actions, silly or not, that prevent negative emotions from spiraling out of control. Relationship repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples, even if they don’t realize it

The success of attempts at relationship repair is one of the major factors that determine the success or failure of a marriage. The factor that determines the success of attempts at relationship repair is the strength of the couple's friendship.

Making mistakes is not terrible, what matters is whether the attempt to repair the relationship is successful.

Strong couples share a deep sense of meaning

Most arguments are not about the small things in life, but underlying conflicts that are much more serious and emotionally hurtful.

Most conflicts in a marriage are never resolved. Some couples try to change each other's minds, but this is impossible. Most disagreements stem from fundamental differences in lifestyle, personality, or values. Arguing over these differences is a waste of time and can destroy a marriage.

Couples can build shared meaning and purpose in their marriage by understanding the underlying differences that lead to conflict and coexisting with conflict by respecting each other.

Anger between couples does not in itself predict whether a marriage will break up; it has to do with the way they argue - easily slipping into negativity and distrust.

Start the conversation with criticism or sarcasm (which is also a form of contempt).

Couples who open a conversation with a harsh statement will inevitably end it on a negative note.

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contempt

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It always starts with harsh opening remarks, and the words of both sides are mixed with criticism and contempt, leading to mutual defense, so it is more likely to cause a vicious cycle, and then the Cold War begins.

cold war

Often, people resort to cold war to protect themselves physically and mentally from being overwhelmed, and you end up with emotional drowning.

When the other person's negative emotions are too strong and appear suddenly, you will be emotionally overwhelmed and feel vulnerable to it.

You try to do other things to avoid it happening again.

The stronger the feeling of emotional overwhelm, the more alert you are to the other person's signs of a second outburst.

Heartbeat

Increased adrenaline (hormone)

Increased blood pressure

This change often occurs during discussions, and it is easy to predict that the parties will divorce in the future

Recurrent emotions lead to divorce

In 85% of marriages, the husband is the cold warrior

This gender difference in physiological responses can also affect how husbands and wives think when they feel marital stress.

when overwhelmed by emotions

A similar pattern of conflict exists in most marriages, including healthy and happy ones: Wives are naturally better equipped to handle stress and raise sensitive issues, while husbands have difficulty handling issues and try to avoid involving themselves in them. The existence of this pattern does not mean that divorce is doomed in the future. In healthy marriages, you will also find the four horsemen of the doomsday, and even occasionally find emotional drowning. But let it go. When either partner feels emotionally overwhelmed on a regular basis, your relationship is in trouble. Feeling constantly overwhelmed emotionally can cause both parties to distance themselves from each other, which can lead to each feeling lonely.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and Emotional Overwhelm It takes a while to destroy a marriage.

Relationship repair attempts are a joint effort between the couple.

Even the clearest, most responsive, and most targeted attempts at relationship repair may fail when both parties are consistently confronted by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

The success of the relationship repair attempt has nothing to do with the couple's persuasiveness and everything to do with their marital status (the quality of the couple's friendship).

How to deal with failed attempts at relationship repair?

When both parties are surrounded by negative emotions, it is not only dangerous to their current and future lives, but also rewrites their understanding of the past.

Most couples enter marriage with high expectations

The negative emotions between husband and wife are too strong. When the Four Horsemen of the Doomsday run rampant, destroy communication between husband and wife, and lead to the development of negative emotions, both parties will re-examine everything they do or have done with each other from a negative perspective. .

Both sides rewrite the past

Body and mind cannot communicate

Unable to resolve current conflict

The marriage is almost certain to break up

final stage of married life

Marriage Alerts and Signals

Saving a marriage is not just about how you handle disagreements, but how you get along when there are no disagreements.

Among the 7 laws, the first 3 are the core of a happy marriage - strengthening friendship and trust.

It is vital to strengthen the friendship between couples. Friendship is the foundation of romance, passion and good sex, which is what everyone expects from marriage. Friendship is a fundamental building block of positive emotions and can greatly increase the likelihood of successful repair attempts and resolving marital tensions.

Love Map: The area of ​​the brain where all life-related information about your partner is stored

Couples with high emotional intelligence leave enough cognitive space in their marriages. They remember important events in each other's lives, and they update information when events or feelings change in their partner's world.

A couple's understanding of each other not only creates love, but also the strength to withstand marital storms.

For couples without a detailed love map, any big change can create discord or divorce. The more familiar and understanding each other is in life, the easier it is to stay connected.

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No gift can compare to the joy a couple feels when they know each other, and getting to know each other shouldn't be a chore.

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If a couple's system of affection and praise is still functioning, their marriage can be saved.

Love and praise are two crucial factors in maintaining a worthwhile, long-lasting love life.

The best way to test whether a couple's system of affection and praise is still functioning is to observe how they view the past. 94% of the time, couples who rated their marriage's past and their partner's personality positively were likely to have a happy future. When both parties distort memories of past happiness, it's a sign that their marriage needs saving.

When trouble strikes, an inherently positive view of your partner and your marriage acts as a powerful buffer, protecting your marriage from too much damage.

Affection and praise are the antidote to contempt and can protect couples from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

The key to reactivating your affection and praise system is to get into the habit of identifying qualities and behaviors that you admire in your partner and telling them about them, while expressing gratitude. Couples in unhappy marriages are too accustomed to focusing on each other's mistakes and ignoring some of each other's positive behaviors.

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The first task in rebuilding the system of love and praise is to realize the importance of this system

Recollection and discussion can recreate or enhance praise and affection systems

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Cherishing is the basis of the system of affection and praise.

Cherishing allows you to see more of the other person's positive qualities and ignore more of the negative qualities; actively focusing on the other person's strengths allows you to learn to appreciate what you have now rather than resenting what you don't get.

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A brief exchange between a couple shows that they are building a connection, that they are moving toward each other, and that a couple who does this shows that they trust each other.

Every time you let your partner know that they are valued, the romantic feeling will always be there.

Turning to each other is the basis for couples to trust each other, build emotional connection, and create passion.

Whether in a happy or unhappy marriage, most arguments stem not from specific topics but from failed attempts at communication. The reason why these seemingly small incidents are crucial to a couple's relationship is because every time they respond to each other , they are all depositing money into their own "emotional bank". They are accumulating emotions, acting as a buffer when encountering major life pressures or conflicts, and are less likely to fall into doubts and long-term negative states during difficult times in marriage.

Recognizing that small, everyday moments are crucial to a marriage's trust level and ongoing sense of romance is the first step to turning toward each other.

Turning toward each other is very easy to achieve, and a small gesture can trigger a positive response, which in turn triggers another response.

Romance Test (Test 1) P95

Ignore the other person's attempts to communicate out of anger or other negative emotions.

Distracted by the Internet

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Some couples feel very uncomfortable hearing their partner express negative emotions, even if their partner is not complaining about them. It's an escape. Being available unconditionally when your partner is grieving can have huge benefits for the relationship.

This tendency to avoid negative emotions stems from childhood. Negativity is frowned upon in the family, causing them to slowly isolate themselves emotionally. This way they become problem solvers. But to achieve true intimacy, you need to be there for your partner, see the world from their perspective, and empathize with their negative emotions.

suggestion

Other Tips for "Listening" to Your Partner's Grief and Crying

Other tips for “listening” to your partner’s anger

Other tips for “listening” to your partner’s fears and stress

Pay attention to certain moments and notice them

If you feel like your partner is snubbing you in small ways, or that their understanding of intimacy is suffocating you, the best thing you can do is talk about your feelings.

Exercise 3

A strong friendship between a couple can serve as a natural barrier against conflict. It may not prevent every quarrel in advance, but it can reduce the damage caused by differences of opinion to the relationship.

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Men who accept their wives' influence have happier marriages

The success or failure of a marriage depends on the couple. Therefore, we cannot put all the blame on men. The wife should respect her husband. The vast majority of wives, including those with unstable marriages, do this. This does not mean that they will not be angry or even contemptuous of their husbands, but it simply means that by letting their husbands contribute to their opinions and feelings, they allow their husbands to influence their decisions, but their husbands often fail to reciprocate.

It is not stated that a man should relinquish all personal power in order to allow his wife to rule over him.

Compared

All life-related arguments in the world are in harmony with the concept of loving and respecting your partner. This is the connotation of accepting the influence of your partner.

Accepting your partner's influence doesn't mean never expressing negative emotions to your partner.

A husband's acceptance of his wife's influence will strengthen his friendship with his wife.

Women are more likely than men to talk about and understand other people's feelings.

Wives usually have higher emotional intelligence than their husbands. Women have a big head start in emotional and interpersonal skills.

Compared

They get to know their wife's world, their children and their friends.

They may not express emotions in the same way as their wives, but they will learn how to communicate better with their wives emotionally.

Having high emotional intelligence does not mean that they are better than other men in terms of education or moral character. They just understand the issues that are very important to marriage-how to respect their wives and how to show respect to their wives.

What husbands with high emotional intelligence do is not only good for the marriage, but the children also benefit a lot. They are familiar with their children's lives and know who their children have friends and what they are afraid of.

They can face their own emotions and teach their children to respect their own feelings and themselves.

Compared

In your daily life, strive to practice the first three rules.

When conflict arises, the key is to be willing to compromise, and to do this, find things in your partner's requests that you agree with.

After hard work, there are still problems that cannot be solved. In this case, you can refer to Rule 6 - Dealing with Deadlocks.

By finding the core contradiction and the fundamental problem, recognizing this difference and being able to solve it together, we can change the relationship.

Accepting influence is an attitude and a skill

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Marriage is a marriage of perspectives, personalities, quirks, and values, and there is plenty of conflict among happily married couples.

Conflict classification

The vast majority of conflicts are eternal conflicts (69%)

A happy marriage: Both parties recognize that these conflicts are an inevitable part of life, but there are ways to avoid exacerbating them and strategies to deal with them.

Unhappy marriage: Both parties fail to effectively resolve conflicts, leading to a vicious cycle

The success of your marriage depends on how much conflict you choose to deal with. Avoiding conflict over timeless conflicts can lead to emotional alienation and a decline in mutual trust and relationships.

Conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner

You keep talking about it and making no progress

You become stubborn and unwilling to give in

Both of you lack a sense of humor or emotion when discussing an issue

As time goes by, you become more and more stubborn and denigrate each other during conversations.

This kind of slander will make you more stubborn and extreme, your views will become more and more extreme, and you will become less and less willing to compromise.

Eventually you become emotionally distant from each other

Endless arguments indicate deep differences between you that need to be resolved before the conflict can be resolved

Just because it's painful for both parties and can be resolved doesn't mean it's resolved.

Solution

Resolvable conflicts are less intractable and less emotionally painful.

To understand what the dispute really means to both parties, only by clarifying the contradiction behind the conflict can we deal with it effectively.

If unresolved, the conflict may develop into a permanent stalemate.

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Targeted and specific solution techniques in subsequent chapters

Overall recommendations

Husbands and wives should respect each other and accept each other's opinions. This is a good basis for resolving differences.

The similarity between happy and unhappy marriages is that wives are more likely than husbands to ask difficult questions and try to solve problems, while husbands are more likely to distance themselves from problems. Husbands are more likely to be overwhelmed by their emotions because they are more sensitive to emotional stress than their wives, so they tend to avoid conflict.

There is a big difference in the way wives raise issues in the two marriages.

Taking responsibility for the problem is a very important part of a gentle opening.

The best gentle opening lines include

An effective gentle opening doesn't have to be tactful, but it does have to be devoid of criticism or contempt.

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You must let the other person feel that you understand the other person's feelings, respect the other person, love the other person, and are willing to accept the other person's influence.

Tips for making sure you start your discussion with a gentle opening

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Relationship Repair Attempt: When an argument with your partner gets off to a bad start, or when you find yourselves in the middle of a never-ending stream of accusations, knowing how to put the brakes on can prevent a disaster.

Couples with high emotional intelligence and stable marriages are those who understand each other's attempts to repair their relationship.

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The key to whether attempts at relationship repair are effective depends on the state of the marriage.

Focus on putting the brakes on and training yourself to recognize messages from your partner that are attempts at relationship repair.

Pay attention to the real message conveyed by the content of what the other person is saying, not the tone of voice.

Words that can reduce your partner’s tension

When your partner says he's trying to repair the relationship, your job is just to accept it. Sometimes a break can make things better, and trying to be emotionally receptive to well-intentioned attempts at relationship repair can strengthen your ability to accept your partner's influence.

In an unstable marriage, discussions about conflict can trigger emotional overwhelm. When this happens, both parties experience a sense of failure, both emotionally and physically.

Often, they will feel outraged or that they are an innocent victim, and their physical reactions will be intense.

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The only way to resolve marital conflict is for couples to compromise with each other.

Even though you both may have tried hard to come to terms with certain conflicts, you ultimately failed because you didn't compromise in the right way.

Compromise is more than just a change, it’s about negotiation and finding ways to accommodate each other. In order to reach a compromise, you need to accept your partner's flaws and shortcomings without ruthlessly changing your partner.

Too often many marriages get bogged down in what-ifs, which are different from cherishing. Cherishing fosters gratitude for what one has, while assuming leads to resentment for what one does not have. As long as this hypothetical attitude persists between couples, it will be difficult to resolve the conflict.

Before resolving a conflict, the basis for compromise is acceptance of your partner's influence. To reach a compromise, you can't be closed-minded to your partner's opinions and wishes. You don't have to agree with everything your partner says or believes, but you do have to be open to considering their perspective.

No matter who you are, if you are not able to accept your partner's influence, it will undoubtedly be an obstacle to resolving conflicts.

Your partner can help you see things from a different perspective, but be aware of the objective and reasonable parts of your partner's perspective.

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Even if you resolve the conflict that sparked the argument, your arguments can still cause you harm. If emotional trauma is not healed, it often becomes a persistent irritant, and some people will think about these things over and over again. Over time, the emotional alienation will become more and more serious.

If this happens when you have different opinions or are hurting each other, the culprit is not what you are arguing about, but how you are arguing.

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Only when both partners are comfortable with each other's differences will tensions be relieved.

Mission: Stay connected and close to each other, even when there are online distractions.

solution:

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Mission: Make your marriage harmonious and beautiful.

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Task: Create a sense of “we” or unity among couples.

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Mission: To balance freedom and fiscal decentralization, to represent and symbolize security and trust.

The most important thing is for both spouses to work together as a team on financial matters, and that you have the desire to express your concerns, needs, and imaginations to each other before proposing a plan. Make sure that the budget is not achieved at the expense of either partner, otherwise it will only build up resentment and both spouses must insist that certain issues are non-negotiable.

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Mission: Create a sense of fairness and collaborative work

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Mission: Expand the awareness of "us" to children.

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Task: Appreciate and accept each other in sexual relationships.

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Couples can get into an impasse over major issues as well as over trivial ones. These conflicts often reflect fundamental differences in personality or lifestyle preferences between the parties.

Characteristics of deadlocked disputes

The key to preventing gridlock is to notice those small moments when both parties ignore each other's needs.

The parties do not have to resolve the conflict to get out of the impasse, neither party has to compromise, the goal is for both parties to acknowledge and discuss the conflict without hurting each other.

To break the impasse, both parties must first understand that the impasse is simply a signal that each has dreams for life that the other does not know, acknowledge, or respect. Dreams refer to the inner hopes, desires and desires, which are part of an individual's body and which give purpose and meaning to life.

These dreams come in different dimensions, some very practical and some more profound. Deeper dreams will become increasingly hidden, while general dreams will be easier to see.

The deepest dreams have to do with childhood.

All of these dreams are wonderful, and none of them are harmful to a marriage in the first place, but if they are not known and respected, they can lead to conflict. When this happens, both sides either "fire" on these conflicts or cover them up or represent them in symbolic form.

Why do some couples handle these conflicts gracefully while others struggle? Mainly, the former understands that one of the goals of marriage is to help each other realize their dreams.

In a happy marriage, both parties will integrate each other's goals into their own understanding of marriage. These goals are sometimes very specific and sometimes elusive.

When both sides do not fully appreciate the importance of supporting each other's dreams, deadlock is inevitable.

The central dream leading to the conflict is not so obvious. Only by reminding the dream can both parties get out of the deadlock.

The key to breaking the impasse is for both sides to have a candid discussion about why their positions are important, and in particular, to be open and honest about the history behind the position and what it means to each of them.

This deep conflict is unlikely to be resolved in one fell swoop, but take the first step. To turn to each other and respect and acknowledge each other’s dreams. for subsequent changes. Will this conflict disappear or be resolved in the relationship? Maybe not, but you have begun to learn to continue living in a peaceful way.

If you are at an impasse with your partner over any conflict in your marriage, no matter how big or small, find out what hidden dreams lie behind the conflict. If you see your partner as a source of conflict, it means you are struggling with a hidden dream. Because the dream is increasingly hidden from you, you are unaware of your role in creating conflict.

Uncovering hidden dreams is a challenge.

Often, deep personal dreams are left unexpressed or hidden because it is believed that they must be hidden in order for the relationship to normalize. It’s common for both parties to feel that they don’t deserve to achieve their dreams. But this does not stop both parties from dreaming. In a relationship, if both parties do not respect each other's dreams, conflict is almost inevitable. In other words, when you bury a dream, it reappears in disguise and disguises itself as a stalemate.

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Breaking the ice in a marriage takes time, and the problems between you may have worsened when you first met and acknowledged your dreams. Be patient with this. Acknowledging and pursuing your dreams is not easy. The nature of a stalemate means that your dreams may be opposing, so you both stick to your guns, afraid of being influenced by the other, and not giving in to the other.

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Completing the above 4 steps can break the deadlock in eternal conflict, but be patient in the process. These conflicts are stubborn, and it takes commitment and confidence to break free of their grip on your marriage. You will recognize that you are making progress when these conflicts are no longer burdensome: you are able to maintain a sense of humor when discussing them, and they no longer stand out as much and no longer interfere with the love and joy in your relationship.

A deep sense of shared meaning in marriage: Marriage is more than just raising children, sharing daily routines, and making love. It is also about creating a shared inner life on a spiritual level—a culture rich in symbolism and ritual, in which both partners appreciate their role in marriage. roles and goals in life, and understand what it means to be part of a family.

Even if both parties cannot always share their dreams, they must find ways to respect each other's dreams. The culture that the husband and wife develop together contains their own dreams. This culture is flexible and will grow and grow together as both parties grow. Change with development.

When couples have this sense of shared meaning, conflicts are less intense and perpetual conflict is less likely to lead to deadlock. Moreover, it is possible to maintain a stable marriage even if the spouses do not share the deep meaning of life together, and to still have a marriage that works even if their respective dreams are out of sync.

This chapter only explores how both sides can circumvent those eternal conflicts and make peace with them, rather than ending in a stalemate. Accept that couples may disagree with some of each other's dreams, but they can respect them.

A valuable marriage cannot be sustained by avoiding conflict alone. The more a couple can agree on the basic aspects of life, the richer, more meaningful and, in some ways, easier it will be to maintain a marriage.

An important goal of marriage: to create an atmosphere that encourages both spouses to talk openly about their dreams. The more open and respectful both parties are to each other, the more likely it is that their respective senses of meaning will merge.

The more shared meaning both parties find, the deeper, richer, and more valuable the relationship becomes. By following this approach, both parties can also strengthen their friendship with each other, which in turn will make it easier for both parties to handle any conflicts that arise.

1. bonding ceremony

2. Support for each other’s roles

3. common goal

4. shared values ​​and beliefs

Adjusting according to the 7 laws can have a huge positive impact on your marriage, provided you make changes and can make the changes last.

Practice the 7 Laws 6 hours a week.

Couples who refuse to put up with a lot of negativity report higher levels of happiness and satisfaction in their marriages.

Every marriage should have an early warning system in place to let both spouses know when the quality of the marriage is at risk.

When marital issues are still small, couples discuss them with each other.

List of Weekly Discussion Questions P280

There is no such thing as helpful criticism. Unlike complaints, all criticism hurts. Complaints are specific demands for change; criticism will not make a marriage better and will inevitably make it worse.

Reasons for habitually criticizing others

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