But using their lenses

Understanding their needs and aspirations

Can explain a range of relationship dynamic

"Best predictor of happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style" Levine, Amir; Heller, Rachel. Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love

The story you tell/told yourself

Your fears

Your micro-trauma

The fantom-ex

Anxious vs Avoidant

Seeing a counselor can accelerate this self discovery process (if you haven't already)

Make sure you find pleasure in what you do

Remind yourself of what you will earn

a change in your outcomes (i.e. what you get or what you achieve) a change in your processes (i.e. what you do) or a change in your identity (i.e. what you believe)

Example: Core Beleif "I am not good with men" Activating event: difficutl teenage years in college (bullying) Thoughts: If I was bullied, it must be because I am useless Emotion: I feel rejected, not good enough Behavior: I enter in relationship with trust issues that makes me more clingy

Broke Framework you could use

1. For a full day, listen to your language and to the language of the people around you. How often do you use and hear reactive phrases such as “If only,” “I can’t,” or “I have to”? 2. Identify an experience you might encounter in the near future where, based on past experience, you would probably behave reactively. Review the situation in the context of your Circle of Influence. How could you respond proactively? Take several moments and create the experience vividly in your mind, picturing yourself responding in a proactive manner. Remind yourself of the gap between stimulus and response. Make a commitment to yourself to exercise your freedom to choose. 3.Select a problem from your work or personal life that is frustrating to you. Determine whether it is a direct, indirect, or no control problem. Identify the first step you can take in your Circle of Influence to solve it and then take that step. 4. Try the thirty-day test of proactivity. Be aware of the change in your Circle of Influence.

Excalating shouting represents 40% of divorce... So 60% of divorce end up with a whimper (not in a bang)

Complaining is when I say you did not take the trash out. Criticism is when I say you did not take the trash out because you’re a horrible person. The first is about an event, the second is about your fundamental personality. We can fix events.

“you or your concerns are not important enough for me to deal with.” It doesn’t reduce conflict: in most cases it dials it up.

Defensiveness as anything that conveys, “No, the problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Yes, eye-rolling is one of the worst things you can do in a marriag. (and that’s backed by data)