How to deal with sudden verbal violence?

First of all, you need to comfort yourself who has been hit hard.

There is always a way to deal with the "self" part.

"Anger is a normal reaction." You must first accept your own emotions.

Playing the role of your own friend and comforting yourself with gentle words can also quickly improve your mood.

Even if the other person is right, you should comfort yourself.

Once you are entangled in "attitude" issues, it is equivalent to joining the "tug-of-war game of who is right and who is wrong", and you are likely to suffer unnecessary harm. Because everyone is "right", your state at a certain moment may be viewed by others as "poor attitude"

The emotion of "anger" indicates that "you are in trouble", and "unruly customers" and "parents who make unreasonable demands on the school" are precisely "people in trouble".

An effective way to resolve this situation is to adopt a "listen to the other person's troubles" posture

When facing "emotional people", be sure not to worry about "who is right and who is wrong."

“Tell me about your problem” is a proven response.

Listening well is the most effective way to respond.

When we get “emotional,” we completely lose sight of our own resilience. The reason why we emphasize "we are so right" is because we long for the approval of those around us.

The process of how we deal with "emotional" problems is also the process of understanding our own emotions and understanding our own tenacity.

When we are at a loss, we need to rediscover our footing - "our tough yet gentle nature."

Think carefully before expressing or suppressing your emotions. Not only emotions are “true temperament”

Reminding people around you that "you are extra sensitive right now" is also an effective method.

When the control of thinking decreases, you need to notice it.

At this time, we must learn to change our perspective and regard this problem as a problem in the other party's "field".

Specifically, don’t focus your thoughts on yourself

Putting the problem in the other party's "domain" that has nothing to do with you can help get rid of the "victim mentality".

Avoid falling into the “victim mentality” of “why it’s always me”.

Increasing your level of self-affirmation is a key to “avoiding the ‘emotional’ habit.”

Develop the habit of looking at problems from the perspective of "I", then you can effectively avoid "emotional excitement".

But for "initial emotions", it will be better to start from "I" and truly regard it as a problem in one's own "field".

You can create a note template with "I" as the subject.

Once you develop the habit of looking at things from the "me" perspective, you can easily differentiate between "hurt" and "victim mentality"

In this way, you will find that "why is it always me" is completely false. It is just a feeling when people are shocked.

Looking at problems from the perspective of "I" means that we must be responsible for our own "field" at all times in life. This will not only establish mature interpersonal relationships, but also prevent yourself from falling deeper into the "victim mentality."

Understand the real "hurt" and abandon the "victim mentality".

"Should" thinking is one of the ways of thinking that makes people become "emotional". Thoughts such as "this should be done" and "things should be like that" will make people more "emotional"

Our code of conduct is not "should", but what we expect.

If you usually use "should" as your code of conduct, then just adjust it to "hope" to significantly improve your self-affirmation and avoid "emotional" more effectively.

We do things as "hopes", not as "shoulds."

It is also important to maintain physical distance when emotions are about to explode.

The first priority is to leave the "emotionally charged" scene immediately, and then consider how to deal with your relationship with him after you calm down.

In fact, instead of trying to avoid being "emotional," you might as well understand your triggers for being "emotional."

When a person experiences a shock, he sees it as an "attack."

Evaluation is divided into objective evaluation and subjective evaluation

When plans fail, suffer shock, or are labeled, people will naturally feel angry and uneasy. This is just our emotions telling us that something is going on, and we realize that we are in trouble. By becoming aware of this, you can stop being swayed by your emotions and start changing your situation.

The first step, and fundamental principle, is to “recognize negative emotions that are often considered best ignored as natural and beneficial emotions.”

Acknowledge the emotion of anger, otherwise the "emotionality" will get worse.

It can be seen that the crux of "emotional" lies not in emotions, but in the way of thinking. The more you try to make people look up to you, the more people look down on you.

"Emotional" self-protection will expose people to more severe dangers.

If you just keep getting angry, the other party will never know what you want.

Let’s take a look at ways to control emotions. Only when you realize that you are being impacted can you deal with it calmly.

It is important to face your emotions. Even unconsciously, our bodies and minds can sense certain problems and manifest them in certain symptoms.

Always searching for your own shortcomings will make people "emotionally excited" and make it difficult to gain inner peace.

However, based on the present moment, we must see that "it is good as it is now." Only by affirming your current self can you make real progress.

People who are swayed by their emotions are unable to understand the other person's true needs and create a tense atmosphere among those around them.

If you really want to protect yourself, you should accept your true emotions and act calmly. If you are angry about something, admit that you are in a difficult situation, look for ways to improve it, or ask others for help.

The character expects: "The reason why you are dissatisfied with someone is because this person does not reach your expectations."

Only by knowing what you are expecting can you use your emotions to achieve your goals.

This is the process by which "emotional thinking" escalates the situation. Thinking has been separated from the original problem and constantly generates "impulsive" emotions

"Affirm your negative emotions" is the fundamental point of this book.

If you introduce the "role expectation" way of thinking at this time, the situation will be significantly improved.

If you are troubled by this sense of uneasiness, you should try to reflect on what kind of "emotional thinking" you have produced.

When encountering this situation, you need to communicate with your boyfriend to clarify what kind of role expectations are realistic and feasible for your boyfriend. Failure to communicate with the other party "what one takes for granted" is often a source of conflict.

Role expectations are your own expectations for the other person, and it does not mean that the other person must fulfill them.

When "emotional thinking" keeps lingering in your mind, it will not only intensify the anger caused by the other party, but also make the anxiety of "you are at fault first" intensified.

To impose values ​​on others is to invade the other party's "territory".

Be responsible for your own "field" and don't swallow your anger

You don’t have to bring other people’s assumptions into your own “field”

There are also good methods of advice. The most appropriate way is to fully grasp the other party's current situation, and on the basis of recognizing that "it's good as it is now", then make suggestions: "This is what I think, can you make some changes?"

So how should we properly protect ourselves? I think the first thing to do is to explain to the other party. If it is just a harmless misunderstanding, then it can be easily resolved by being honest.

Treat advice that makes you uncomfortable as "the other person is talking to themselves."

The client violated the iron rule of advice: when making advice, one should address the issue rather than the person, and distinguish between “behavior” and “personality.”

People who are accustomed to attacking other people's personalities usually have the following two characteristics: ① Confusing behavior and personality ② Speaking "you, you, you" instead of "I" when speaking and talking ③ Firmly believing that their own opinions should be accepted by everyone. truth"

In fact, "emotional" is also a "defensive deviation" caused by emphasizing one's own correctness.

The more emotional you are, the harder it is to win the sympathy of others. If you don't get resonance, you will fall into isolation.

"Emotional" is the obsession with being "right"

Focus on how you feel, not what’s right or wrong

The people who are most sensitive to "who is right and who is wrong" are those who have been hurt inside.