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MindMap Gallery The Awakening of the Family - taking parents out of fear and worry
- 22
The Awakening of the Family - taking parents out of fear and worry
A book that touched me deeply! Sincerely recommend to every parent! The biggest advantage of this book is that it not only tells us a lot about parenting knowledge and blind spots, but it also rises to the level of philosophy of life. Through this book, we can know that in the process of raising children, the most important thing is to complete the awakening of the parents themselves. The reason why we usually make the wrong effort is that we always want to put a lot of effort into changing our children, but in fact, children come to us to wake us up and give us a new understanding of ourselves. When you can work hard on yourself, you will find that the whole family is awakened.
Edited at 2024-12-11 13:23:48
- Lemon 8 registration and login flow chart
Find a streamlined guide created using EdrawMind, showcasing the Lemon 8 registration and login flow chart. This visual tool facilitates an effortless journey for American users to switch from TikTok to Lemon 8, making the transition both intuitive and rapid. Ideal for those looking for a user-centric route to Lemon 8's offerings, our flow chart demystifies the registration procedure and emphasizes crucial steps for a hassle-free login.
- 稲盛和夫氏 私の今世の経験は、全部をまとめると、この36つだけです！
これは稲盛和夫に関するマインドマップです。私のこれまでの人生のすべての経験は、ビジネスの明確な目的と意味、強い意志、売上の最大化、業務の最小化、そして運営は強い意志に依存することを主な内容としています。
- 計画テンプレート - 月次計画ボード
かんばんボードのデザインはシンプルかつ明確で、計画が一目で明確になります。毎日の進捗状況を簡単に記録し、月末に要約を作成して成長と成果を確認することができます。 実用性が高い：読書、早起き、運動など、さまざまなプランをカバーします。 操作簡単：シンプルなデザイン、便利な記録、いつでも進捗状況を確認できます。 明確な概要: 毎月の概要により、成長を明確に確認できます。 小さい まとめ、今月の振り返り掲示板、今月の習慣掲示板、今月のまとめ掲示板。
The Awakening of the Family - taking parents out of fear and worry
- Lemon 8 registration and login flow chart
Find a streamlined guide created using EdrawMind, showcasing the Lemon 8 registration and login flow chart. This visual tool facilitates an effortless journey for American users to switch from TikTok to Lemon 8, making the transition both intuitive and rapid. Ideal for those looking for a user-centric route to Lemon 8's offerings, our flow chart demystifies the registration procedure and emphasizes crucial steps for a hassle-free login.
- 稲盛和夫氏 私の今世の経験は、全部をまとめると、この36つだけです！
これは稲盛和夫に関するマインドマップです。私のこれまでの人生のすべての経験は、ビジネスの明確な目的と意味、強い意志、売上の最大化、業務の最小化、そして運営は強い意志に依存することを主な内容としています。
- 計画テンプレート - 月次計画ボード
かんばんボードのデザインはシンプルかつ明確で、計画が一目で明確になります。毎日の進捗状況を簡単に記録し、月末に要約を作成して成長と成果を確認することができます。 実用性が高い：読書、早起き、運動など、さまざまなプランをカバーします。 操作簡単：シンプルなデザイン、便利な記録、いつでも進捗状況を確認できます。 明確な概要: 毎月の概要により、成長を明確に確認できます。 小さい まとめ、今月の振り返り掲示板、今月の習慣掲示板、今月のまとめ掲示板。
- Recommended to you
- Outline
Three-step method for mom to help with homework (turning a grumpy kid into a perfect kid)
- 29
"The Awakening of the Family" - taking parents out of fear and worry
Recommendations
You have spent a lot of time and energy on your child, but your child just doesn't grow up the way you want, and you become a irritable and anxious parent? In fact, in the process of raising children, it is not the children who need to change, but the parents themselves. The more fearful we are, the more anxious our children will be; the more awakened we are, the closer we will be to our children’s hearts. This book provides readers with highly practical guidance, showing parents how to better cultivate relationships with their children, transcend fears and fantasies about parenthood, and raise independent and resilient children.
The biggest advantage of this book is that it not only tells us a lot about parenting knowledge and blind spots, but it also rises to the level of philosophy of life. Through this book, we can know that in the process of raising children, the most important thing is to complete the awakening of the parents themselves. The reason why we usually make the wrong effort is that we always want to put a lot of effort into changing our children, but in fact, children come to us to wake us up and give us a new understanding of ourselves. When you can work hard on yourself, you will find that the whole family is awakened.
you will get
Breaking the myths about education and helping parents get rid of their fears and worries
7 self-examination paths to understand the sources of parenting anxiety
Learn to express love and cultivate optimistic and confident children
About the author
[US] Shafali Sabari
Born in India, he holds a PhD in clinical psychology from Columbia University and runs a private practice in New York.
Summary of contents
new awakening
Parents’ “Self” and “True Self”
The one who roars loudly at the child is called "self". The one who calms down and can reflect rationally is the "true self"
"Self" depends on the education received since childhood and the influence of the surrounding environment, and is rooted in fear
When your heart is filled with fear of the world around you, your first reaction is anger
Children are awakeners
Children are like a mirror, reflecting all kinds of fears and immaturities in their parents’ hearts.
Children are originally awakened. Don’t try to change the child. Just let the child maintain his nature.
Reasons why parents fail
Believe that children must take initiative
Conflict between concepts of time
Not understanding the child’s true needs
Seven myths about education
Education is all for children
The core object of education is not the children, but the parents themselves
You should buy more books for yourself. This is the core, because the real change in a family comes from parents reading, not letting children read so many books.
When you put all the focus of education on the child, you will find that the requirements are endless, which will cause the child to be very anxious and painful.
Successful children are always in front
The whole society is becoming more and more competitive.
If a child's abilities are compared to five fingers, external achievements are just the "little finger"
The first is the relationship with oneself, whether a person can live in harmony with himself (this is the thumb); then the relationship with the family (this is the index finger); then the relationship with the community (this is the middle finger); and then the relationship with each other. The relationship between a target (this is the ring finger); and finally the external concrete manifestation (this is the little finger).
Premature planning and fixation on external achievements - this idea comes from parents who often have an overly clear vision of their children's future.
However, it is impossible for parents to know what jobs will be available thirty years from now. The more rigidly you set the path for your child's life development, the more conflicts and conflicts you will have with your child.
A wrong idea: As long as a person is ranked in front of you in childhood, then this person will probably be ranked in front of you throughout his life.
But as long as you make a very simple recollection, look back at your ranking in the class when you were in school, and see if it corresponds to your living conditions today, you will understand that this is not the case at all. There are many ups and downs in life. .
There are good and bad children
In order to avoid self-reflection, many parents resort to labeling their children
In order to avoid self-reflection, many parents put labels on their children and put "hats" on them one after another until the child can no longer lift his head.
Because it is much easier to label something than to doubt oneself. The most difficult thing for a person is to reflect and change. Especially after we graduate, we suddenly feel that we are adults, so we decide that we don’t need to change anymore. But in fact, after giving birth to a child, it is when we really start to change, when we really start to reflect on ourselves, adjust ourselves, and let ourselves continue to make progress with our children.
Good parents are born
Becoming a good parent requires a lot of study and training, as well as self-growth.
Love is a good parent
"Fear born of love"
From love you develop fear, and fear brings possessiveness and control.
This possessiveness and desire to control will cause love to turn sour. So, fear makes our love the antithesis of growth.
Our motivation may be love, but that doesn’t mean our children receive love as well.
Much of our love is actually love for ourselves, but it is disguised as love for others.
Love is the ability to fully see, accept and respect others for who they are
Step out of yourself and continue to connect with others. This means that we do not require the other person to love us back, nor do we place conditions on their love for us. In other words, our feelings are not included.
Love is not for exchange.
"This definition of love challenges us to respect ourselves and makes us feel self-satisfied, so satisfied that we don't need help from others to achieve this satisfaction." If you love your children from the bottom of your heart and don't ask for anything in return, you just love them. If you have him, you are already satisfied. This is real love, rather than letting the child have to exchange something with himself.
A parent’s mission is to raise happy children
Life has its original appearance, and setbacks have their own meaning. It is possible that the setbacks this child suffered here are the driving force for him to continue to make progress and rise.
The inner fear of many parents makes us think "I can't let these things happen", so once their children have any situation where they need to say "no", parents will stand up to oppose and stand up to solve everything for their children, which will make their own lives worse. Got very tired.
Children are the ones who truly know the true meaning of happiness. Children live in the present.
Parents need to control everything
Parents like to control everything, because many parents have never controlled anything since they were young, so when they have children, they feel that they are finally the boss and can now control some things.
The only thing parents can really control is their own emotions and reactions
But we often don’t control our emotions and reactions. We indulge our emotions and reactions in the hope of controlling what we can’t control. This is the source of pain.
We should develop a real person, not a person with standards under our control. So what is a real person? She said: "It is very important that we cannot deprive children of their experiences. Even if some experiences are painful, they have the right to feel them. Some of our children's experiences evoke some strong emotions in our hearts, but we cannot let these emotions Blind to the fact that children have their own path in life, not ours. We have no right over how our children express their humanity. Instead, we have the privilege of showing them the importance of being true to themselves as their lives unfold. It is our job to embrace them and celebrate their lives. In this way, we celebrate the unique experience of each child’s life, including their amazing strengths and limitations.”
Children can clearly feel whether you reject or accept them. Children are not stupid at all. Or if we put ourselves in someone else's shoes, can you feel whether your parents accept or reject you now? You can definitely feel it. This cannot be covered up by superficial politeness. Whether he accepts you from the bottom of his heart, or whether he rejects your current state, these children can feel it. If a parent can accept the current situation of his child from the bottom of his heart, instead of trying to control everything and make everything happen according to his own imagination, this parent is called an awakened parent.
Self-diagnosis: Exploring the Source of Parental Fears
fear of not being loved
Our fear comes from our fear of not being loved by others.
Because you are particularly afraid of not being loved, you are always sensitive to your children's reactions to you. Once your child is criticized, you will feel sensitive. You also attach great importance to whether your children are popular in school. These all come from the fear of not being loved.
fear of conflict
In fact, the same is true for workplace relationships. Some people are always assigned a lot of work by others in the workplace, and the boundaries are always unclear. They are bullied a lot like good old people. The reason is our fear of conflict - we dare not have key conversations and dare not show our own strength. value.
fear of investment
I just don’t dare to do anything wholeheartedly. Such people dare not devote themselves wholeheartedly. Because if he devotes himself wholeheartedly, he will find it unacceptable if he encounters setbacks.
fear of independence
Because we always want to be attached to others, or we always want others to be attached to us. We feel that independence is a very dangerous thing and are unwilling to separate.
fear of misfortune
We always hope that there will be no unhappiness in life. As long as we feel unhappy, I cannot accept it. But actually, where does so much happiness come from in life? If we pursue everything in life to always be smooth sailing, always happy, and happy, it is illusory and will make us very tired. If you have a fear of misfortune, the symptoms are:
When your child seems unhappy, you immediately try to cheer them up, eager to step in and deal with their pain. (Children cannot express discomfort at home. As long as the child expresses discomfort, you will find a way, such as taking him to a movie or buying him something.)
If your children are sensitive and fragile, you will look down on them.
You cannot be empathetic to your children when their emotions make you uncomfortable. (For example, some parents will say: "Boys are not allowed to cry!")
You don’t teach children how to deal with pain, you teach them how to avoid it. (Cannot accept pain and misfortune.)
The fear of feeling useless
Some people are particularly worried about being looked down upon by others, and particularly worried about appearing useless in the eyes of others. The behavior of such parents is:
We teach our children that only by getting good grades can they feel good about themselves. (You will find that many parents whose own grades are not very good ask their children to get particularly high scores. This is the reason. They feel that if their children’s scores are not high enough, they are useless. Children must not be useless. )
We obsess over our children's appearance and teach them to rely on their appearance.
We try to control who our children associate with and focus on their popularity.
We grovel before others and lower our self-esteem.
We become overly obsessed with appearance, image, and social status.
fear of losing control
It’s hard to allow your children to make mistakes.
You feel that giving your children independence is tantamount to abandoning your own children.
You feel like if you're not around 24/7, your kids will fall apart.
You feel like your child won’t thrive without your presence.
You put undue pressure on yourself to meet your child's every need.
You wear yourself out trying to help your child manage every decision and every activity.
Every time your child does something, you treat it as your own business and don't allow your child to be overwhelmed by anything.
You view your children as an important part of your successful life, and you take great pride in your role as a parent.
There are many parents who have been doing homework for their children since kindergarten. Once parents take this responsibility on themselves and ask their children to get an A on every assignment starting from kindergarten, the parents themselves will be exhausted, and the children will become excessively dependent on the parents. This is the fear inside parents of losing control.
fear of the ordinary
Some people just can't accept being ordinary. They don't want themselves to be ordinary, nor do they want their children to be ordinary. If the child is an ordinary person in the future, he will feel "Oh my God, this is terrible." If you have this fear, symptoms include:
We desperately push our children to excel in certain areas.
When children are not good enough, we shame them.
We control them too much, fearing they will fail.
We overemphasize the importance of competition and educate children to live to win.
fear of shortage
We feel that the resources in this society are limited. If you don’t take them, and the resources are taken away by others, you will have nothing. This is not actually the case. There is a book called "Abundance", which tells you that there are so many resources in this society that even if others have taken them all, you can still create new resources. The earth is still capable of supporting so many of us. If your thinking is scarcity and you are extremely panicked about shortages, then your performance will be:
When your child gets a C on a test, you start to panic.
When you see your children gaining weight, you immediately ask them to go on a diet.
If your child feels that he is not smart, you invite a group of tutors.
You feel unhappy when your child is criticized by a teacher or excluded by a friend.
If your child forgets their school bag at school or loses their cell phone, you scold them.
This fear will exaggerate all kinds of mistakes made by children, turning mistakes into a serious matter.
Toward Awakening: Discover the “Pattern Chip” in You
Discover the "chip"
The chip determines the computing power of a computer. There are also many "chips" in our bodies, which have been implanted in our bodies during our interactions with our parents and teachers since childhood. Everything we say and do, how we deal with our relationships with colleagues, children, and superiors, how we make money, and how we support our families are all closely related to this "chip."
Consciously remind yourself to change it - "Yes, But"
This is change. "Yes" means acceptance, awareness of one's fears and acceptance of one's fears. "But" represents courage and your intention to do it. This is the process of stepping out of our inner fears.
"Yes, I'm afraid of going to new places, but I can find ways to feel at ease."
“Yes, I’m afraid of speaking in meetings, but I can find ways to prepare.”
"Yes, I'm afraid of confronting my friends, but I can find ways to interact with them."
Separate love from fear
Write out the fearful part, and then write out the loving part
After separation, you will find that what you should really stick to is the part of love, and what should be changed is the part of fear.
When you have an emotion towards your child, when the emotion arises, you can take a pen and write down what you are afraid of, and make a list of the things you are afraid of. Why am I angry? You know, behind all anger is fear. People will not be angry about things that are within their own power.
new parenting techniques
From expectation to investment
Let go of too many expectations for your children and your family, and live immersed in every day's interactions
From unintentional reaction to attentive companionship
unintentional reaction
A knee jerk reaction is an unintentional reaction. All of a sudden, we get angry and angry. This is called an unintentional reaction. Because you have a seizure without even thinking about it.
Why are children reluctant to talk to their parents after they have passed puberty?
Because whatever children tell their parents is followed by a lot of education - what you should do, what you shouldn't do, and don't pay attention to anything. Can't you talk to him about a football game, about shoes, about a game or a piece of music? Only then will your child be willing to show his colorful world in front of you. Don't always feel like your child is moving away from you.
For example, you should be careful when talking to your children, and don’t say words that teach others or speak from a high position.
About "Law of Attraction"
I’ve heard a lot of people talk about the so-called ‘Law of Attraction’. Many people are attracted by the wealth and achievements that this law promises to bring, and try to apply this 'law' to themselves. As a result, most people turn away disappointed. Making a vision board and writing down our dreams and desires is helpful and I support it. But it’s useless as a substitute for diving into the future instead of being fully present in the realities of each day. "
Based on the present, don’t always stare at the vague future...
When you keep placing orders to the universe and imagining how you should be, it actually means that you are absent-minded and your heart is not satisfied with the current life at all. You even want to take shortcuts and place an order with the universe for something. Such a life is painful and not happy at all. Life itself is very rich. You don’t need to place an order with anyone. You just need to enjoy your life at the moment, and it is very important to work hard to live a good life every day.
Let the child feel the relationship between cause and effect, rather than criticizing his nature.
Your reaction is exactly the child's emotional trigger point, and this is reincarnation. The education you give your child will affect the education he will give his children in the future, and he will also have his emotional trigger points. We want the child to feel the relationship between cause and effect, rather than criticizing his nature. Many parents like to define their children, saying: "This is your nature, you are such a person, you are a lazy person, you are a bad person." This is talking about nature.
But in fact, we want children to feel the causal relationship. What is the causal relationship? If this house is not taken care of, our living environment will be very bad. If we don't clean up this room tonight, we can't eat now. We have to clean together. This is the result, let him feel the natural result, rather than define him by what is natural. This all comes from the fact that you have to learn to accompany someone with your heart, stop reacting blindly, and start expressing sincerely. When you talk to your children, you have to be careful, not sing high-pitched words, or say words that teach others or stand on a high ground.
from chaos to calm
If parents are particularly excited because they receive some external material rewards and are always excited about external things, what impact will it have on their children? The child will define himself by external things, and he will feel that only obtaining these external things represents success.
The louder the voice in a family, the less authoritative it is. By remaining calm and listening, you will have greater say at home.
For a parent, calmness is actually very important. We often feel joy for some inner growth, feel happy when the family eats together, and feel very happy when everyone watches a movie together. This kind of inner joy is the one that can defeat chaos. A kind of calm, the power of silence is very strong.
When many parents have behavioral problems in their children, their first reaction is to threaten them and want to solve the problem quickly. This will lead to more serious rebound in the children, which will lead to quarrels, so many families are in chaos for a long time. Lao Tzu once said: "Being heavy is a weak root, and being quiet is a arrogant ruler." This is a saying in the "Tao Te Ching", which means that if a person is not heavy, he will not be powerful. If you can learn to be calm, learn the power of silence, and show the true dignity of a parent, not by yelling, but by your calm emotions, and you can listen, then you will have a greater voice at home. The louder the voice in a family, the less authoritative it is.
"Don't talk for five minutes." When a child has some problems, parents should not speak for five minutes, and there is no need to stare at him with threatening eyes. That would be too scary. If you try not to speak for five minutes, you will find that your aura will change, making it easier for you to make reasonable requests. This move is called going from chaos to calm.
From role to role
You should be an independent person with your own goals in life, not someone’s parent.
We should learn from the earth. "The sky is selfless and the earth is selfless." The earth is selfless. Good people can step on it, and bad people can step on it. No matter who the earth loses, its heart is calm and stable. This is the earth's Virtue.
To expand your emotional container.
It means that you are not just angry, you can be curious, you can be humorous, you can be innovative, you can be sharing. At this time, you are no longer a single role - the role of a serious-faced mother (father). You are a person, a living person who is growing up like him. This is called going from role to role. No role.
From emotions to feelings
Many people can’t tell what emotions are and what feelings are, so we often use emotions to replace our deep inner feelings.
"The truth is that true feelings can only be experienced through the quietness deep within us. They require calling, companionship, touch...Feelings can only be acknowledged from the heart, on a very personal level.
Ignoring feelings and venting emotions wantonly may crush children's minds. "
"Pave a straight path for your feelings"
You vent on your children, vent on your husband, this is a detour. Because you don't face your emotions directly, you don't face your feelings directly.
We can say, 'I'm sad right now' or 'I'm feeling depressed'. Acknowledging our feelings simply and clearly allows us to recognize them rather than be controlled by their power.
From interference and restraint to independence
Parents should learn to be emotionally independent and not completely entangle their children's emotions with their own.
There must be necessary protection and necessary training. Don't over-protect. It is difficult to protect it comprehensively. Even if it is comprehensive, how can the mind and will of the greenhouse seedlings cope with the reality?
From criticism to empathy
True empathy is not about manipulation, but about not placing expectations on others and allowing children to make their own choices
When parents encounter their children's emotional problems, they often respond by criticizing and feeling that their children should not be like this.
We are too easy to criticize our children, but what children really need is empathy.
True empathy means that we don’t expect anything from others. True empathy is not about manipulating others, nor is it about having expectations of others. “A truly empathic response is to immediately recognize that the other person’s situation is vastly different from ours; to recognize that in order to connect with them we must completely abandon our own expectations. To be able to quickly let go of our own Expectations require us to focus on the present and understand that connecting with others is a moment-by-moment exchange of energy between the two parties, but it does not guarantee the outcome of things. "We must allow the child to have his own choices. Empathy is truly accepting the other person's emotions, rather than simply using a technique to control the child.
From discipline to enlightened rules
Good rules have two characteristics: they serve you and your children’s higher-level selves, and they have room for discussion.
The most basic rules of a family.
Respect yourself – protect yourself, including cleaning and sleeping
Respect one’s surroundings – a clean room and home
Respect the individual's heart - formal or informal education process
Respect family and community - communicate with others and contribute to society
What are the characteristics of good rules?
“Does this rule serve your and your child’s higher selves (not just your “self”)?
From the battlefield to the negotiation table
Make progress together with your children, neither doting on them nor competing for them
If you don't wake up, you will find that you and your children are fighting and quarreling every day. And in fact, you can face these issues by coming to the bargaining table together.
If you compete with your children for say (that is, whether you have the final say or I have the final say), it means that your ego is constantly inflated. And your self-expansion will also lead to your child's self-expansion. If both of your egos are inflated, the home will become a "battlefield." If you can return to your true selves, then you can truly love him, truly know that you like him, and accept everything that happens to him now.
The biggest inspiration this book brings us is that if you live in an awakened family, you are at ease and your children are at ease, you will not have a strong self, constantly have friction with others, and feel "I am" all day long. "Where is my dignity?" "Where is my face?" "Does my words count?" These are all your strong self. In fact, you are constantly growing. When both of you are comfortable, the family is no longer about control, but about love, understanding and listening, and then everyone works hard to be themselves. What we can do for our children is to create conditions and accept his current situation and future. This is what an awakened family should look like.