Don’t be obsessed with the theory of causes. Don’t attribute the current situation to certain reasons in the past, and then use the reasons as an excuse not to change.

Teleology is the real reason that affects current behavioral decisions. We must put aside the purpose and excuse to avoid stepping out of the comfort zone, and bravely break through and change the status quo.

The same is the theory of teleology: creating angry emotions in order to achieve the purpose of getting angry and shocking the other party should be abandoned. This irrational purpose should be abandoned.

Because if it is not for the purpose of shocking the other party, then using calmness and communication methods can actually achieve the same thing. Anger is actually a behavior that can be released and recovered. For example, when you are angry at someone, you will not be equally angry at other innocent people.

Advocate Adler's teleology: what happens now and in the future depends entirely on all thoughts, decisions, goals and behaviors in the present. Contrary to Freudian theory of trauma based on causation

Don't always want to be a cheerful, talkative and lovable person like Y. This is a way of not loving yourself and living for others, because you are you and others are others. They cannot be exactly the same. Don't embarrass yourself in vain

We should focus on accepting and pleasing ourselves, making good use of what we have, and constantly being a unique and happy self.

The current misfortune comes entirely from a kind of self-interest: I don’t want to put myself under pressure and hardship, I just want to keep myself in the comfort zone, which leads to the current misfortune.

Don’t look for trouble and be meaninglessly obsessed with unfair factors such as birth, appearance, IQ, etc., and accept these things that cannot be changed or replaced.

What you need to do is to constantly update yourself on the original basis and work hard to change what can be changed, so that you can stay away from misfortune.

Your personality, life and way of thinking (worldview and outlook on life) determine you. If you choose to have a pessimistic worldview, your life will be pessimistic. If you are afraid that you will encounter unknown difficulties and dangers by changing the status quo and keep making excuses, To maintain the status quo and a sense of security, then make the determination to change

Life and way of thinking (world view and outlook on life) can be changed. You can make up your mind to choose a positive and optimistic lifestyle and have the courage to achieve a better life.

You must have the determination to abandon your current lifestyle. Don't be reluctant to change and take action because you are afraid of failure and effort, and then keep finding various reasons not to do it.

Many things that happened in the past cannot determine the future. Only the decisions and actions made now can determine everything in the future.

To only see and focus on your own shortcomings is to make up your mind not to like yourself, and to avoid seeing failure and choosing to refuse to start.

Create a phobia of blushing for yourself: Keep using this excuse in order to allow yourself to accept an unsatisfactory life and yourself.

All you can do is to forcefully accept yourself as you are now. No matter what the result is, just do it and build up the courage to move forward. Because people cannot live alone in the universe and cannot avoid interpersonal relationships at all, so they can only choose to face it. and change

There are no internal worries that are limited to one person. Everyone’s worries are mixed with other people and external factors, including hating oneself in order to be liked and affirmed by others, and working hard to study and make money so as not to fall behind others...

For example, a person with a height of 155cm is not objectively deficient in height, but subjectively compared with other people. If there is no comparison with others, there is no inferiority

Since you cannot change the objective facts, you can change the subjective interpretation and re-give or view its value.

People have a superiority complex that pursues continuous progress. When their pursuit is blocked, they develop an inferiority complex.

Inferiority, when handled well, can be a catalyst for effort and progress. If you never try and work hard to change, if you just have low self-esteem, you will fall into self-abasement and become more and more negative.

An inferiority complex is different from an inferiority complex. An inferiority complex refers to the state of using one's own inferiority complex as an excuse. Specifically, thoughts like "I can't succeed because I have low education" or "I can't get married because I'm not pretty." Promoting theories like "Because I have A, I can't do B" in daily life goes beyond the scope of inferiority complex. It is an inferiority complex. People without courage will fall into this kind of situation because they don't have the courage to An inferiority complex that is willing to devote and sacrifice entertainment time instead of making changes and constantly making excuses based on the theory of causes.

Although he suffers from a strong sense of inferiority, he does not have the courage to make changes through sound means such as hard work or growth. Even so, I can't stand the inferiority complex of "I can't do B because I have A", and I can't accept my "incompetent self". As a result, people will want to use simpler methods to compensate - to show off their sense of superiority.

Everyone is walking on the same plane, and no one is walking on a higher plane than others. The real pursuit of excellence is to keep oneself moving forward, rather than to walk on a higher plane than others.

If you cannot get rid of the mentality of constantly competing and comparing in interpersonal relationships, and treating others as enemies and competitors, you will not be able to get rid of misfortune, and you will not be able to obtain peace and happiness.

Put aside the sense of competition, others are just others, and others don't pay that much attention to you. You should focus on improving and pleasing yourself, be a warm sunflower, and make the world simpler and happier.

Intense arguments will escalate to the level of personality or even personal attacks. If one party fails to withdraw, it will cause the losing party to take revenge out of hatred. They should be patient and admit it, and actively withdraw from the argument to avoid the situation from developing.

In arguments, you should control the communication methods of anger and blaming the other party, and communicate in a more effective way such as calmness, logic and dialectics.

If you firmly believe that you are right, just ignore other people's opinions, don't engage in unnecessary arguments, and don't get into a rights battle.

behavioral goals

communication topics

Work topic

The subject of love

When you start to hate someone, your subconscious will continue to collect evidence of hating that person to prepare for the breakdown of the relationship.

Freudian etiology is a "psychology of possession" Deller's psychology is a "psychology of use". It is you who plays the decisive role. You are not affected by mental trauma and use your own hands to choose your own life and lifestyle.

Currency is minted freedom. You can gain freedom through money, because money can get you many things, but having money does not necessarily mean happiness, because money cannot buy happiness. For example, if you don’t have people who truly love each other, you don’t have close friends.

In interpersonal relationships, we can ignore the opinions and requirements of outsiders. But for parents, it’s hard for us to ignore

In the social environment of reward and punishment education, we all long for praise and recognition from others, and even the motivations for many of our behaviors come from this.

Live for yourself, don't live in other people's lives and abandon yourself. That is actually painful and not free. Even if you are recognized by others, it does not mean that you will be happy throughout your life. If you don’t live for yourself, who else will live for you? Everyone lives for themselves, not for others, and everyone's code of conduct does not interfere with each other's

Learning is a child's subject, not a parent's subject. Parents who order their children to study are interfering in other people's subjects. If this is the case, conflicts will certainly be inevitable.

All interpersonal conflicts arise from interference in other people's issues or interference in one's own issues. You can assist but not interfere with other people's projects. As long as you can separate the projects, your interpersonal relationships will change dramatically.

All you can do about your life is "choose the path you think is best." On the other hand, how others evaluate your choices and how you view yourself, whether you like it or hate it, is their business and you have no control over it.

No matter how unreasonably and unreasonably the boss loses his temper, it is not "my" issue. The matter of being unreasonable is an issue that the boss should deal with. There is no need to please or compromise. What I should do is to do my own thing well and handle my own issue correctly. If you could understand it this way, things would be completely different.

Caring about other people's eyes, living by looking at other people's faces, and living to meet other people's expectations may indeed become a roadmap in life, and may lead to a stable life without getting lost, but it is an extremely unfree lifestyle.

No matter how hard we try, there will always be people who hate me and people who hate you. Since we can’t change, we must have the freedom to be hated by others.

I want to live without being annoying, and I want to do my best to satisfy my desire for recognition. However, the lifestyle of trying to please everyone is an extremely unfree lifestyle, and it is also impossible to achieve. If you want to exercise your freedom, you need to pay a price. And in relationships, the price of freedom is being disliked by others.

Not being afraid of being disliked but moving forward courageously, not following the crowd but forging ahead bravely, this is the freedom for people. I care more about how I am doing than what other people think of me. That means wanting to live freely.

Always keep the "relationship card" in your own hands.

Adler opposed all dualist values ​​that consider separately the mind and body, reason and emotion, and consciousness and unconsciousness.

The “end” of interpersonal relationships: “a sense of community”

People who are unable to "separate subjects" and are blindly obsessed with the desire for recognition are also extremely self-centered people.

When their expectations are met, they tend to be disappointed and feel greatly humiliated, and they will also be very angry, with words such as "That person did nothing for me", "That person failed to live up to my expectations" or "That person No longer friends but enemies” and that kind of thinking. People who hold the belief that they are at the center of the world will soon lose "friends" and will not be easy to group.

We are not the center of society and should face "life issues" head on. That is to say, do not avoid interpersonal issues such as work, making friends, and love, but face them proactively. Whether you or I, we are not the center of the world. We must take the initiative to face interpersonal issues with our own feet; instead of thinking about "what will this person give me", we must think about "what can I give" What is this person?" This is participation and integration into the community

The community not only includes visible existences such as families or companies, but also includes invisible connections. For example, going out to buy a piece of bread also involves key issues such as currency, raw materials, and transportation.

When we encounter difficulties in interpersonal relationships or cannot see an exit, the first thing we should consider is the principle of "listening to the voice of the greater community."

How separating subjects leads to good relationships

Neither praise nor criticize. Adlerian psychology calls this kind of assistance based on horizontal relationships "encouragement."

Showing concern for others, establishing horizontal relationships, and using encouragement methods can all give oneself the practical feeling of "I am useful to others", which in turn can increase the courage to live.

On the matter of community feeling: someone has to start. Even if others don't cooperate, that's none of your business. My opinion is this: you should start. No need to consider whether others will cooperate

Give others values ​​and build a sense of community

This does not mean that you should turn anyone into a friend or treat everyone like a friend. That is not the case. What is important is equality in consciousness and insisting on your own opinions.

It is precisely because you hate yourself that you only focus on yourself; it is precisely because you have no confidence in yourself that you have excessive self-awareness.

Self-awareness always ties oneself down and seriously restricts one's words and deeds. My ego simply doesn’t allow me to act without restraint.

Build a sense of community. This needs to start from the following three points: "self-acceptance", "trust in others" and "contribution of others".

Adlerian psychology believes that the basis of interpersonal relationships should not be "credit" but "trust."

Social work and housework are both for making money and realizing self-worth and living a fulfilling life.

It is precisely because you have accepted your true self—that is, "self-acceptance"—that you can achieve "trust in others" without fear of betrayal; and precisely because you can give unconditional trust to others and regard others as your partners, Only by making contributions to others can we realize that "I am useful to others" and then accept the true self and achieve "self-acceptance"

Smooth interpersonal relationships are neither due to stuttering nor blushing phobia. The real problem lies in the inability to accept self, trust in others and contributions from others, but focus on one insignificant aspect and attempt to evaluate the entire world based on it. . This is a wrong lifestyle that lacks harmony in life.

Because I am busy with work, I have no time to take care of my family. "However, this is actually a lie in life. It is just using work as an excuse to avoid other responsibilities.

Men think that after working these hours, earning enough money to support their families, and gaining social recognition, they are the most valuable person in the family.

The reason why you are unhappy is because you cannot get a sense of contribution, right?

People can only realize their own value when they can feel "I am useful to others." But this contribution can also come in unseen forms. As long as there is a subjective feeling of "being useful to others", that is, a "sense of contribution", it is enough. Moreover, the philosopher also came to the conclusion that happiness is the "sense of contribution"

Whether you want to be particularly good or want to be particularly bad, the purpose is the same - to attract the attention of others, to escape from the "ordinary" state, and to become a "special existence." This is their purpose

For example, skipping school or cutting one's wrists, drinking or smoking underage, etc., are all "cheap pursuit of superiority."

Self-acceptance is an important step. If you can have the "courage to be ordinary", you will have a completely different view of the world.

Being ordinary does not mean being incompetent. There is no need for us to show off our superiority.

Why does it have to be "special"? This is due to the inability to accept the “ordinary self”. Therefore, after the dream of "extremely good" was frustrated, it turned into an extremely extreme form of "extremely bad".

Life, which seems like a line, is actually a series of points, which means that life is a series of moments. Don’t look at life as a line that must reach the end

The continuity of the moment "now". We can only live in the "now and now", our life only exists in a moment.

Adults who don't understand this always want to force young people to live a "line" life. In their view, going to a good university, entering a good company, and having a stable family is the path to a happy life. However, life cannot be a line. It’s not that a planned life is necessary, it’s that it’s simply impossible.

What you call the life you want to reach your destination can be called a "potential life." In contrast, what I call a life like dancing can be called a "realistic life."

We should live our “here and now” more seriously. If you feel that you can see the past and predict the future, it proves that you are not living seriously in the "here and now", but are living in a vague and weak light.

Life is a continuous moment, there is no past or future at all. You are trying to find a way out of trouble by focusing on the past or the future. What happened in the past has nothing to do with your "here and now", and what the future will bring is not a question to consider in your "here and now". If you were living seriously in the "here and now", you would never say such a thing

Focusing on the "here and now" means doing what you can do now carefully and carefully. Things you can change according to your own will

Set a goal for the distant future and consider now to be the preparation stage for it. Keeping thinking "What you really want to do is something like this, and you will do it when the time comes" is a way of life that delays life. As long as we procrastinate in life, we will make no progress and live a boring and monotonous life every day. Because in this case, people will think that "this moment" is just a stage of preparation and patience.

The correct approach is to have no goals. Living the "here and now" seriously is a dance in itself. Don't take life too seriously. Please don’t confuse earnestness with profundity.

Life is simple, not something profound. If you live every moment carefully, there is no need to make it too profound.

The biggest lie in life is not living in the “here and now.” Obsessing with the past, focusing on the future, shining a weak and fuzzy light on life as a whole, thinking that I have seen something. You have been ignoring the "here and now" and only focusing on the past and future that do not exist at all. He told a big lie about his life and irreplaceable moments.

"There is no universal meaning of life." The meaning of life is given by oneself. "

Such as war or natural disasters, the world we live in is full of all kinds of irrational things. It is also impossible for us to talk about the "meaning of life" in front of the children who were involved in the war and lost their lives. In other words, there is no meaning in life that can be regarded as common sense.

If we suffer a major natural disaster, how meaningful is it to look back on the past from a causal perspective and ask "why did such a thing happen?" Because of this, when we encounter difficulties, we must look forward and think about "what can we do in the future?"

We also need a "guiding star" in our lives. As long as you don't lose this pointer, you can achieve happiness as long as you move in this direction. ——Contribution of others