1. Individual Psychology and Holism
Original understanding: The subject of separation is ultimately the idea of drawing a clear line between "you are you and I am me".
Reinterpretation: individual psychology, the individual here refers to the smallest unit that is indivisible and cannot be subdivided.
So why is it inseparable?
Adler opposed values that consider the mind and body, reason and emotion, and consciousness/unconsciousness separately, and regarded the mind/body as an indivisible "whole"
When I get angry at others, it is the choice of "I as a whole", and it is definitely not the independent existence of feelings - it can be said that it has nothing to do with my will - roaring. If I separate myself from my feelings, I will easily fall into the lies of life
2. The ultimate goal of interpersonal relationships
The separation of subjects is the starting point of interpersonal relationships, and the "end point" of interpersonal relationships is the "feeling of community"
The state of seeing others as partners and being able to feel that "one has a place" (making a contribution) is called a sense of community.
The community advocated by Adler is not the "community" in our common impression, but includes "everything" from the past to the future, and even the universe as a whole.
The source of happiness also lies in interpersonal relationships
A sense of community is the most important indicator of happy relationships
The feeling of community can start from "me and you". As long as two people exist, society and community will be created.
Use this as a starting point to turn your persistence into care for others
3. Is “desperately seeking recognition” self-centered?
What kind of person is self-centered? Tyrant, destroying group harmony (not participating in group activities, breaking appointments without reflecting), people who are blindly obsessed with the desire for recognition
So you need to replace your persistence with concern for others
4. You are not the center of the world, just the center of the world map.
First of all, as a member of the community, we belong to the community. We can feel that we have our own place in the community and realize that "we can be here", that is, we have a sense of belonging. This is a basic human desire.
The protagonist of my life is "I". This does not mean that "I" is at the center of the world. I am part of the whole.
They transcended the "protagonist of life" and became the "protagonist of the world"
Others don’t live to meet your expectations
As a result, they tend to be disillusioned and humiliated, and very indignant "Why did that person do this to me?"
I am not the center of the world. The world is not a flat map but a sphere like a globe
We are all looking for a sense of belonging that "can be here". However, Adlerian psychology believes that a sense of belonging cannot be obtained just by being there. It must be "actively participating" in the community.
It is to face "life issues" head-on: do not avoid interpersonal issues such as work, making friends, and love, but face them proactively
Instead of thinking about "what will this person give me", you must think about "what can I give this person". This is participation in the community.
A sense of belonging is not something you are born with
You have to get it with your own hands
5. Find your place in a broader world
Don’t stick to the community in front of you, but realize that you belong to other communities, to larger communities, such as the country/society, and you can make some contributions wherever you are.
People will never/cannot live "alone" without the community
All Adler's communities include not only visible existences such as family or company, but also invisible connections.
Question: When comparing the community of "company" and "the earth", my sense of belonging as a member of the company will be stronger. When we seek a sense of belonging, we will naturally pay attention to smaller communities.
Why should we be aware of more and larger communities? Such as school
There is a wider world beyond school. And, we are all part of that world. If there is no place for you in the school, you can also find another place outside the school, transfer to another school, or drop out. A community that can cut off contact with a withdrawal form will only have that level of contact after all.
※If you understand the bigness of the world, you will understand that the suffering you suffered in school is just a "storm in a cup." Just jump out of the cup and the fierce storm will turn into a breeze
Question: Can’t you go outside the cup if you stay behind closed doors?
Being stuck at home is like staying in a cup and hiding in a little refuge. Even if you can take temporary shelter from the rain, the storm will not stop
When we encounter difficulties in relationships or see no way out, the first thing we should consider is
The principle of “listening to the voice of the greater community”
Living in fear of relationship breakdown is an unfree lifestyle of living for others.
If a relationship can collapse because of your opposition, then there is no need to enter into this relationship from the beginning, and it doesn’t matter if you abandon it on your own initiative.
To have a sense of community but also to have freedom of choice?
Of course, there is no need to stick to the small community in front of you. More other "me and you", more other "everyone", and more large communities must exist
6. Criticism is not good. . . . . Not even praise?
Development route from "separation of subjects" to "feeling of community"
First, separate the subjects, draw clear boundaries, do not interfere with other people's subjects, and do not let others interfere. Then how to build interpersonal relationships from here, and finally form a sense of community that "you can be here"?
vertical relationship
When educating children/training subordinates, it is usually criticism/praise education-----neither option is optional.
"Praise" includes "the evaluation of those who have no ability by those who are capable". The purpose of praising others is to "manipulate the other party who is less capable than themselves". There is no gratitude or respect, such as "You are awesome"
The only difference between praising or criticizing others is "using sugar or using a whip". The purpose behind it is manipulation.
horizontal relationship
Basic Principles of Adlerian Psychology: Different but Equal
Inferiority complex is originally a consciousness that arises from vertical relationships. If a horizontal relationship of "different but equal" can be established for everyone, then there will be no inferiority complex at all.
For example: When a man scolds a housewife, "Who supports you?", the underlying meaning is that interpersonal relationships are regarded as "vertical relationships", and it also conceals his strong inferiority complex and his desire to show off his superiority complex.
7. Only with encouragement can you have courage.
Regarding "interference and manipulation", arbitrarily interfering in other people's projects is actually a vertical relationship.
Precisely because we regard interpersonal relationships as vertical relationships and regard the other party as lower than ourselves, we interfere, hoping to lead the other party in the direction we want through interference. Believe that you are right and the other person is wrong
If a "horizontal relationship" is established, there will be no interference
If there is a very distressed person in front of you, should you ignore it? If I interfere, is that interference?
We can’t just ignore it, we need to do some “assistance” that is not interference.
The difference between intervention and assistance
Separate subjects, children’s learning is decided by themselves, parents cannot replace it
Interference means intervening in other people's projects, giving instructions such as "Study hard" or "Which university should I go to?"
The premise of assistance is the separation of subjects and horizontal relationships. After understanding that learning is the child's subject, we then consider what can be helped. Instead of ordering the child to learn from a high position, we strive to help him establish that "he can learn by himself." of confidence
Help him use his own strength to solve the problem on the premise of separating the subjects.
You can take a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink.
The more people receive praise from others, the more they will form the belief that they are incompetent.
If you feel happy because you receive praise, it is tantamount to belonging to a vertical relationship and admitting that "you are incompetent" because praise is "an evaluation made by a capable person to an incompetent person"
If the goal is to gain praise, you will ultimately choose a lifestyle that caters to other people’s values.
First separate the subjects, and then establish an equal horizontal relationship while accepting the differences between both parties.
"Encouragement" is a method based on this (horizontal relationship assistance)
8. If you have value, you have courage.
Question: How should we be encouraged specifically? Even if you don’t praise or criticize, what other words can you choose?
What would you say when you think about an equal partner offering you help at work? Thank you----Thank you to express gratitude to the partners who helped you, or express your true joy with words such as "I am very happy", and express gratitude with "it helped a lot"------Based on the horizontal direction Relationship encouragement.
The important thing is not to "evaluate others". Evaluative language is language based on vertical relationships. If you can establish a horizontal relationship, you will naturally say more sincere words of gratitude, respect and joy.
"Thank you" is not an evaluation, but a more pure word of gratitude. When people hear words of thanks, they know that they can contribute to others.
Q: Even if it's based on a vertical relationship, I think it's more gratifying to get praise.
To judge whether a certain behavior is "good" or "bad" is to use others as the standard. If you want to be praised, you can only conform to other people's standards and hinder your own freedom.
Adler's insight: People can only gain courage when they can feel that they are valuable.
Q: How can I feel valuable?
※ People can only feel valuable when they can realize "I am useful to the community"
That is, by serving the community/others, we can realize that "I am useful to others" and subjectively think that "I can contribute to others." Only in this way can we truly appreciate our own value.
Showing concern for others, establishing horizontal relationships, and using encouragement methods can bring you the actual feeling of "I am useful to others", which in turn can increase the value of life.
9. As long as it exists, it has value.
Question: Only people who are useful to others have value. On the contrary, people who are useless to others have no value.
We should not use the standard of "behavior" but the standard of "existence" to view others.
Don’t judge others by “what they have done”, but express joy and gratitude for their existence itself.
When we look at others, we often arbitrarily fabricate an "ideal image for ourselves" and then evaluate them by subtraction.
Example: Parents hope that their children will get perfect scores in studies and sports, and then go to a good university and join a big company. If you compare yourself with this kind of ideal child, you will be dissatisfied with your own child.
Deducting points little by little from the 100 points of the ideal image is the idea of "evaluation".
Don’t compare your child with others, don’t deduct points, start from point 0
can express gratitude to "existence" itself
※ Someone has to start. Even if others don’t cooperate, it doesn’t matter to you.
It starts with you, without having to consider whether others will cooperate
10. No matter where you are, you can have an equal relationship.
Question: I feel worthless. Example: My parents say I am a worthless child.
First of all, it is okay to have only one side with others. We must establish horizontal relationships, not just as friends, but also with parents, juniors, and bosses.
In a vertical relationship, if person A is stronger than me, I will listen to him; if person B is not stronger, I will not listen to his ideas.
We must start from a conscious perspective and insist on what we should stand for
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