Freud and Jung (theory of causes), Adler (theory of teleology)

Theme: Everyone can change and everyone can achieve happiness

Adlerian psychology considers not past causes but present purposes

If we continue to rely on the theory of causes, we will never make progress

Adlerian psychology explicitly denies psychological trauma

It is not our past experiences that determine us, but the meaning we give to our experiences.

Teleology: We all live for a purpose

Adler argued that it is not "being driven by anger and getting angry" but "creating anger for the sake of getting angry"

Although anger is disguised as "emotion", "sensibility" and "impulse", it is actually a means used by people to achieve their goals, and it is also the result of human rational weighing and calculation. When human beings choose to use a certain emotion to face the outside world, they actually quickly estimate the benefit-risk ratio in the blink of an eye.

Let the other person understand: first, being his emotional sandbag makes you feel bad and hurts you; second, dumping emotional garbage on you is not without cost.

A person who is good at controlling his anger will choose to release his anger at the most critical moment. Once it is expressed, he will definitely gain some kind of benefit. Anger will become a very handy but useless weapon in this person's arsenal. A weapon that is easy to use. On the contrary, a person who excessively uses this weapon will make his anger cheap and hurt those close to him at the same time.

The Freudian causal theory represented by the trauma theory is determinism in disguise.

Adler believed that people should not be influenced by past reasons, but should move towards their own goals.

Everyone can change, and the first step to change is understanding. The answers you want to know should not be obtained from others, but should be found out for yourself.

Everyone wants to be like "someone" to be happy. You can't experience happiness now because you don't love yourself

What matters is not what is given, but how you use what is given

The reason why you are unlucky now is precisely because you personally chose to be unlucky, rather than being born unlucky.

Goodness has the meaning of benefit, evil has the meaning of no benefit, and people who want to do evil (no benefit) things have no meaning.

Do you think "misfortune" is a "good" for yourself?

How people see the "world" and how they see "themselves". The concept of bringing together these "meaning-giving ways" can be understood as a way of life. In the narrow sense, it means character; in the broad sense, it means world outlook or outlook on life.

It is you who actively choose your lifestyle. If the lifestyle is not given innately, but is the result of your own choices, then you can make a new choice by yourself

Even though people are dissatisfied, they still think it is easier and more reassuring to maintain the status quo

It takes a lot of courage to change our lifestyle. We lack the courage to face the "uneasiness" caused by change and the "dissatisfaction" caused by unchangedness, and lack the "courage to obtain happiness". Adlerian psychology is the psychology of courage.

People don’t want to change because in the history of fighting against their own inertia, the history of failure and poor results prevent them from facing it directly, so they hide in the armor about the family of origin and childhood trauma that we talked about in the previous video. , to make yourself feel a little better.

Ask yourself another question, "Why do I want to change?"

We must have the determination to abandon our current lifestyle

Living in assumptions such as "what happens will happen" will make it impossible to change.

You are still you, you just need to choose your lifestyle again

No matter what happened in your previous life, it has no impact on how you spend your future life. What determines your life is who you are living at this moment.

Low self-esteem: You only see your own shortcomings because you have made up your mind not to like yourself.

Because you are too afraid of being disliked by others and afraid of being hurt in relationships

The purpose of hating yourself is the fear of being despised or rejected by others, and the fear of being hurt mentally. That is, your "purpose" is to "avoid getting hurt in your relationships with others."

People's troubles all stem from interpersonal relationships

Inferiority complex is a feeling of inferiority, a kind of "one has no value or only a little value"

The question is how I view this "flaw" and what value I attribute to it

The inferiority complex that troubles us is not an "objective fact" but a "subjective explanation"

We cannot change objective facts, but we can change subjective interpretations at will

Happiness and worry are essentially an arithmetic problem: What is the current situation minus expectations? If it is a positive number, it is happiness; if it is a negative number, it is trouble. The larger the positive number, the happier you are, and the larger the negative number, the more troubled you are. So when you feel bad about yourself, essentially your current situation is worse than you expected.

Everyone has a universal desire to get rid of powerlessness and pursue progress. This is the pursuit of superiority.

At the same time, you will have a sense of inferiority about yourself who cannot achieve your ideal state.

"I have low education, so I have to work harder" is positive, "I have low education, so I can't succeed" is negative

The law of external causation: interpreting something that originally had no causal relationship as if it had a significant causal relationship. This is wrong

To have an inferiority complex is to feel like I am lacking something. The most healthy attitude should be to try to make up for the shortcomings through hard work and growth.

Inferiority complex sometimes develops into another special psychology: superiority complex. Acting as if you are superior and then immersing yourself in a false sense of superiority. False reporting of resumes or pursuit of famous brands.

If someone is arrogant, it must be because he has an inferiority complex

Also note that some people use their own misfortunes to show off their "specialness", use it to suppress others, and use their own misfortunes as weapons to dominate others. Who is the unluckiest, the baby.

As long as you use your misfortune as a weapon to stay "special", you will always need misfortune

Don’t compete with anyone, just keep moving forward. There is no need to compare yourself with others.

A healthy sense of inferiority does not come from comparing with others, but from comparing with the "ideal self."

"We are different, but equal"

The value lies in constantly surpassing oneself

If there is "competition" in interpersonal relationships, it is impossible for people to get rid of the troubles caused by interpersonal relationships, and it is impossible to get rid of misfortunes

Competition will unknowingly see others and even the whole world as enemies

The only one who cares about your face is yourself

Seeing other people's happiness as "my failure" and therefore unable to give blessings

If you can realize that "everyone is my partner", you will have a completely different view of the world.

If someone insults you, recognize that the other person is provoking a "power struggle." You must not be fooled when provoked by a struggle for power.

Without any response to the other party's behavior, that's all we can do

“There is no need to rely on anger as a tool”

No matter how right you think you are, don't use it as a reason to blame the other person

Once people are convinced that "I am right" in interpersonal relationships, they will enter into a power struggle.

If you think you're right, it shouldn't matter what the other person's opinion is.

Admitting mistakes, apologizing, and withdrawing from power struggles are not failures.

Treat others as partners

Human behavioral goals: ① Self-reliance ② Living in harmony with society

Psychological goals: ① Awareness of “I am capable” ② Awareness of “everyone is my partner”

When an individual wants to survive as a social being, he will encounter interpersonal relationships that he has to face. This is the issue of life.

People who don’t want to work don’t hate the job itself, but they hate being criticized and criticized by others for their work. They hate being labeled as incompetent as “you are incompetent” or “you are not suitable for this job.” They hate being irreplaceable. The dignity of "my" is hurt

Adler's psychology is not the psychology of changing others, but the psychology of pursuing self-change.

But only when people can feel that "you can be unrestrained with this person" can you experience love.

In fact, the other party has not changed at all, but his "purpose" has changed.

The world may become a dangerous place at any time, and people may regard all others as "enemies"

Adler, this situation of trying to create various excuses to avoid life issues is called "life lies"

It is not others who decide your lifestyle but yourself. We choose our own lifestyle.

We choose our own life and lifestyle with our own hands

We don’t live to meet other people’s expectations

If you hope to be recognized by others too much, you will install other people's expectations to live your life. That is to give up your true self or the lives of others.

We must separate our own issues from other people's issues from the perspective of "Whose issue is this?"

Don’t interfere in other people’s issues

All conflicts in interpersonal relationships arise from interference in other people's projects, or interference in one's own projects.

Identify whose task it is: who will ultimately bear the consequences of a certain choice.

If it comes to learning, tell the child that this is his own subject. Parents should be ready to help when he wants to learn, but they must not interfere with the "child". Don't point fingers when you haven't asked for help.

When children are in trouble, do they want to sincerely discuss it with their parents or can they establish a trusting relationship from the beginning?

What you can do in life is to "choose the path that you think is best. How others evaluate your choice is their business and you have no control over it."

Don’t interfere with other people’s issues, and don’t let others interfere with your own issues.

As a learning facilitator, the most important thing in on-site learning is to actively create information. Focus on asking questions and give most of the time to learners so that they can There is time to create information and discuss expressions. Valuable notes should be your own information created with a high degree of personal relevance.

Adults who have chosen an unfree lifestyle will criticize young people who are living freely today for their hedonism. Of course, this is actually a lie fabricated in order to allow themselves to accept an unfree life.

It’s not that I deliberately want to be annoying or do evil.

Don’t care about other people’s evaluations, don’t be afraid of being disliked by others, don’t pursue being recognized by others. If you don’t pay these costs, you won’t be able to implement your own lifestyle.

"Don't want to be hated by others" may be my issue, but "whether others hate me" is indeed someone else's issue. Even if someone doesn't like me, I can't interfere.

It is a very wrong idea to use changing yourself as a means of manipulating others.

If you are bound by the "desire for recognition", then the "interpersonal relationship card" will always be in the hands of others

The way of considering people as their indivisible existence and me as a whole is called holism

The subject of separation is the starting point of interpersonal relationships

If you want to establish good interpersonal relationships, you need to maintain a certain distance. If you are too close, you will not be able to have a positive conversation. However, the distance should not be too far. The separation of subjects is not to alienate others, but to open up intricate interpersonal relationships.

The end point of interpersonal relationships is "a sense of community"

The state of seeing others as partners and feeling that "one has a place" is a sense of community.

A sense of community is the most important indicator of happy relationships

The smallest unit of social community is "me and you"

Need to turn obsession with oneself into concern for others

People who are unable to "separate subjects" and are obsessed with the desire for recognition are also extremely self-centered people.

A lifestyle that only cares about what others think is a self-centered lifestyle that only cares about me.

Anyone who is obsessed with "me" is self-centered, so "attachment to oneself" must be replaced by "concern for others"

You are part of the community, not the center

Instead of thinking “what will this person give me”, you need to think “what can I give this person”

A sense of belonging is not something you are born with, it must be obtained by your own hands.

Living in fear of relationship breakdown is an unfree lifestyle of living for others.

Praising this kind of behavior contains the characteristics of "evaluation made by capable people on incompetent people"

The purpose of praising others is to "manipulate others who are less capable than themselves."

Oppose all vertical relationships and advocate treating all interpersonal relationships as horizontal relationships

The feeling of inferiority is originally a consciousness arising from vertical relationships.

No criticism or praise

It is precisely because they regard interpersonal relationships as vertical relationships and regard the other party as lower than themselves that they interfere.

Horizontal relationship assistance = encouragement

People will form the belief that they are incapable because of being praised.

The most important thing is not to judge others

When people hear words of thanks, they will know that they have contributed something to others.

People can only gain courage when they can feel that they are worthy

People can only feel their own value when they can realize "I am useful to the community"

By serving the community, that is, others, I can realize that I am useful to others. It is not that I am judged by others as being very good, but that I can subjectively think that "I can contribute to others."

Showing concern for others, establishing horizontal relationships, and using encouragement methods can all give you the practical feeling that you are useful to others, and then you can increase your courage in life.

Please do not use "behavior" standards but use "existence standards" to view others.

Someone has to start. Even if others don’t cooperate, it has nothing to do with you. You don’t have to consider whether others cooperate.

First of all, it is okay to have only one side with others, and establish a horizontal relationship.

Note: If you establish a vertical relationship with someone, you will unconsciously grasp all interpersonal relationships vertically.

The important thing is to be aware of equality and stick to your own opinions

Create a sense of community

The separation of topics requires distinguishing between “things that can be changed” and “things that cannot be changed.”

God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

We don't lack ability, we just lack courage

Trust in others: trusting others without attaching any conditions

All you have to think about is "What should I do?"

If you are afraid to trust others, you will end up having no deep relationships with anyone.

Contribution by others is not about abandoning myself and serving others, but it is a means to realize my value.

Through labor, we can realize the contributions of others, participate in the community, realize that "I am useful to others", and then gain the value of our own existence.

Note: Contribute to others without sacrificing yourself

What we should think about is not what others have done for me, but what I can do for others and actively practice it.

In any case, it's only the "person" who attacked me who has a problem, and it's never "everyone's" fault.

The real problem with unsmooth interpersonal relationships is the inability to accept oneself, trust others, and contribute others, but instead focus on one insignificant aspect and attempt to evaluate the entire world based on it.

Because I am busy with work, I cannot take care of my family. This is the lie of life. Just using workaholism as an excuse to avoid other responsibilities

Work at home, childcare, contribution to local society, interests, etc., all of these are "work". As for working in a company, it is a lifestyle that lacks harmony in life.

For most people, the greatest misfortune is not liking themselves

The contributions of others can also be invisible contributions. As long as it can produce the subjective feeling of "I am useful to others", that is, the "sense of contribution", it is also ok

Happiness is a sense of contribution

Happiness = sense of contribution = feeling of being useful to others, but never seek recognition

"Hope to be excellent" and "Hope to be particularly bad"

The purpose is to attract the attention of others, break away from the ordinary state, and become a special existence.

Hoping to be particularly bad is a cheap pursuit of superiority

There is no need for us to show off our superiority

Life is a series of moments, we can only live in "this moment"

It’s not that a planned life is unnecessary, it’s simply impossible

Life is like a continuous dance of spinning and dancing at every moment. As long as the "here and now" of dancing is fulfilled, it is enough.

A movement that sees the process itself as a result

If you focus a strong spotlight on the present moment, you will be unable to see either the past or the future.

We should live our "here and now" more seriously

What happened in the past has nothing to do with your "here and now", and what will happen in the future is not a question that needs to be considered in the "here and now".

Focus on the present moment and do what you can do now carefully and carefully

Focus on how to spend this moment

Live this moment seriously, whether your life ends at 20 or 90, it will be a complete and happy life.

The biggest lie in life is not living in this moment

What matters is neither yesterday nor tomorrow, but this moment.

There is no universal meaning of life

When we encounter difficulties, we must look forward and think about what we can do in the future.

The meaning of life is what you give yourself

As long as you don’t get lost and others contribute this guiding star, you won’t be lost and you can do anything.

My power is infinite

When "I" changes, the "world" will change. The world cannot be changed by others but only by "me"

Someone has to start, and even if someone else doesn't cooperate, it's none of your business. It should start with you, without having to consider whether others will cooperate.