The first step to change is to understand

What matters is not what is given, but how to use what is given

The reason why I can't change is because I have made up my mind not to change.

This person is not unable to get out because of uneasiness, but creates uneasiness because he does not want to go outside.

The most direct purpose is not to go out. In order to not go out, it creates uneasiness and fear.

It is precisely because you stay at home that you can get the relationship and careful care from your parents. Even if you step out of the house for half a step, you will become the majority that no one pays attention to. Among all living beings, no one will take them seriously.

It is not the past that determines us, but the meaning we give to our experiences

Most of us live for some purpose

In order to achieve the goal of not liking myself, I only see the shortcomings but not the advantages.

It is because you are too afraid of being disliked by others and afraid of being hurt in relationships, that is, the purpose is to "avoid getting hurt in relationships with others."

Subjective things can be chosen by your own hands. Whether it has advantages or disadvantages is entirely up to your own subjective decision.

Inferiority itself is not a bad thing, it can be an opportunity to promote hard work and progress.

The inferiority complex is a state in which one's inferiority complex is used as some kind of excuse. Specifically, it's like "I can't succeed because of my low education or I can't get married because I'm not pretty" - because I have A, I can't do B.

People who suffer from low self-esteem and do not have the courage to change, and who cannot tolerate the inferiority complex, will use simpler methods to compensate for themselves, that is, acting as if they are excellent, and then immersed in a false sense of superiority.

superiority complex

boast about misfortune

The value lies in constantly surpassing oneself

Teleology: The other party just wants to make you surrender through provocation.

If you get angry at this time, you are playing into your own hands.

For example, children who are abused by their parents may go astray, skip school, or even harm themselves.

Once it reaches the stage of revenge, it is almost impossible to reconcile the parties. To avoid this, you must not be fooled when provoked by a struggle for power.

Anger is just a means and tool to achieve a goal. It is also essentially a form of communication. Even if you don't use anger, you can still communicate and gain the approval of others.

Even a romantic relationship cannot be called love. Love can only be experienced when a person feels that he can be unrestrained with this person.

If a love relationship is a red thread, the parent-child relationship is like a strong chain, and I only have a pair of small scissors in my hand.

No matter how difficult a relationship is, you should not choose to escape. You must face it bravely. Even if it eventually develops into a relationship that can be cut with scissors, you must face it first.

Once you have the idea of ​​ending the relationship, you will be able to discover the other person's shortcomings and find reasons to hate them no matter what.

We tend to make up lies and excuses to avoid life issues or relationships.

"If you don't live your life for yourself, then who else will live for yourself?"

So don’t get angry when other people’s behavior is not in line with your own ideas.

Just think about "who will ultimately bear the consequences of a certain choice?"

The only one who can change yourself is yourself

First identify the subject’s ownership, and then discard other people’s subjects

This is to reduce the burden of life and make it simpler

Living according to desires and impulses like a stone rolling down a slope is just being a slave to desires and impulses.

True freedom is an attitude that pushes you up from the bottom up

The lifestyle of trying to please everyone is an extremely unfree lifestyle.

If you want to exercise your freedom, you have to pay a price, and the price in relationships is being disliked.

1. Don't care about other people's comments

2. Not afraid of being disliked by others

3. Don’t seek to be recognized by others

Adler rejected all dualist values ​​that consider mind and body, reason and emotion, and consciousness and unconsciousness separately.

A way of considering people as indivisible beings and as "the whole self"

To have good interpersonal relationships, you need to keep a certain distance

Don’t be too close to have a direct conversation, don’t be too far away

Refers to the state of seeing others as partners and being able to feel that "one has a place", which is called a sense of community.

Adler believed that the community he described included "everything" from the past to the future, and even the universe.

The smallest unit of society is "me and you" as the starting point for understanding

From the starting point, self-interest should be transformed into social interest.

Precisely because you don’t want others to think you are not good, you care about the eyes of others. This is not a concern for others, but an attachment to yourself.

Think about what I can offer this person, i.e. community participation and inclusion

Abandon the idea that I am the center of the world and everyone else is there to serve me

The school always bullies you. Now jump to the social level. Teachers and I are both human beings. I have the right to object head-on.

There is no need to stick to the small community in front of you, pay attention to more other "me and you" and "everyone"

People will form the belief that "they are incapable" because of praise.

Praising behavior contains the characteristics of "competent people evaluating those who are incompetent", and there is a superior-subordinate relationship.

To be praised is to be evaluated according to other people's standards. If you want to be praised, you can only cater to other people's standards and hinder your own freedom.

The essence of reward and punishment is to manipulate the opponent who is less capable than oneself.

Reward and punishment behavior understands interpersonal relationships as "vertical relationships" between superiors and subordinates

Adlerian psychology advocates "horizontal relationships"

Under the understanding of vertical relationship, people are afraid that the weak will become smarter than themselves, make more money than themselves, or talk back to themselves, in order to cover up their strong sense of inferiority.

If everyone established a horizontal relationship of "different but equal", inferiority complex would not exist at all.

Precisely because they view interpersonal relationships as vertical relationships and regard the other party as lower than themselves, they interfere, leading the other party in the direction they want through interference, and firmly believe that they are right and the other party is wrong.

You should not be condescending and order others to do something, but work hard to help him build the confidence to do something and improve his ability to deal with the problem independently, that is, "bring the horse to the water but not force it to drink water."

The reason why people are afraid of facing problems is not because they are incapable, but simply because they lack the courage to face them head-on.

How to encourage?

The important thing is equality in consciousness and insisting on one's own opinions.

Blindly obeying superiors is evading one's own responsibilities

That is, you can realize that "I am useful to others" instead of being evaluated by others as "very good"

It is subjective that "I can contribute to others"

Don’t look at others by the standard of “behavior” but by the standard of “existence”

Don’t judge others for what they do, but express joy and gratitude for their very existence

If you are in danger, the people around you will also be happy that you still exist. It doesn't matter what you do at this time, just being safe is very valuable.

self-acceptance

trust in others

Contributions from others

Only by self-acceptance can we be able to trust others without fear of betrayal, so that we can regard others as our partners and make contributions to others. At the same time, we can realize that we are useful to others and achieve self-acceptance.

1. self-reliance

2. Live in harmony with society

1. Awareness of “I am capable”

2. The awareness of “Everyone is my partner”

The pursuit of cheap superiority

Worry about the past and focus on the future